[Critique Group 2] Abbie's poem

[Alice Massa]

Hello!  I am just sending my comments for Abbie's poem tonight; I will 
send the other comments after I send my comments to Mary-Jo for the 
final group of poems for MAGNETS AND LADDERS.  I am very tired as I 
write this and hope all makes sense.


Abbie:"In My Dream"

A. Original poem

Change the participle "knowing" to:

although I knew he didn't drink much;

Please note in the above line that I placed a semicolon at the end of 
the line where originally the poet had used a comma.

Whenever possible, avoid "and" at the onset of a line,; for example:

Suddenly, I woke with surprise.

In the above line, I also changed "with a start" to "with surprise."

Change line to:

Though no one else could hear me

In the above line, no comma is needed at the end mark of the line.

Place a dash instead of a comma at the end of the following line:

the bed was empty--

Rather than a comma, the end mark of punctuation at the very end of the 
poem needs a period.

vanished.

B.Revised poem:"In My Dream"

Add "I was" to the following line:

Reality hit--I was in a stranger's arms,

In the above, the action has more strength in an independent clause, 
rather than in a prepositional phrase.

To add dramatic effect, consider revising as follows:

I screamed, (line break here)

but knew no one else would hear me.

With only a few lines, the poet has painted a picture of the brief 
action.The focus is on the action, not on descriptive adjectives.The 
second or revised poem is the better and stronger of the two versions, 
as one would expect.What the poem gives her reader is a quick snapshot 
of the action.


  More soon--Alice


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