[DECtalk] red dwarf, series 7, episode 2 complete!

Sun Sep 7 20:13:20 EDT 2008

Well then... I'll try pasting it in here. Please save the below text in a document and remove all footers. Thanks!
--- start of docu.ment---

[:phone on]
RED DWARF  SERIES 7
                      EPISODE 2  STOKE ME A CLIPPER.
[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
 Cockpit of an airplane in flight. 
[_<800]

GERMAN CAPTAIN, PILOT and GESTAPO OFFICER present.  CAPTAIN is stroking a
 large aligator
[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]
  Where is the girl?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 sm 15 bf 28 hr 0 sr 30]  [:ra 220]

  In fi've minutes shell be facing the firing squad, Herr Captain.
[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]
  Good.  And the erstwhile protector?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 sm 15 bf 28 hr 0 sr 30]  [:ra 220]
  In ze cargo hold.

[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]
  Excellent.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Enter ace.

[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]
  Ahhh, Ace Rimmer  might one enquire how you escaped your bonds?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
em behind my ears and slip
between the ropes.  Of course, its gonna take major orthopaedic surgery to
put them back, but rest assured: that wont stop me from rescuing the
Princess Bonjella.

[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]
  you're insane, Rimmer.  you're outmanned and outgunned.

[:nf] [:dv br 10  bf 100 la 0 sr 50 hr 50 ap 130 pr 95] [:ra 220]  You expect me to concede?
[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]
  No Mr. Rimmer, I expect you to *die*!
[_<800>]
  Take him into the hold, take ten minutes to explain all our plans to
him... then... throw him out of the plane.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Suddenly Ace steals the gun from the Gestapo officer and throws a right
 hook, knocking him out.  The pilot moves to tackle Ace but recei'ves a
 bullet before hes out of his seat.  The captain suddenly throws the
 aligator at Ace who falls back into the main body of the plane.  Ace
 wrestles with the reptile, losing his gun out of the open doors

[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]
  Oh, Mr. Rimmer  sorry I cant stick around for a chat, but i've got to
blow.
[:np] [:ra 245]
The Captain indicates the sticks of dynamite whose fuse he has lit.
[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]

  Do me a favour would you, and feed Snappy?
[:np] [:ra 245]
He tosses the dynamite further down the plane and jumps.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220] What I would gi've for a gun.
[:np] [:ra 245]
The aligator roars in his face.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]  Or a bottle of Listerene!
[:np] [:ra 245]
Ace and aligator roll out of the plane.
[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]
  Goodbye Ace Rimmer!  You were a most worthy adversary!
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800]
cut to Ace, now riding aligator like a surfboard.

Captain fires several shots at Ace  who steers the aligators mouth to
 fasten around the captains head.
[_<800>]
 Ace reaches down and unclips the captains parachute, he drops while Ace
 drifts slowly down.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
  See you later aligator!

{_<1600>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
German firing squad lined up before a woman tied to a post.  officer gi'ves
 several instructions.  the squad takes aim.
[_<800>]
 as the officer gi'ves the command to fire.  Ace uses the stolen captains gun
 and shoots the officer, then quickly picks off the entire firing squad 
 taking a bullet to the chest in the process.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  This is my best top, damn it!
[:np] [:ra 245]
he unclips the parachute and drops some distance to the ground, crashing
 through the wooden roof of a supply storehouse.  Armed soldiers gather
 before the door, and upon a barked command, blast round upon round through
 into the buildings, splintering the wooden doors to matchwood.
[_<800>]
 An officer barks a second command and the firing ceases.  they wait.

 Suddenly, the doors burst open as Ace powers out, unhurt, on a motor cytle.
[_<800>]
Dodging bullets, Ace pulls to a halt eside the Princess
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]  Princess Bonjella; Ace Rimmer.  Therell be time for explanations later,
and, hopefully, some sex.

