[Critique Group 2] Leonard's comments for Feb.

[tuchyner5 at aol.com]

A;oce




 


The tongue-in-cheek humor at the beginningis fun. 



The transitions to the summer garden workswell. 



You might tell a little bit more about thegarden. More information could clear upsome ambiguities. 



On the other hand,  a little freedom of the reader’s immaginationcould be a good thing.  



 



The Snowflake Gardener's Zinnia Dreams



 



by Alice Jane-Marie Massa



 



 



Somany, many people 



askabout my Snowflake Garden.



Inthis Wisconsin winter of 2019,



my Snowflake Garden is quite prodigious.



However,please do not be jealous.



I like the humor inthese last 2 lines.



Workingon this Wednesday 



inthe abundance of my Snowflake Garden,



I like the continuation of the humor  inmaking It sound like you are gardening, when really you are shoveling snow. 



myfrozen dreams drift 



Frozen dreams is an interesting concept. 



Can you freeze a dream in a refrigeratorand then  take it out to dethaw to beenjoyed?  



The connections of working  with a snow shovel and going to a summergarden in your immagination Is  great.



tomy grandmother's summer garden,



linedwith bricks set at an unusual diagonal



There could be more description about thebricks.  



I don’t know whether you mean that thebricks  are diagonal to each other , orwhether long lines of bricks are diagonal to each other.



andfilled with two varieties



ofred, yellow, maroon, and orange



stalwart,precisioned zinnias—



precision zinnias  is very poetic. I lovethe combination.



zinniasto the east and the west of the water pump,



tothe north of our family bakery,



parallelwith the grocery store building of a tall two stories,



flankedby an iron fire escape.



I think   the above lines that describe the rest of thelayout can be perceived in two ifferent ways. 



Either you are talking about the placementof the one garden 



or of zinias  arrayed in different locations. 



I think the latter is what you mean. 



In any case, they both make nostalgic andbeautiful  pictures.



 



Likea photograph 



thatnever escapes my mind,



Isee my Italian grandmother,



Nice ending. 




 


rad




 


An ongoing comment I often make about your writingis that you use  a lot of arcane  references.



 The readersfor whom your writing references are not arcane would most likely be those whoalready agree with your message.   



I think it might be useful for you to have areference page, or something like it.  



As you already know, I mostly agree with yourtenets. 



Though, it is true that the Devil is in thedetails. 




 


I just finishedreading "Never Look at The Empty Seats a memoir" by Charlie



Daniels. When Ibegan it I pretty much knew that I was going to have mixed



feelings. In theearly 1970s, I was an ardent fan of Charlie Daniels's work.



Specifically thealbums: "Fire on the Mountain," "Night Rider" and"Saddle



Tramp" allspoke to me. Also his song "Uneasy Rider" from "Honey in the



Rock" (anearlier record) conveyed the type of musical personality that I



could admire,agree with and enjoy. 




 


As the 1970smoved on, the expressed beliefs in his music began to change



and move towardan attitude and belief system that I could not embrace. They



very much seemedto be approaching the opposite of what they initially were.



This continuedthroughout his career and I quickly lost interest in his



work. 




 


I’m writing my coments as I go, so what I think atthis point may be changed as I read further.  



I don’t know who Charlie daniels is. 



I had Alexa call up two of his songs. 



I could not understand the words, though his musicwas pretty good. 



So I know nothing of his philosophy, so thus farnothing is being communicated to me. 



I would suggest that there be some kind of summaryso that the uninformed reader will know what the piece is talking about. 




 


Charlie Danielsis an amazing musician and song writer who has made his



living as anartist and performer very successfully. I do believe however



that he chose notto be true to his initial message and thus jettisoned many



members of hisoriginal fan base.



So what was his original message?




 



 


I have made myliving for over 34 years as a therapist and counselor. Like



Charlie Daniels Ihave pursued my career with dedication and commitment.



However though Ihave changed and grown with experience, my underlying



philosophyremains basically the same. 




 


In my writing Ihave also tried to be consistent and true to my expressions



and beliefs. 




 


Thinking aboutthis in the light of my consideration of Charlie Daniels's



memoir, caused meto attempt to define what the themes and concepts in my



writing are. Icame up with the below. It should be noted that I did not set



out tointentionally explore these concerns. I have only recognized them in



my writing as ithas evolved over time.  I would be interested to know if my



fellow writers ofGroup 2 think I have accurately defined the themes and



concepts in thework I have posted and shared collectively.



I truly welcomeyour honest and sincere feedback. 



Okay, so now I know that this piece is aboutremaining consistent to your themes and concepts and reflecting them, or not,in your writing. 



Charlie daniels is just an example where this wasnot done. 



So I don’t have to know what he was saying anddoing, 



but it is still frustrating not to be one of thein-group.



Themes andconcepts in my writing 




 


Themes




 


1. The sense thatonce things were in harmony and the universe was a place



that made senseand all living beings were connected by mutual respect and a



commonunderstanding. Restoration of this harmony may be possible and should



be attempted andpursued at all costs.



