[Critique Group 2] my comments from August 23 critique session

[Alice Massa]

Hello, Group Two writers:

Below are my comments from our August 23 critique session.

1.Valerie's poem "Saint and Sultan"

I like international touches in poetry, and the Italian touches in this 
poem add to the appeal of these verses.

The color of the garment heightened the imagery of this poem.

Instead of a semicolon, consider a period after "downed by Pietro."

Place a semicolon after the word "curses."

Check line breaks because the line breaks did not transfer well.

Change "care" to "caring."

After the line:

"lepers, poor, ill;"

change final comma to semicolon.

Delete "with voice and action" from the passage:

"Acting out the gospel stories...."

With the movement to the present and thoughts of respect and friendship, 
the ending is effective.

This historical portrait is both instructive and interesting.

While this poet's short poems are always impressive, I am pleased to 
read a longer poem from this writer.

2.Brad's poem "The Isle of Avalon"

The chosen couplet form couples well with the content of this poem.

In the poem's first line, place a comma after the introductory 
prepositional phrase:

"In the Isle of Avalon,"

Consider deleting "it barely" so that the line reads:

"and time languidly seems to pass."

With the above, "it" is avoided, but the number of syllables is maintained.

Leave out "there" in the following passage, the lines of which I turned 
around:

"Called by the Lady of the Lake,

by subtle spell,

I did awake."

Add a comma after:

"hope was gone,"

Delete the initial "and" and insert a comma at the end of the following 
introductory prepositional phrase:

"and in meadows green,"

In the following line, delete the "and" and "'s":

"and the secret magic's"

"the secret magic"

Due to at least one of the independent clauses of the compound sentence 
having at least one comma within at least one of the independent 
clauses, place a semicolon after the word "fame."

fame;

Place a comma after "lance," due to the basic compound sentence pattern.

Delete "and"; add "so" to:

"so my standing there."

Avoid another "and" in the following:

"With the gift of visionary dreams,"

Consider:

"Known as bard and sage by all,

I received, one day, the lady's call."

Strengthen the final couplet by avoiding two uses of "and" and by 
revising for clarity.

This fun piece would make a great performance poem.

3.Abbie's poem "The Apple"

Consider another title for this poem, such as "Bitter Apple from the 
Teacher" or "The Teacher's Bitter Apple."

When using a past year (1960) in a poem, make a transition or other 
adjustment for smoother use of the present tense.

The sentence with "I hate gym class" has too many clauses:revise for an 
easier read with proper punctuation.

Sadly, this poem reveals problems with both teachers and fellow 
students:a painfully memorable content is created for the reader.

Place double quotation marks around "no."

Especially at the onset of another school year, I find this poem to be 
bitterly sad.Any teacher may have the power to influence a student 
either positively or negatively.I hope that writing this poem was 
cathartic for the poet.

4.Leonard's "Autumn Winds"

"Breeze and leaves fill my spirit with sounds" is a great line.

"Urgen dirge" creates an outstanding inner rhyme.

Capitalize the first letter of "Earth."

Check the plural of "gowns."

"Leaves whispering to keep secrets" is a superb creative thought.

The first presentation could be a little more focused.

* * *#2. eleven-line poem

In eleven lines, the poem demonstrates a greater focus.

*** #3.eighteen lines

"Songs of Fall" is a nice title.

How clever is "fall-setto"!This coined word would make a great title for 
a poem or short story.

With more focus, this eighteen-line poem also demonstrates more strength 
than the first effort.

* * *#4. four lines

My suggestion is to make these poems into a trio of "Autumn 
Songs."Aren't symphonies written in movements?

Until September 27--

Hoping that our East Coast members are not having too much rain,

Alice

ajm321kh at wi.rr.com

September 17, 2018, Monday

-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <http://bluegrasspals.com/pipermail/group2/attachments/20180917/5bea15c3/attachment-0001.html>