[:nk]  What a guy!
[:np] [:ra 245]
Princess seats herself behind rimmer, who zooms away, dodging yet more
bullets fired after them.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]  Hold on, Princess!
[:nk]
  Oh please, Ace, call me Beryl!
[:np] [:ra 245]
Ace dri'ves the motorbike up a ramp and launches off the top of a high wall.
 A notsoskilled pursuer dri'ves his bike right through the wall,
 demolishing it and detonating his bikes fuel tank
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]  Bet hes a sour Kraut.

[:nd]Translation:  He got away!  I cant believe he got away!
[:nu]
Translation:  That was Ace Rimmer!  Were lucky to be ali've!
[:np] [:ra 245]
Aligator suddenly drops out of the sky, flattenning both soldiers.
[:nb]
Translation:  What a guy!

[_<800]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Red Dwarf title sequence appears on screen. The episode begins.
[_<800>]

Corridor within Starbug leading to AR machine.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  I simply cannot believe you're going to go through with this, sir.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Im a man, Kryten, with a mans urges, and a mans desires.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  Well what about an icecold shower, sir?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  i've used up this years water supply with icecold showers, Kryten. I was
looking in at the log this morning: a 112 gallons!  If I carry on like this
my libidos gonna cause a drought.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  You think is the answer?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  I know how it may look from the outside 
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  Going into an AR simulation with a book of cheats, seducing the Queen of
Camelot?  Words fail me.  Its quite the most unchivalrous thing i've ever
heard in my life!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Are you my faithful manservant or what?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  Im ashamed to be with you, sir!  I havent been this embarassed since I
was loosening my adjustment screws, and my entire groinal box dropped into
Mr. Rimmers soup.
[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
OB. Inside the AR simuation a tourney at Camelot.
[:nh]
  Is there any man, across the length and breadth of this great land, that
dare challenge the Kings best knight?
[:np] [:ra 245]
Cheers are heard.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  I do, sir!
[:nh]
  And you are, sir?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Lister, of Smeg.

[:nh]
  Good knight, do you accept this challenge from... Lister of Smeg?

[:nd]
  I do, my King.
[:nh]
  And what do you claim if the victory should be yours, my lord?
[:nd]
  I claim nothing, sire.  Serving the king is reward enough.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Everyone cheers.
[:nh]
  And you... Lister of Smeg, what prize do you claim if you should defeat
my best knight?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  I claim, my lord, a night and a day in the bed of your good lady.
[:np] [:ra 245]
shouts of outrage from the crowd.

[:nh]  A night and a day in the bed of my good lady?

[:nb]
  We accept ze challenge...

[:nh]  We do?

[:nb]  Oui, we do.

[:nh]  My lady, I think we should discuss this matter in private.

[:nb]  Do you not ave faith in your good knight, to cut this dog down where e
stands?

[:nh]  I do!  Sort of.

[:nb]  Zen we accept.

[:nh]  Good knight  bring me this knaves manhood on a silver platter 
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Ey, steady!

[:nh]   then disembowel him, and feed his innards to the crows!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  This is worse than playing away at Leeds!
[:np] [:ra 245]
a fanfare is blown.

[:nb]  When mah lace ankerchief, flutters onto ze ground, the challenge shall
commence!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  I just lurve that accent... rrrrrrarrr!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  If I were you, Mr. Galahad, sir, Id concentrate on memorising your cheats
book.
[:np] [:ra 245]
the two combatants square off, and lower their visors.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Cheat one: codeword steadcheat  Hyah!
[:np] [:ra 245]
they charge towards each other, and the knights horse suddenly becomes a
miniature shetland pony

Lister laughs, and, as they pass, draws a sword and lopps off the knights
head.  it flies through the air and lands in the Kings lap.  Lister rides
back to the King and Queen.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  I claim my price, my lord.
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]
Howls and shouts from the crowd as the Queen, smiling enigmatically, makes
her way to join Lister.  Crowd boos and jeers as they walk off toward a
tent.
[:nh]  You are the scurviest knave in Christendom!  And i swear to you: your
scheme to seduce my fair lady will not succeed!
[:np] [:ra 245]
KING holds up a solid looking key.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Cheat 2: codeword chastitycheat
[:np] [:ra 245]
The queen suddenly stops walking and wiggles her hips.  Somthing clangs to
the ground beneath her dress, and she steps forward uncovering a
nowunlocked metal chastity belt.  Lister leads her into the tent, and
Kryten closes the flap and stands guard.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  Scum!  Absolute scum.

