[Critique Group 2] lEONARD'S COMMENTS ON sALLY'S WORK FOR Sept

[tuchyner5 at aol.com]

Sally’s sub for Sep

The parachute analogy  has a problem. 

It is descending, whilst the direction inthis case will be ascending.  

The direction is clearly up since you sayhe will rise above the ethers. 

Otherwise, this poem is your usual  excellence in describing a picture as it isunfolding.

 

need some help with coming up with atitle.  Any suggestions?

 Perhaps passage.

 

 Gaunt beyon d his seventy-seven years,

My dying father sleeps, sedated,

Beneath crisp white sheets and blankets

on a bed from which he will never rise.

 

Kidney cancer has invaded nearby organs

And claimed his bloodstream as its transport

Around his skeletal body that lingers

on the brink of a new century

 I like the way you indicate  that his passage is ushering out  and bringing in a new century. One that weknow will be momentous..

Outside the icy hospice window,

Dusk falls on the final day of a century

And tucks its comfort tenderly

Around my father in his remaining hours.
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