[Critique Group 2] Critiques from November 28th Meeting

[Abbie Taylor]

Val, I like the meaning you’re conveying here. The only suggestion I have is to delete the word “uninhibited” so your last line would read like this.

No matter, I'll try another
and another until I find you.

***

Brad, in these two lines, you don’t need a comma after “tore.”

The bitter-sweet strains
both tore, and comforted.

In this line, I don’t see a reason for capitalizing “shatter” or sun.”

and Shatter the Sun.

Last but not least, your title should either be in all caps or the words “music” and “memory” should be capitalized.

Brad, again, I’m sorry for the loss of your father and hope that someday, you can move on from that loss, as you mention having done with your beloved in this poem.

***

Leonard, in this line, you don’t need to capitalize “if.”

and If I dared not to follow the rules,

This line is a little rough.

My first time ever library

Try deleting “time” and “ever” so that it reads like this.
My first library

I can identify with the idea of smelling the musty, aging books once you’re no longer able to read them.

***

Alice, in this line, delete the word “the.”

thanks to the braille music the pianist studied,

In this line, delete the word “joyful” and put a comma after “confidence.”

she smiles with joyful confidence

Otherwise, I love the way this poem uses all five senses.

Abbie Johnson Taylor, Author http://abbiescorner.wordpress.com
http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com
abbie at mysero.net
Order my new memoir at http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com/memoir.htm