[:nh]  If he that calls himself Lister of Smeg has a grain of honour in his soul,
that tent will part this very instant, and he will return to me my lady, and
beg the Kings forgi'veness!
[:np] [:ra 245]
tent opens.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Has anybody got any whipped cream?
[:nh]
  Whipped cream?

[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Space.  Ace inside his ship]
[:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220]
  Ace, we need to find a dimension close by.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Understood, computer. Prepare to jump.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Back in the AR game, all the scenery around LISTER and KRYTEN suddenly
 disappear.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Hey!!  Whats happening?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  Power failure, sir!  Electrics are going down.

[:np] [:ra 245]
They leave the game environment
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  The red, green, and blue alert signs are all flashing! What the smeg is
happening?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  Well, either were under attack, sir, or were having a disco.
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]
Starbug cockpit.

CAT,RIMMER present.

Enter LISTER, KRYTEN.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  Im locked out!  Everythings dead!  Steerings down, thrusters are down
and were heading straight for that ion storm in sector 12!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Morning!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  What the smeeee is going on?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  A power drain is knocking out all the generators!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Cause?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  An object of such awesome power an charisma its flattenned all the grids!
At first I thought it was me, but its some kind of craft Dimension Jumping.
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  Any ident details?

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  The last time we came across a lunatic tyring to pull a stunt like this it
was Captain Smug Git himself, Ace Rimmer.  Dear God, dont let it be him,
I couldnt bear it.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  This is the JMC transport ship Starbug opening channels, please identify
yourselves.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
  Well, I said Id be back for breakfast, howre those kippers doing,
fellas?
[:np] [:ra 245]
Rimmer starts headbutting his console in despair
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  Ace, buddy!  Howre you doin?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]

  All the better for seeing you, Cat old friend.  Is that a new suit you're
wearing?  Why, its sharper than a page of Oscar Wilde witticisms that have
been rolled up into a point, sprinkled with lemon juice and jabbed into
someones eye.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  Wow, thats sharp.  Thanks buddy!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  According to the logs were down to our last 3000 vomit bags.  Itll never
be enough.

[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Docking area within the expanded starbug]
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Ace  good to see ya!  Howre you doing?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]

  Never better, Skipper.  Sorry to DJ so close; ships computer made a minor
calculation error.  Poor things got a bit of a crush on me; doesnt know
what day it is.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  So, what have you been up to, sir?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]

  Nothing special.  Saved a couple of uni'verses, overthrown a few
dictatorships, turned down a heap of marriage proposals, and had my
highlights done.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  What a guy!

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]

  So, whats new with you chaps?  Arnie?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  i've been pretty damn busy myself, actually.  Let me see; i've begun
researching the definiti've history of pockets, and, i've alphabetised our
entire stock of alphabet soup, grouping each individual letter together with
its fellows.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  Ill take you to the guest quarters, bud, we can catch up!  For starters
you can tell me the name of your stylist!

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
 Thanks Cat, but with your driving skills, you should be at the helm.
Incidentally, its AstroCuts, in the Theta sector, Dimension 24.  Ask for
Alfonce.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  Yeoooowww, yeeah!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
  Arnie, up for a stroll?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Thanks for the offer, but Id rather smear my genitalia with fish paste
and dangle them in a pool of hungry piranhas.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]

  Ill take that as a no, then.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Exit ACE.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Oh Rimmer, go with him.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  I dont want to.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  But, sir, he wants you to.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  And I want him to choke to death on his own smug gittyness.  We dont
always get what we want.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  But Rimmer, he asked for you.  He obviously feels some sort of bond.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  The only bonding I want to do with him involves a tube of superglue and
a rabid hamster!
[:np] [:ra 245]
strange looks from the others
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Oh all *right*.  Im going.  God!

sleeping quarters.  Theyre about fifty
yards down there on the right.  Bye!
[:np] [:ra 245]
Exit Rimmer, through a hatch to a side corridor.

