[Critique Group 2] my critiques of October pieces, 525 words

[Alice Massa]

Season's Greetings to Group Two!

Below are my critiques of your pieces from our October 25 session.

1.Valerie's poem:"Poor Little Pumpkin"

Add a hyphen as follows:

seventh-grade art

For clarity, revise as follows:

I, with my low vision,

was happy to participate

Change the verb tense:

"deciding" to "decided"

In the midst of another poor teacher, we hear of a strong student who 
asserts:

"Yes, They did!"

Instead of the dangling participle "Using my fingers," try:

"Through my sense of touch,

I thought the sections were ....

Revise verb tense:

"tucking" to "tucked"

This unique Halloween poem has a sweet ending; I greatly enjoyed reading 
this poem.

2.Brad's poem:"The Pace of Freedom"

I do like the title of this poem.

Try to avoid beginning a poem or other piece with the word "It."

Consider:

"The repeating loop of living

catches us too easily."

Add hyphens, and correct typo in the following phrase:

merry-go-round whirl

Delete period after

"slow down"

An outstanding phrase is:

"accomplishment machinery"

The pronoun "it" could be clearer in the phrase:

"To do it all over

Add a dash:

errands and chores to do--

The several round, circular references are effective; one example is:

"roller coaster loop of living"

Delete comma before "because."

The poet demonstrates his intellectual strengths with

"We are the pinnacle of social Darwinism."

A tricky, but good line is:

"mirrored counting houses"

This poem is a great statement about leaders and/or the elite.

3.Abbie's poem:"I Dream of Florida"

Delete comma after "toes," as follows:

toes as I walk along the water.

Consider changing "amid" to "amidst" which will give a touch of 
onomatopoeia.

I especially like the line:

"Watch the tide carry my troubles away."

Add a comma after the introductory transitional word:

"Then, my heart will blossom once more."

Consider revising the ending just a little, as follows:

"Then, my heart will blossom once more

in the reality of my Wyoming world."

This piece is a lovely dream portrait and should be snapped up by a 
publisher.This effort is the poet's best of recently submitted pieces.

4.Leonard's poem:"Thou Shalt Not Write"

Place quotation marks around "political," in:

just label it "political"

Add hyphens and double quotation marks, as follows:

with lethal "Thou-shalt-not" bullets

Delete "of course" because "of those things" follows.Thus, you can avoid 
two uses of "of" in close proximity.Also, the "of course," is not necessary.

Consider revising the passage so that "two evil Orwellian words" and 
"political correctness" are interchanged for clarity and emphasis.

Revise the following simile to gain clarity and to avoid repeating forms 
of the same word in close proximity:

"manuscripts melt like melting flowers inhaling their accusations."

Since this poet asked for assistance with the title, I will suggest:

"Thou Shalt Not Write P.C."

I am uncertain if a period is after each letter, both of which stand for 
"politically correct."

Thanks for this thought-provoking poem.

* * *

Thanks to each of you for your comments on my piece from October.

Hoping to hear all of your voices on Thursday evening, November 29,

Alice

ajm321kh at wi.rr.com

November 27, 2018, Tuesday

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