[Critique Group 2] OOps Forgot to sent my comments.

[tuchyner5 at aol.com]

Comments re: Abbie


Greatimagery. You took me right into your reverie. Some little things to considerare: 



 



Whenthe world caves in around me,



Iretreat in my mind



A cureosity and not a suggestion. But does one retreat in or to one’s mind.



tomy happy place on a beach in Jupiter, 



feelthe sand between my toes, 



as Iwalk alongside the water, 



It flows better if you leave out ‘side’. 



So it reads, 



As I walk along the water .



delight in the cool spray of waves thatwash over my feet,



Maybe leave out ‘over’. So it reads:



Delight in the cool spray of waves  that wash my feet.



enjoya picnic lunch 



whilea refreshing ocean breeze 



caressesme amid cries of seagulls, 



watchthe tide carry my troubles away.



Thenmy heart will blossom once more.



Should you change tenses in this lastline?


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