[Critique Group 1] Session 3 Comments from Mary-Jo

[Magnets and Ladders]

Hi,

 

Marilyn's message reminded me that I hadn't sent my comments in yet. I
apologize for the lateness.

 

Session 3

 

## Seventy-Seven and Holding

 

I felt like I was experiencing the life of the narrator of the poem. The
first person POv puts us right there.

In this line:

They stopped the flood, said blood was everywhere; Testing overnight, then
wait and see, They must be sure at home I'll get good care.

Maybe change to I'll get good care at home.

You move from long lines ending with this one to shorter ones starting with:

Seventy-seven and holding, how I wish

There are some other lines of varying length, but I'm not sure if this is
what happened when it was pasted in the email. At least two of us have
mentioned having issues with that.

 

## Traditions

 

This is a cute flash fiction story. You might want to put dashes between the
words five year old. I laughed out loud at the image of a large, grown man
getting on the floor wailing and kicking.

 

## Book III: Wife and Mother  

 

I'm enjoying the various sections of this book. There were some space runs
and stray punctuation that you can fix by having NVDA read all attributes or
inconsistency's. I think it would be helpful to give the hospital staff
names, especially the social worker. I don't think if you publish this book
that you would want her referred to as the SW.

 

## The Enterprising Entrepreneur

 

Now I know that I never want to start a business. The dialogue was real. The
numerous calls and rules would have been laughable if they weren't so
absurd. Since you are wanting to start a lemonade stand as your business,
you could leave out the information about the cottage law to make the
article less lengthy.

 

You need to do a lot of copyediting. Here are some examples.

 

I thought that's what I was talking to. Oh well, whatever. "do you have that
number?" I asked.

Capitalize D in do.

I told her what I needed.

Take out the space before the period.

. I punched buttons for the choice that seemed to match best. 

Take out the period and space at the beginning of the line.

Someone identifying herself as Laura. answered

Take the period after Laura and put it after answered.

"But, this is just a little lemonade stand,"  I said.

There is an extra space between stand," and I.

If you have your JAWS text analyzer set to "describe inconsistency's" you
will be able to edit your article.

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