[Critique Group 1] critiques for 9/14/16 session

[sitting.duck at springmail.com]

[]Terrie
the poem is beautiful. 
the second line about the trees is awkward somehow. I think I understand what your trying to convey here but it just doesn't seem to quite make it. Unfortunately, I have no suggestions for how you might fix it. There would also be nocturnal animals about. Perhaps you could use them instead.
I'm not able to visualize how a night sky would look like a butterfly or how this reference relates to the meaning of the poem.
Perhaps if you just remove "that look like butterflies" out of this line
Those 2 lines are the only ones that bother me. They just don't seem to fit.


[]Deanna 
I can feel the tension and anticipation of your mount in the first line.
I'm not sure what is chasing you after the line about the too heavy hair.
I can feel the pounding of the horses hooves as you gallop. into the wind.
having ridden a horse myself, I picture you leaning forward, your head close to the mounts neck. The mounts head and neck low to lesson air resistance.
I particularly like the line "My heart soring upward like an uncaged bird. I can feel the momentary sense of freedom and abandon.
Maybe there is something you could do to clarify the "too heavy hair" and the part about something chasing you.
I was concerned about the running of the horse. Often, young children even adults in this day and age don't understand that this is an animal and not a machine and try to run the horse too much. 
This became a problem in the early days of TV when people would see the star run the horse everywhere they went during the show .
Perhaps a couple of lines at the end to rub down your mount and give him a bucket of oats as a satisfying conclusion to this last ride


[]Marilyn

Interesting starting it out from the view point of the pregnant dog.
I think it would be terrific written from the view point of the guy dog. You could even use a conversation between the 2 dogs.
I read it several times before I picked up on a few things. I didn't catch at first who the people were in the second section.
I saw several opportunities in the beginning to insert business names in the text. 
Unless you can only mention each business once, this would keep the business before the reader. 
You made a comment in your intro that suggests you can only mention a business if it is participating so maybe that is why you didn't use every opportunity.
I would leave out anything that doesn't move toward the goal of inserting a business name. Like the comment about the new dog owners not liking the names.
I read it several times before I noticed the references to the day of the week imbedded in the text.
Since it is a "week in the life", how about putting what day it is starting with the day the storm came through as the separator.
This is similar to contemporary stuff I've read lately that gives a date at the beginning of each new chapter.
For what it is worth, My grammar & spell checker says the first letter of Yankee should be capitalized, and gottcha and Honey baked should be 2 words.
It also didn't like the spelling of dondre 
This is a cute and amusing story. Good luck.


[]Kate 

I think you can safely leave Dad out of the picture. We don't even need to know he is how they got there.
Or, you could just mention he dropped them off on his way.
I recommend starting where the group arrived at Colonial Williamsburg.
Add that crackers is a guide dog. 
We know from the piece last time that Grace is blind, but if a reader started with this section they would need to know that.
I was lost for a while not realizing what kind of park it was.
For those like me that have never heard of this place, more of an explanation in the beginning would be helpful.
Pick up where Joe remarks about it being historical, and various other members add what they know about it will help the reader realize what kind of adventure they are about to have. 
As I encountered some clues, I began to relate it to a Renaissance Fair I went to several years ago.
You might want to do a spell check. I found several questionable spellings but they may be the way the places and items are spelled in this place.
You called the waitress at the tavern a Wench. Maybe the explanation of her renaming the place is supposed to explain this? I know the history behind women being called Wenches but maybe not all readers would know this and I don’t remember the details.
The recap of the adventure through Grace at the end gives the piece a warm familiar feel for the reader to relate to.


[]Mary Jo

A nice description of the anxiety and eagerness of growing up and the secret desire to stay with the familiar world of being a child. 
I like the part where a friend asks her if she wears a bra and finds out that she is not the only one that hasn't reached the desired characteristics of physical maturity.