[Critique Group 2] Feedback for January 30th

[Abbie Taylor]

Valerie, you need a different title. "Standing" should actually be part of your first two lines, which should be made into one like this. "Standing at the threshhold of time," Note I deleted the word "this." I think you'll agree it sounds better without it.

In this line, "somewhere, I pray for even, calm, balance," "Somewhere" needs to be capitalized, as do all words that begin sentences. There also needs to be a comma after "somewhere" and "balance." What does the next line mean? "hope and faith on alert for misty signs."

As for a title, how about "2018 Uncertainty?" This poem could be even more powerful with the tweaking and clarification I suggested. I hope all this is helpful.

***

Alice, in this line, "I graciously welcome into my abode," remove the word "graciously." This adverb only slows your poem's pace. If you  want more words in that line, you could say, "I welcome to my abode with open arms."

In this line, "I cheer for my guide dog," the term "cheer for" doesn't fit. When I read this, I visualize Willow in a dog race, and you're cheering her on. It's obvious from the previous line that you want Willow to enjoy the sunbeams with you, so why not use "call to." instead. "I call to my  guide dog."

In the next line, "When she joins me, I encourage her," instead of "encourage her," use "say," and put a comma after it.

When she joins me, I say,
"You have to catch the sunbeams."

⠠⠮ following line could sound  better with a little rewriting.

she nestles down into the warmth of the January sunshine.

Try this on for size.

she nestles into the January sun's warmth.

I love these lines.

My mellow Lab is in
a yellow Jell-O of comfy contentment.

In this line, "and patiently awaits the sounder," delete "and" and "patiently." These words also slow your poem's pace. Once you get rid of them, this line will be a bit shorter, so you may want to combine it with the previous or next line.

In this line, "To waylay Cabin Fever," since cabin fever isn't an official disease, it doesn't need to be capitalized.

In this line, alone in the warmth of our living room," try "alone in our living room's warmth."

In these two lines, "and hope other January sunbeams
will follow us," delete "and." Put a comma at the end of the previous line.

At this time of year, I think we can all relate to the longing for sunshine in this  poem.

***

Leonard, delete "and" from your first two lines and put a comma after "powerless."

Do not depend on a gentle hand
to be powerless, submissive.

In the next line, delete "out."

Gentleness is born of courage,

I love this line in conjunction with the next.

nurtured by confidence in one’s self.

I love the meaning in this poem.

Abbie Johnson Taylor, Author http://abbiescorner.wordpress.com
http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com
abbie at mysero.net
Order my new memoir at http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com/memoir.htm