[Critique Group 2] for September 20 critique session

[Alice Massa]

Hello!  Leonard, Abbie, Brad, and Valerie:


     Besides sending this e-mail to "group 2," I sent the e-mail to 
Abbie's new e-address.


     Thoughts of Colin Kaepernick and recollections of 9/11 prompted me 
to return to a poem which I wrote when my nephew was first deployed to 
Afghanistan in 2012.  I have never posted this poem on my blog nor 
submitted it elsewhere.  In my print document, the refrain line "Ten 
little fingers and ten little toes" is in Italic print.  I have always 
wondered if this refrain line would be clear to my readers.  The poem is 
30 lines, 203 words.


     Just in case you need to know, a blue-star banner in a window 
indicates that the household/family has one family member overseas in 
active duty.  During WW II, my paternal grandparents had four blue stars 
in their window on the farm.


In advance, thanks for reading and critiquing the following pasted or 
attached poem,

Alice

ajm321kh at wi.rr.com


*Blue Star for a Bold Nephew*

by Alice Jane-Marie Massa

I have been here before,

been in this room before,

with the blue-star banner hanging on my window

and my heart, my heart hanging so low.

Three flags flourish on my window sill;

three years ago, he was in Iraq for eleven months.

Commander-in-Chief, wasn’t that enough?

/Ten little fingers and ten little toes./

Creator-in-Chief, bring him back once more--

like his grandpas, uncles, dad, and cousins.

/Ten little fingers and ten little toes./

I have been in this room before--

waiting, waiting so long:

standing, standing in front of the draperies

where I pinned his airborne wings—

praying, praying for ordinary things.

/Ten little fingers and ten little toes./

Last year, he shook hands with the President and with Michelle—

those hands, those hands that play so beautifully the “Ashokan Farewell”

on his violin that I love, so love.

/Ten little fingers and ten little toes./

Commander-in-Chief, tell me this is all a mistake.

Wake me!Wake me from this blue-star dream!

I have been in this room before:

I have been at this window before.

To honor him and all his fellow soldiers,

I stand.

In prayer, I stand.

Second deployment:Bagram, Afghanistan.

Number of words: 203

Number of lines: 30

first draft:July 10, 2012

revision:July 19, 2012

second revision:September 9-11, 2016


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