I agree that your writing has consistently dealtwith those ideas.




 


2. Humanitystands at a fork in a road. One way leads to the maximization of



our potential andthe development of vast wisdom and our creation of a



paradise onEarth. While the other branch of the fork leads to the elevation



of greed,celebrities, shallow pop culture, a 2 level society comprised of a



tiny group ofincomprehensibly wealthy and the rest of humanity struggling



to just survive.Unfortunately, the choice of our species seems to be moving



strongly towardthe latter branch of the fork.



Again, yhou are consistent. 



However, my feeling is that more is being saidabout the negative branch than the possitive one.   



The idea of a fork in the road is a good one. 



I think  youcould emphasize the opportunity aspect. 




 


3. Life for thiswriter and many others involves internal battles of the



mind and heartwhich must be fought and won to survive in an insane world



while developingcreativity and living with kindness and compassion. 



 True. Ilove the conclusion.




 


4. This theme hasbeen added approximately eight months after this piece was



written as I havejust recognized its presence in my writing. It is that we



are on an arduousjourney that seems endless and wears one down until it



feels like littleis left. However, it is at that point when we unexpectedly



are met by abeing of immense compassion and healing who is always female.



She is perhapsthe goddess from Celtic Paganism or some other divine being



who heals andrenews the spirit in the manner of Isis or Guanyin so that



going on in somesense is possible and desirable.



The writing of late is consistent with what thisparragrah says, 



but it is helpful that you are elucidating ithere. 



I don’t know that the reader would have put thattogether by his or her self.  



The whole concept summarized in this last paragraphis beautiful. Please keep writing about this theme and in the inimitable way that you do. 




 


Vehicles andConcepts




 


Science fiction,fantasy, mysticism, journeys and quests, deep contemplation



/introspection,the importance and beauty of music and trying to understand



one's place inthe universe. The endeavor to elucidate the nature of



relationships,past and present. The wisdom, grace and awareness of Animals,



aging and time,humor and the meaning of life. Social commentary, memoir,



mythology,seeking and Celtic Paganism. Reverence for "our beautiful blue



planet" andhow important our role to be "good stewards" is, and how we are



not fulfillingour trust which is very disturbing to me.



Accurate reflection of  your themes. 



jamesstarfire at gmail.com  



Your message isready to be sent with the following file or link



attachments:




 


Staying True ToYour Art (an essay)




 



 


An




 


I love this poem. Simply done, but with complexmeaning. 




 


Final Good-Bye



Good title. It hides a mystery not apparent until the whole poem is read.




 


Somehow it’seasier to slip away



when darknesscloaks the earth,



When sleepmasquerades



as the finalgood-bye.



Sleep  is a rehearsal for death.  However, it is also like a fire drill. You know it is not the real thing  so it does not have the emotional impact. Youknow you will probably wake up.




 


Death’s only atrick then,



a childish prank,optical



When you say ‘childish’;, you are denying thatdeath is serious.  You may also be sayingthat it is immature, thus thumbing your nose at death. Maybe the expressedattitude is whistling in the dark.




 


Illusion. Blinktwice, clap



your hands, andfairies will dance again.



This death Is temporary.  Life returns. Somehow, this reminds me of theWizard of Oz. Click your ruby slippers and your back home in Kansas. So is it wishful thinking that if going to sleep  is LIKE death, maybe death is like going tosleep with no more permanence than  goingto sleep.




 


But, infact,  you leave us



dreaming,



swimming into daybreak



through this veilof pulsing rain.



This is interesting. Ithink you are saying that life is a dream. It is not any more real than what we experience in sleep. But I’m notsure that is what you are saying. There are many ways in which this piece canbe interpreted.  I believe that leavingthe reader with many possibilities or unanswered  questions is a mark of depth and quality,provided the questions are not unintended. I think you knew exactly  what you were doing.




 


Val


 



 



 


This has got to be one of the best unfinished,grief poems I’ve ever read. 




 


Wilderness II



Valerie Moreno



2-17-19




 


The title is excellent.  



The Wilderness is unexplored territory. 



It is the most frightening place to be, 



but also the place with the most potential forgrowth. Its full of  opportunities.  




 



 


Silence holdsempty promise



I think you are talking about  silent meditation or contemplation 



where you can  listen with inner ears and look with inner eyes. 



It’s a little bit like going into darkness wherefrightening things may lie.  



This kind of quiet needs courage to explore. 




 


when my heart istrembling,



fragile as fancyglass.



 In times ofgreat trepidation  yougo to the silencefor enlightenment and healing.




 


At these times, Ilook 



in to the mirrorof my soul--



a spiritualinventory.




 


I find shelvesbare, others 



crammed withrotting boxes,



condensation ofpain unchallenged.




 


I reach, movecrumbling pretence 



of letting go



How could anyone make a line better than that?




 


never completed.




 


Wilderness ofsilence holds sterdy promises



as I weep,ponder, search through



griefwork yet totouch.



________




 



 

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