[Critique Group 2] Leonard's critiques for April

[Tuchyner5 at aol.com]

Brad’s  piece 
You’ve done a good job  in summarizing your life up to now. You’ve brought 
in the major issues, (for  lack of a better term). You’ve maintained an 
economy of words in that you use  relatively few of them to paint a very large 
picture.  It occurs to me that you have the  summary of many other poems and 
stories in each verse. In fact, it is the  outline for a major memoir.  
Capping off six  decades 
C By Brad Corallo
Word count 193

It hasn't been a six  story mountain.
Rather an undulating roller coaster  track 
I like the metaphoric  imagery of these two beginning lines. It’s a great  
start. 
Time like a  concertina, expanding and compressing 
Another good  metaphoric image. 

such a mixed bag  of bitter sweet!
Friendships, experiments and epiphanies.
Lovers,  marriages and pets.
Great wines, riveting books, successes and  failures.
Magic and miracles;
depression, tedium and loss!
Good  summary. 

Immobilizing  fears;
Processed through therapy mills and just doing.
Winter Polar  Be 
ar plunges for my own  charity.  
I’m not sure what this  means. I think you mean that you have plunged into 
ventures cold turkey for your  own welfare. But the word ‘Charity ‘is what I
’m not sure about.

as the lost  singer sang.
Crystal clear perceptions and
clouded,  confused and absent hours. 
This is an interesting and beautiful quote,  but I question whether it adds 
enough to be worth the space it takes up. You’ve  said the same things 
already with your own voice. 

Soaring on wings  of love.
Sinking under oceans of crushing loneliness. 
I think these two  lines tell a lot.  

Beliefs: there is  nothing after this, 
But there must be. 
I’m glad you added the  spiritual dimension. 
and derangement of the  senses like Rimbaud. 
This paragraph does add new important dimensions.  But I had to look up 
Rimbaud. I know you are well read, but I believe most  readers would not know 
what you were talking about. Do you want to leave them  behind?   

Ten thousand songs  later
loved from seven to almost sixty.
Playing memory tricks;
that is  one of their new ones.
Wait a minute
that was thirty years ago!
I’m  glad you added the time dilation issue. Most seniors will relate to 
this, if  they can remember that they have the same issue. 

And what about  tomorrow?
Things: wonderful and terrible are all eventual.
And though you  can plan for your future,
you can't plan your future.
I love the lines  of this paragraph up to this point... You might consider 
keeping it in the first  person. 
In the final analysis,  There's only
Now!   
I’m ambivalent about  these lines. Philosophically, they are true, but I’
ve heard them so many times  as of late. They are not refreshing.  The poem 
can end with the lines prior to these.  If you could find a new way to say 
what  you are saying in this ending, that would be  wonderful. 
 

Abbies  poem 

I love this poem.  Its message, words and other poetic devices work 
beautifully together.   
PEACE ON CASPER MOUNTAIN



Gravel  crunches beneath our feet. 

With plenty of  grass, bushes, 
I think it should read  ‘grass and bushes.’ 

the forest smells  of pine, flowers 
Again I think it  should read ‘pine and flowers. If you are listening to a 
reading it would sound  like you are talking about pine flowers, a kind of  
flower. 

under a blue  Wyoming  sky. 
I love, “Wyoming Sky.” Great  rhyme.

In the  distance, a chain saw whines. 
The rhyme continues  nicely.

Is someone  clear-cutting or chopping firewood? 
The rhythm is broken  here. But it is an effective device. Everything is 
beautiful, and then the  melody is broken by an unwelcome sound, which by its 
nature is destroying the  beautiful forest. 

As we walk  towards camp, the saw stops. 
It is interesting that  when the disruptive sound stops, the meter returns 
to 8 syllables, which was the  dominant beat before. Then with the truck 
passing with its machine sounds, the  beat disappears again. 

Moments later, a  wood-filled truck passes. 

Has enough of the  forest been taken for one day? 
 
Very powerful end  line. It drips with sarcasm. I love it.


Alice’s piece for April   
Your statement that this sonnet highlights the merits of  free verse is 
certainly true. I have to admire the chutzpa of undertaking (pun  intended) 
this project.  If anyone  could make it work, it would be you, and you almost 
pulled it off.  Unfortunately, it impressed me as a case of the tail wagging 
the dog. The form  has ruled the message and the song.   Having  
said that, I did enjoy the humor.  The ideas are clever and cute. The  
rhymes all work, but sometimes they seemed reaching. By that I mean, it felt  
like you were reaching for a way to get a rhyme in. The content seemed in some 
 places to be made for the rhyme. 
I  don’t think I could have done this as well as you. Not even  close. 
The last line was a lot of fun.   
All in all, I’d hve to say you’ve done a really good job  with a really 
difficult task.  
A  Sonneteer's Bucket List 

by Alice Jane-Marie  Massa 
Alas! The day has come for me to ask: 
What can you find in my pale Bucket List? 
Do I present for you too hard a task? 
Of course, my list has a poetic twist! 
Turn to Bedloe's Island  for your first clue. 
A pedestal was placed and did inspire 
A "Colossus," once thought of as so "new"-- 
verses of which immigrants will not tire. 
Oh, you know, Ms. Lazarus holds the lead: 
her poem is immortalized on a plaque 
for generations of tourists to read. 
No pages are needed--take this book back! 
I want my poem in granite.  Please don't laugh! 
My Bucket List comes with my epitaph. 
########## 
Val’s  piece 

Mother  love



I stepped in to darkness, 
I love the layered  meanings of darkness.

a night so  thick with sorrow
I could hardly breathe. 
Terrific two lines. I  wish I’d written them.

My eyes  strained for light
from the stars, the horizon,
the hidden chamber of  spirit 
Beautiful, powerful  heartbreaking.



Listening  with every ounce of hope, 
Wow!
a splinter of  light appeared--
within me as well as 
before my eyes.


In that  split moment of knowing
I reached out a hand--
He was before me, 
well,  alive, smiling triumphant. 
At this point there  are so many wonderful questions.  Except for the 
title, this could be Christ risen, a loved one such as  child, husband, parent.  


"Mother!"
the  word shook reality and my soul! 
A question is answered  and leaves more questions.  Is this  a child who 
was missing and returned? Is it a child who is no longer of this  earth who 
has returned in spirit? 

Beautiful, His  blue eyes took
away every tear in my heart.
The light between us  grew 
That question is  wonderfully unanswered. 

and the first  streak of morning
lit the sky. 
So this morning and  light can be the light and awakening of the soul. 
And/or it can be the dawn of a  physical morning and the relief of a mother for 
her son. It is probably all of  the above.


All we  shared was silent
through heart and spirit as I gazed
at the coming of a  new day,

my Son 
These last lines would  make a rock cry. 
Valerie, I bow at the  feet of a master. It is that good.



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