[Critique Group 2] My Feeeback from Tonight's Meeting

[Abbie Taylor]

Valerie, several longer lines could be broken down for better effect.

then, you attempt to control--"fix" me as if I am
broken


Try this on for size.

then, you attempt to control--"
fix me as if I am broken

You don’t need a coma after “fix.”

Here are two more lines that could be altered.

if you see me as
an equal

Try this.

if you see me
as an equal

Also, delete the word “an.”

if you see me
as equal

In these two lines,

hoping to be let in
your inner world

First of all, delete the ing. Then, substitute “into” for “in.” 
Finally, delete the word “inner,” and make this all one line.

hope to be let into your world

This is a powerful poem that expresses strong emotions. With the right 
words and line breaks, it could be even more effective.

***,

Alice, I prefer “Romancing the Old Soul.” In this line,

Instead of caressing the margins of me,

try “my margins” instead of “the margins of me.”

In this line,

Old Soul is holding onto me
Too tightly

Make it into one line like this.

Old Soul holds me too tight

I know it’s not grammatically correct but think it would be more effective.

In this line,

        sliding off his plaid slippers,

it sounds to me like you’re pulling off his slippers as you go down. 
Try it this way.

sliding off his slipper-clad feet,

I don’t think this could be classified as a romantic poem. Although 
there’s a hint of romance, to me, it’s more about poetry and aging. I 
love the ending.

***

Leonard, in your first line, “Abyss Ridge” should be capitalized, even 
if it’s just a name you give it.

Delete “A child’s fancy has no reswtraints.” It distracts the reader 
from your story.

The next line is confusing because in a previous line, you say it’s a 
city curb. Now, it’s a curve.

I suggest deleting “as a kid” and having the rest of the poem all in 
the present tense. I think it’lll be more powerful this way, and the 
title makes it pretty obvious you’re sharing childhood memories.

***

Brad, I’m not sure what is meant by “He pipes the unfolding.” 
Otherwise, I think  it’s great the way it is.

-- 
Abbie Johnson Taylor, Author http://abbiescorner.wordpress.com
http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com
abbie at mysero.net
Order my new memoir at http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com/memoir.htm