[Critique Group 2] My Feedback from Last Night's Meeting

[Abbie Taylor]

Valerie, in these lines,

all I long to do

is to see your face

delete "to" so it reads like this.

all I long to do

is see your face

Instead of

sit on a riverbank

water gently flowing

try this.

sit on a riverbank

as water gently flows

In the next line, say "sing a prayer or

lullabye" instead of "singing a prayer or lullabye."

I'm assuming this poem is a tribute to a favorite singer, and I like the 
way it expresses your love and admiration for this singer.

***

Brad, in these lines,

you feel the rhythmic pulse

of your very being, loosen.

I still don’t think you need the word "rythmic." It’s a redundancy 
because “pulse” has a similar connotation. The comma after "being" 
interrupts the flow, so I suggest deleting it.

you feel the pulse

of your very being loosen.

In this line,

Time and life running out.

substitute "run" for "running."

Time and life run out.

In this line,

Fowled water flowing into the depths of an ancient drain.

use "flows" instead of "flowing."

Fowled water flows into the depths of an ancient drain.

What do you mean by anxiolytic opposition? According to rhymezone, 
"anxiolytic" is a noun meaning a tranquilizer to soothe anxiety. That 
particular line needs to be clarified somehow.

Otherwise, I like the imagery here.

***

Alice, I can appreciate the idea of word play, but in the case of your 
first two lines, I still think you need “come” instead of “came.”

Near the end of the Milwaukee Christmas Parade,

the much awaited camels come.

In light of what Brad said about you watching the parade from your 
window, you could leave that in, but you don’t need to say that you 
encourage your guide dog to watch for the camels. It’s disconcerting, 
since in the first two lines, you say the camels are already there.

In this line,

lifts her paw and points or waves.

place a comma after "paw" and delete "and."

lifts her paw, points or waves.

In this line,

the live camels are coming in sight.

ddlete "in sight."

the live camels are coming.

In this line,

That little Eric would someday ride a rhythmical camel

I still think you don't need the word "rhythmical." At this point, the 
reader doesn’t need to know how rhythmical a camel ride can be. This 
little detail will distract the reader from the poem’s main point.

In these lines, delete either "back" or "home." It would sound better 
with either one or the other but not both. You may need to make them 
into one line.

Eleven months later,

Imy nephew came

home, sweet whole:

This poem would be more effective without the last line.

I wish for him,

his children,

and the world--

a greater peace

than Eric saw and holds

in his memory.

I like the way you connect the camels to Eric and then express a wish 
for peace.

***

Leonard, I still disagree that the word “fashion-able” doesn’t work 
here. Why not just simply “fashioned into many forms.”

I like the point this poem makes.

-- 
Abbie Johnson Taylor, Author http://abbiescorner.wordpress.com 
http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com abbietaylor945 at gmail.com Order my new 
memoir at http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com/memoir.htm
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