[Critique Group 1] Marilyn's Critiques

[Marilyn Smith]

Small Group Critique Session, Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Sorry I'm late. I was sick after a tooth extraction.

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Cleora:

For me, your piece was a little long. That's especially true if it's 
meant as a satire. If it were supposed to be actual instructions for 
setting up a business, it could be long, but it would be very 
discouraging based on the red tape and runaround you got. Since I think 
it's supposed to be funny, and it truly is, I think a much shorter 
version could accomplish the same thing. Where is your market for this 
piece? Obviously if a lemonade stand curbside was your life's passion, I 
would be very surprised. I think you saw this as an exercise in 
futility, and never took it seriously, expecting the outcome you got, so 
why take so long to tell it? Your timeline was a good idea, and you 
showed great persistence in getting your information together. In short, 
funny, discouraging, unfortunately very believable.

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Mary-Jo:

I was surprised to see two "tongue in cheek" pieces this time. This has 
to say something about the way the public receives information. I love 
the brevity and the humor. I don't know if you put the broadcast in 
quotes, but if you didn't, it might make it clear that we're hearing 
this from somewhere. One funny thing, Jay put in "Stanza break!" where 
one existed, and the synthesizer made it sound like "Station break!" I 
could imagine that could happen during your broadcast as well. If you 
don't use this for Magnets and Ladders, you might consider Wordgathering 
or Breath and Shadow. I like it.

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DeAnna:

Delightful piece! I was a little confused at first about who was 
related. I was a little shocked he actually did that in the middle of 
the store. It might have been cool to see the child either grin and 
almost try to get away with something similar like grabbing a bag of 
chips, or hide his head and crawl under a shelf to show his father was 
embarrassing him. Either could happen, knowing children. This could be a 
great piece for a parenting magazine. Nice breath of fresh air.

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Kate:

As usual, Grace defends herself after confrontation. I'm sure this would 
work well for a blind tween trying to believe in herself with 
confidence. Sighted children would again see Grace succeed. The writing 
style, of course, was fine. I have major problems with formatting when I 
do poetry, so I feel your pain. Grace was prepared for her presentation. 
I was a little surprised her husband wasn't more concerned and more 
defensive toward the hospital. The lesson was not how to change and 
bathe a baby, but how to not be intimidated by people who don't know 
your abilities, and yet could have some control in your life. It fits 
the story you're writing. A funny thing I think you'll appreciate, when 
you used the "SW" abbreviation, my synthesizer read it as "Southwest." 
That gave this social worker a very distinctive personality.