Ace suddenly clutches his chest and staggers.  Rimmer hears him and look
back through the hatch.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
  I think, I may need some help here, Arn.

[:np] [:ra 245]

Rimmer leads Ace to the sleeping quarters, Ace slumped over Rimmers
shoulder.  Ace collapses onto the bed.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  I knew it!  You pretend to be a big shot while theyre around, but as soon
as noones watching you're as butch as an iceskaters friend.  Whats the
problem?  Travel sickness?  The strap on padded codpiece too tight again?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
  Sorry to sound so damn melodramatic, but, Im afraid Im, on the way out.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
 you're what?

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]  About to visit the great airfield in the sky; lose all my breathing
privileges.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  you're dying?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
  You ve got it, Arn.  Your brain moves quicker than a nuns first curry.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  you're really dying?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
  Arnie, I want you to become the next Ace Rimmer.

[:np] [:ra 245] Rimmer laughs.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
  I mean it, Arn!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Are fevered rantings one of your symptoms?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
  The uni'verse needs a chap to look up to.  Someone to right wrongs, just
generally be brave, handsome and allround magnificent.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  And you think, Im your man?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
  Its your destiny, Arnie.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  What, to wind up looking like a reject from a Gay Pride disco?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
  you're just afraid, old son.  Afraid that you're not good enough.  Youve
always wanted to believe it.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Im not you.  I think we established that in your last visit.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Rimmer moves to leave
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
  Im not the Ace you met last time, Arnie.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Rimmer stops, turns back
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
  He caught the business end of a neutron tank in Dimension 165.  Im a hard
light hologram, just like you.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Ace is dead?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
  I took over from him, and I want you to take over from me.
[:np] [:ra 245]
 Ace opens his jacket and green light spills out, sickly beams
 illuminating Rimmers shocked face.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  My god!  What *is* that stuff?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
  Light Bees been hit pretty bad, its a power leakage.  Electromagnetic
radiation, I havent got long.  About the time I usually like to spend
making love  say, 12 hours, maybe less.  After that Ill be to weak to
train you.  What do you say?

[_<800>]

  Its part of the legend, Im not the first Ace, not even the second.
There have been, well, lets just say more than a couple.  As one Ace
dies, he recruits his replacement from a parallel dimension; we all start
off as caterpillars and turn into butterflies.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Were talking about a man who, at the first sight of danger, cowers under
tables with a colander on his head.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
  Skipper, you cant judge a book by its cover.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  And you cant confuse Rimmer with a book; for a start a books got a
spine.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
  Let me train him, thats all I ask.  Talk to him, persuade him.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister keeps bursting into subdued laughter, obviously finding something
very funny but not wanting to show it.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  What is it?  Whats the joke?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Nothin, nothin.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister laughs again
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Well clearly its not nothing.  Clearly youve just heard something
terribly amusing, clearly.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Its just that Ace has just told me about trying to get you to be the next
Ace Rimmer.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister bursts out in uncontrolled laughter.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Yes, sadly i've got to sort out my shoe collection, or Id have jumped at
it like a shot.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Its just, you, yknow, the next Ace... <laugh>  The very idea.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Its not so ridiculous, Lister!  Other versions of me have turned into
him. In fact, if I wasnt needed around here so badly, I think Id very
likely take him up on it.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Rimmer, dont take this the wrong way, but how could you be the next Ace?
I mean, you're a gutless, spineless, gormless, directionless, neurotic,
underachieving, sni'velling, cowardly pile of smeg.  No offence, but get
real, man.  Most eunuchs have got more balls than you.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Well that, my fine, madrasguzzling friend, is where you are wrong,
because i've taken Ace up on his offer, and training begins... right now.

