[Critique Group 1] Critiques for 4-4-2017 fromDeAnna

[DeAnna Noriega]

Critiques for 4/4/2017 Group 1

DeAnna Noriega 

 Cleora:

The store is giving one away (for) (change to with) every purchase,

At home I found (The doesn't need a capital letter) box was a little large  

I took a deep breath and (open should be opened)  the bag

I looked sadly at the dead bulb

(This is the second use of sadly so perhaps you should use mournfully.)

Success may

be the next try. This sentence needs revision. Perhaps (Success may reward
your next try.)

Mild humor, nice message.

 

Bonnie Blose

There some formatting oddities, several spaces appear in the email where
they shouldn't

Did Gladys go back to work at the mill? Or was it then she decided to do
housework and ironing? That is a little unclear.

 

You will need to    Rest and relax as much as you can. The word "Rest"
doesn't need a capital letter.

On the way home    my mother thought about the three children she already
had to care for.

There is a triple space between home and my mother. I think it would be
better if you continued to call her Gladys instead of my mother. If you do
that, it will make greater impact at the end.

I wonder if the spacing issues are just formatting things when you copied
your story from a word or text document into an email?

I would end the sentence with the three children she already had. That way
you don't end the sentence with a preposition.

I've managed to put bac  a little

extra for Pat and Ron.

The word back needs a letter K. 

. bylaws for GDUI and only popped in for a couple of minutes when you were
done. Thanks for the critique on my piece. Actually this is the first
chapter in an autobiography of my nearly fifty years of working with guide
dogs trained at the Seeing Eye. I am not finished with it, but if you are
interested I can send you the foreword and continue having pieces of it to
look at. It is always hard for me to judge what I write because it is what
comes pouring out when I get started. 

Warm Regards,

DeAnna Quietwater Noriega

Quieth2o at socket.net

Paul   hasn't noticed yet,  There are three spaces between Paul and noticed.

There is a four space gap between the end of the previous sentence and the
start of this one. 

but it's what he will have to do, "Paul said.  The closing quote is spaced
away from the comma and against Paul.

The closing quote is against the Gladys instead of against the comma.

 

Final comments,

I enjoyed both pieces. My apologies for missing the call. I got stuck on a
board call reviewing 

 

 

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