[Critique Group 2] comment for Leonard's poem and found Val's poem

[Alice Massa]

Hello, Group 2 friends--When I finally delved into my "Trash" of my 
e-mail program, there was Valerie's poem for July 23! Amazing!


     Below is my critique of Leonard's poem from last Thursday. Brad, I 
hope to do yours tomorrow evening.

* * *


** Installment #2 with critique for Leonard--July 23, 2020 critique session

3.Leonard’s poem:“America the Dream”

In the midst of your good title, add a comma after “America,” if you 
consider “the Great” as a non-essential appositive phrase.

To add to the power and strength of your poem, avoid beginning the poem 
with the pronoun “They,” which does not have a clear antecedent.Could 
you consider “Our Founding Fathers?”

“It might be their future one day”--What is the antecedent for “It”?

Be careful with the phrase “It seems” in “It seems to be what we all 
wanted.”

Try:“___ (blank) was what we all wanted.”

In the line, “It was only a shadow,” does “it” have a clear 
antecedent?Would revising this line make it more powerful?

Rather than single quotation marks, use double quotation marks around 
“separate, but equal.”

The best passage of this powerful poem includes the lines with “I 
pledge”:these repeated lines are very effective.I wish I had “I pledge 
to the flag of our dreams” on a decoupage plaque!

This poem presents a good and unique concept wherein the oppressed, not 
the Founders, will determine when all is well.

** Installment #2 with critiques for Leonard and Brad/July 23, 2020 
critique session

3.Leonard’s poem:“America the Dream”

In the midst of your good title, add a comma after “America,” if you 
consider “the Great” as a non-essential appositive phrase.

To add to the power and strength of your poem, avoid beginning the poem 
with the pronoun “They,” which does not have a clear antecedent.Could 
you consider “Our Founding Fathers?”

“It might be their future one day”--What is the antecedent for “It”?

Be careful with the phrase “It seems” in “It seems to be what we all 
wanted.”

Try:“___ (blank) was what we all wanted.”


In the line, “It was only a shadow,” does “it” have a clear 
antecedent?Would revising this line make it more powerful?

Rather than single quotation marks, use double quotation marks around 
“separate, but equal.”

The best passage of this powerful poem includes the lines with “I 
pledge”:these repeated lines are very effective.I wish I had “I pledge 
to the flag of our dreams” on a decoupage plaque!

This poem presents a good and unique concept wherein the oppressed, not 
the Founders, will determine when all is well.


* * *


Until tomorrow--Alice and Willow



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