[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Ace has patched himself and Rimmer into the AR machine.  They are both
seated on flying carpets, sweeping speedily high above a snowcovered
mountain range.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Er, why have you brought me here?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
Take a look around, Arnie.  The plateaux, the summit.  This is where you
must be to become Ace Rimmer.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  No, this where you must be to become Maria Von Trapp.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
Just concentrate! Feel the wind on your face; *be* the wind, Arnie.  Unleash
the wild power you know lurks inside you.  Be the cougar running free and
unfettered through the mountains.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Be the what?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
Come on, man, you can do it, concentrate!
[:np] [:ra 245]
Rimmers face scrunches up with effort
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
See the cougar, Arnie?  Its you; can you see it?
[:np] [:ra 245]
In Rimmers mind, a image appears of a hamster running purposefully within
its little wheel
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Sort of.

{<_800>]
Sleeping Quarters.

Enter RIMMER
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Oh, Ill never be Ace!  We tried, we failed!  I gi've up.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Enter ACE, walking with effort
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
  All your life youve gi'ven up.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Well, maybe after more training!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
  I cant keep up the dog and pony show any longer.  Its now or never.

[:np] [:ra 245]Ace takes out a small device.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Whats that?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
  Light Bee Remote.
[:np] [:ra 245]
ACE taps a button on the Remote, and RIMMER is suddenly dressed in a gold
flight suit like ACEs
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
  If you can fool your crewmates into thinking you're me, well know you're
ready.
[:np] [:ra 245]
ACE removes his immaculately coiffured hairpiece and hands it to a
 surprised RIMMER who puts it on, backwards
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  But Im not ready!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
  Try it the other way around.
[:np] [:ra 245]
RIMMER turns the wig around, and takes the offered shades from ACE.

[_<800>]
Alone in a corridor, RIMMER tries to get into the part
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  "The names Rimmer,"
[:np] [:ra 245]
RIMMER tries to toss his hair, successding only knocking his sunglasses off
 his nose
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Oh, this is ridiculous.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  Ah, Mr. Ace, sir, everything okay?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  What?  Er, yes, Kryten. Krytie. <cough> Uhhuh, yeah, everythings fine.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  Are you sure, sir, you sound a little different?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Errr, could you be more specific?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  Er, 67% more weasely.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Eeeeerrrrrrr, sore throat, er, sore throat.  Er, um, bug going around, a
holographic virus.  But it affects humans too.  Arnies got it.  i've
quarantined hime for twentyfour hours; no ones to go near him.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  Ah, I was just wondering, sir: weve run out of bacofoil about six months
ago, I dont suppose you have a spare jacket I might roast a chicken in?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]

  Listen, you stupid, jumpedup little sonofa   Ohhhhhhh!  Sorry, old
friend; afraid not, catch you later.

[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]
door to the AR unit clangs open and a man dressed in armour walks
purposefully out.  The knight from Listers AR game>
[:nd]
  I bid you good day, my lord.  I come in search of the knave called Lister
of Smeg.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Now wait a minute, old friend, lets just stay calm, shall we?

[:nd]  Are you one of his household?

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Errr, in a manner of speaking...

[:nd]  Then prepare to die!
[:np] [:ra 245]
knight attacks RIMMER, who manages to hold him off.  they fight.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Lets talk about this shall we, over a pot of tea and some toasted
muffins?
[:np] [:ra 245]
the knight continues to attack, and RIMMER runs.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Okay, how about some scones and clotted cream?  Dundee cake?  Battenburg??
[:np] [:ra 245]

