[Critique Group 2] my comments for 8/29/17 pieces

[Alice Massa]

Hello, writers of Group Two:

Where have these September days gone?Well, below are my comments about 
your pieces from our August 29 critique session.

1.Brad:"The Knowledge Puzzle"

I really like the title of this poem:the title intrigues me and draws me 
into the verses.

I suggest that you delete or revise the first line of the poem:"It has 
been said ..."

Delete the comma from the following:

"To live, is to be marked ...."

My favorite line of this poem is:

"Mistakes and failures are crucial sculpting tools."

Delete period after "tools."

Try to avoid the cliche:"The fabric of our lives is woven ...."

Delete semicolon, and use dash after "comfort."

Delete comma after "that" in the line "I am sure that, ...."

Delete last five lines for a less cliche, stronger ending.

With just a little revision, this poem can be outstanding.

2.Leonard:"Where to Find Small Rattlesnakes"

What a great first sentence and first paragraph to immediately draw in 
the reader to this superb memoir!

"All ready" should be changed to "already."

Place a comma after "So" in:

"So, it all worked out in my favor."

In such phrases as "limited translatesto none," the point of view of the 
teen is captured so very well throughout this piece.

When revising this memoir, check each use of "it" and "so."

Try to avoid the cliche:"I took off like a bat out of hell."

Change "hobbies of exploring" to "hobby of exploring."

Do some sentence combining by changing the sentence " Those were the 
days of wooden vessels" to "From the days of wooden vessels," for a 
prepositional phrase to add to the next sentence.

The humor, bits of sarcasm, and punchy quality of this memoir add to its 
likability and its reflection of the teenage voice.

After such a polished opening, the reader can enjoy a good closing to 
which most can easily relate:"It was just another story I never told my 
parents."

3.Abbie:"Montezuma's Revenge"

Consider another title to avoid a label that would not appeal to some 
readers.For example, "Dad's Guidebook of Mexico."

Check placement of participial phrase.Perhaps, you can consider:

"Trying not to swallow the water, I brushed my teeth."OR

"I brushed my teeth as I tried not to swallow the water."(participial 
changes to adverbial dependent clause)

To avoid "It" and to make the passage less wordy, change the following 
sentence into a phrase which can be added to another of your sentences.

"During the three-hour drive from Hermosia to Guaymas,"

Place a comma to set off the noun of address:

"Hi, sweetie,"

While some of the details are quite good, a couple of passages contained 
unnecessary details.On the other hand, the passage about shopping for a 
ceramic pot for the writer's mother could use just a little more detail.

Since the writer was pleased and excited to go to Mexico to use her 
Spanish ability, adding a few more Spanish phrases would be nice.

I was so pleased to read that a drug store was finally being 
visited--but not for the purchase I expected.This reader, like many 
others would be, was empathetic about the plight of the writer.

"They" needs to be a noun or noun phrase in:

"They arrived"

The ending was very good and effective with "mi casa."

Although I did not care for the piece during the first reading, as I 
read the piece three additional times, I came to appreciate the story 
and the telling of the story.The reunion with the mother was sweet and 
touching.

4.Valerie:"Battlefield"

Such a good poem should have more than a label as a title:consider 
adding something to the single-word title, such as "Word Battlefield" or 
"Syllabic Battlefield."

Check spelling of "grenade."

After the word "pretending," change the comma to a semicolon, due to the 
two independent clauses being brought together without a conjunction.

A couple of other questions which I had about the poem were clarified by 
the poet at our critique session.

Thank you for sharing this very good and strong poem.I continue to 
admire how much the poet conveys in so relatively few lines of verse.

* * *

Thanks for your patience!Eventually, my life will return to a duller and 
less busy state; then, I hope to send off the comments much sooner after 
the critique session.

Happy writing!

Looking forward to our critique session on September 26,

Alice

ajm321kh at wi.rr.com

September 18, 2017, Monday

-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <http://bluegrasspals.com/pipermail/group2/attachments/20170918/2b5bbfa4/attachment-0001.html>