more fighting.  Rimmer runs through a corridor and finds a bazookoid and
blasts the approaching knight with it, knocking him back, he looses of three
more shots and the knight goes down, twitching and jerking.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  My God!  I did it!
[:np] [:ra 245]
Exit RIMMER.
[_<800>]
suddenly, the knight stands up.  He removes his helmet; its Lister.  He
picks up the bazookoid used by RIMMER and ejects its ammunition cartridge.
SHOT: we see the word BLANK written on the cartridge, before LISTER
replaces it with a cartridge labelled Li've.
[:nd]
  So far 
[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister removes a small metal voicemodulation device from his mouth.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
   so good.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  I did it!  thats the most heroic thing i've done since I set fire to
Stinky Batemans turnups in third from prep!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
  Well done; youve done us proud.
  Smoke me a kipper... Ill be back for 
[:np] [:ra 245]
ACEs Light Bee crackles and hisses, and he fades from sight.

Enter CAT, LISTER, KRYTEN

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]  Whats happenin, bro?  Whats happenned to goalpost head?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  No, you dont understand.  its not me, its him.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  Sir, you're in shock  the trauma has made you speak like Mr. Rimmer.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  What happenned?
[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister approaches the empty bunk and sees the light bee
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Ah, one of them knights has escaped from the AR machine.  Its killed
Rimmer.
[:np] [:ra 245]
he gestures with the light bee in from of RIMMERs face
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Isnt that right, Ace?
  We should gi've Rimmer a decent sendoff, yknow.  Its the least he
deserves.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  I just cant believe it.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  Neither can I.  I was only insulting him just this morning.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  Poor Mr. Rimmer.  I havent felt this wretched since Spare Head #3 told me
the others held a poll, and voted *me* the bigeared, ugly one.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Heyy.  You decided what you're gonna do?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
  I thought Id stick around here for a bit.  "Get the hang of the
character, as it were".
  Whats that?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Ace asked me to fit it.  Said it would take his coffin to its final
resting place, alongside all the other Ace Rimmers.  Hes left some more
beacons behind for the Aces that follow you.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
  Im getting cold feet, Listy.  Im not sure I can go through with it.
Leave, I mean. *Be* Ace.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  You heard what he said; its your destiny.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
  its my destiny to be a smug, selfsatisfied git?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Okay, so he was a bit full of himself, but you can be a different kind of
Ace, its up to you.
  Look, he said if you got cold feet we should follow the coffin.  He said
it might make you change your mind.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  We are gathered here today to say our final farewells to Mr Rimmer.  On
occation he was a smallminded, beaurocratic, incompetent, cowardly
little  person, er, but he also had his good qualities.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  Those *were* his good qualities!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  To say something about the finer side of his nature, Id like to turn now
to Mr Lister.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Alexander the Greats chief eunuch has finally joined his master.  The man
who kept his underpants on coathangers and sewed name labels into his ship
issue condoms has gone.  Life will never be the same.
  We have lost the finest, the most dedicated vending machine repair man the
Space Corps  no, no  the *uni'verse* has ever known.  No one ever pressed
for a coke, and got oxtail soup and orange juice by mistake on *his* shift 
well, actually, thats not true, we all did but what the smeg, this is his
eulogy.
  He didnt have many friends, but those that he did have were with him at
the end.  Even Rachel, who I suppose in many ways is his widow.
  See ya smeg ead.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  Later, bud.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  Goodbye Mr. Smeeee Heeee.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 0 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
  Bye, Ironballs

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Finally this:  When Rimmer originally died aboard Red Dwarf, Holly brought
him back as a hologram, to keep me sane  never an easy task.  He succeeded
spectacularly, and for this accomplishment, we award him this:  Kryten,
place *First Officer* Rimmers decoration into the coffin.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  Right away, sir.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Gentlemen: First Officer Rimmer.
[:np] [:ra 245]
leads the others in a Rimmer salute.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  First Officer Rimmer.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  First Officer Rimmer.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  First Officer Rimmer.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Following the coffin, it leads them through a swirling warp of some kind
before losing itself in amongst hundreds of other similar capsules.  The
camera pans back and we see that the hundred are actually thousands upon
millions upon billions  panning out further and further until the billions
we saw are in fact a tiny piece of a huge glowing band, a band which is the
ring around an entire planet.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
  All those Rimmers...
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  They all did it.  All became Ace; passed on the flame.  Are you really
gonna be the one to break the chain?

[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]

ACE RIMMER, seated in his ship
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
  Its been a blast, fellers.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Bye, man.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  Bye, dude.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  Au revoir, Mr Ace, sir.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
  Stoke me a clipper, Ill be back for Christmas.  Whatever.
[:np] [:ra 245]
ACE RIMMER presses buttons on the ships console, suddenly his chair is
ejected from the craft and he lands back on the deck, a short distance from
the others.  Picking himself up quickly, he walks back to them
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
  Just had to say one last goodbye!
[:np] [:ra 245]
He shakes the hands of Kryten and Cat, and gi'vesLister a quick hug.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 50 hr 82 ap 120 pr 72] [:ra 220]
  Seeya, Davey boy.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Yeah, good luck, man...

[_<1800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
 END OF "STOKE ME A CLIPPER. 

------

-----Original Message-----
>From: Blake Roberts <beroberts at hughes.net>
>Sent: Sep 7, 2008 7:06 PM
>To: 'DECtalk Discussions' <dectalk at bluegrasspals.com>
>Subject: Re: [DECtalk] red dwarf, series 7, episode 2 complete!
>
>Toni,
>Your message does not include an attachment. I wonder if MailMan
>automatically removes attachments before delivering.
>Blake
>
>-----Original Message-----
>From: dectalk-bounces at bluegrasspals.com
>[mailto:dectalk-bounces at bluegrasspals.com] On Behalf Of Tomi
>Sent: Sunday, September 07, 2008 6:58 PM
>To: dectalk at bluegrasspals.com
>Subject: [DECtalk] red dwarf, series 7, episode 2 complete!
>
>Hi to all,
>I have finished Episode 2... Episode 1 hasn't been aproved by Jayson yet so
>the message containing it is not yet sent. Hopefully this one will go
>through ok as the file is only 32 kb, not 50.
>Have fun listening to it! Let me know if Rimmer and Ace sound too close, I'm
>sure we can make addjustments.
>Thanks!
>with all do respect:
>Tomi
>
>
>---------
>Tamas Geczy,
>Official Hungarian translation coordinator for the free NVDA screen reader.
>If you wish to learn about the free screen reading product for
>blind/visually impaired pupels alike, visit www.nvda-project.org
>member of the Orange Rust robotics team at Orange high School. 
>beta testing projects are currently being performed for Microsoft, NVDA,
>X-sight-interactive,  and Code Factory. If you have any questions in regards
>to beta teams and how to participate in one, please don't hesitate to ask.
>Please note that I will not share with you valuable information which I'm
>not allowed to because of a non disclosure agreement or other such beta
>form. Discussions of piracy or other such illegal information will not be
>dealt with. 
>---------
>_______________________________________________
>DECtalk mailing list
>DECtalk at bluegrasspals.com
>http://jaybird.no-ip.info/mailman/listinfo/dectalk
>
>
>_______________________________________________
>DECtalk mailing list
>DECtalk at bluegrasspals.com
>http://jaybird.no-ip.info/mailman/listinfo/dectalk

---------
Tamas Geczy,
Official Hungarian translation coordinator for the free NVDA screen reader. If you wish to learn about the free screen reading product for blind/visually impaired pupels alike, visit www.nvda-project.org
member of the Orange Rust robotics team at Orange high School. 
beta testing projects are currently being performed for Microsoft, NVDA, X-sight-interactive,  and Code Factory. If you have any questions in regards to beta teams and how to participate in one, please don't hesitate to ask. Please note that I will not share with you valuable information which I'm not allowed to because of a non disclosure agreement or other such beta form. Discussions of piracy or other such illegal information will not be dealt with. 
---------