[Critique Group 2] Fwd: critiqued example and some guidelines

Sat Jul 9 20:34:51 EDT 2016

Leonard  Tuchyner
Licensed Professional Counselor
"Writing for Healing &  Growth" Workshop Facilitator
Columnist for Dialogue Magazine
Author  of A Journey to Elsewhere: Poetry Through the Seasons of Life  
Available on Amazon  

____________________________________
 From: Tuchyner5 at aol.com
To: group1 at bluegrasspals.com,  group2 at bluegrasspals.com
CC: tuchyner5 at aol.com
Sent: 7/9/2016 8:14:34  P.M. Eastern Daylight Time
Subj: critiqued example and some  guidelines

Hi Groups 1 and 2, 
As I promised, below is a poem  I wrote with the example of a critique done 
in a sighted poetry critique  group. I was going to send another one which 
was rather negative, though there  were some useful ideas in it. I thought 
it would be better to show one that  was balanced between good and could b 
better. Actually, it’s mostly positive.  But you will find that often your 
work will be seen in completely different  ways by different people and 
different groups.  
This example is only one way  that a critique can be documented. Use 
whatever approach works for you.  
Don’t forget your dates for our  first session respective to your group. Don
’t forget to send in your pieces at  least one week in advance of the 
meeting.  
I’ll repeat here a few  guidelines. Poetry should not be longer than 50 
lines. You can send in a  complete pros piece, but don’t expect everyone to 
read the whole thing. The  shorter it is, the more likely that is to happen.  
Each critic will only be required to  read as many as 2 pages.  If the  
writer chooses to send in the whole piece, than that writer can choose which 2  
pages he or she wants reviewed.   
Remember, because of the  conciseness of poetry, it is the most intensely 
critiqued.  Usually, pros is less densely  critiqued. The exception to that 
rule is when I used to hand in papers to my  High School English teacher. It 
had more red letters on it when she was  finished critiquing it than it had 
black.  
Leonard  
------ 
Home is Where the Slobber  is   
There is something about  dogs 
that brings my heart to  hearth. 
These warm-bodied,  hot-breath’d, 
champion shedders of hair 
have two smells my puny  nose 
can discern extremely well. 
Essence of canine shelter is  one, 
which is friendly as a hearty  fart, 
or a satisfied gurgly burp. 
The other is a toasty aroma 
that urges me to burry my  snout 
deeply into a furry soft  ruff. 
In human terms, of early  morning, 
I slip downstairs for morning  fare, 
exchange cordial greetings with  Chloe, 
who lies on high “her” alleged  divan, 
resting from early day  ablutions 
performed outdoors in dewey  dawn. 
We touch noses. 
Mine short, white and dry. 
Hers, long, black and damp. 
We gaze eye to eye, 
as she checks me out 
for ill winded odors. 
Nothing amiss, I’m  dismissed. 
I find a chair still warm from  Barney, 
who’s making a final sentry  snoop 
in his backyard, duty dog  domain. 
I hear the swish of his special  door, 
his stampeding paws speeding up  stairs. 
He presses his head beside my  thigh, 
his brown eyes hidden like a  shy child’s 
seeking comfort in his father’s  lap. 
I scratch his thick scruffy  tawny mane. 
He looks up with puppy soft  liquid orbs. 
I buss his muzzle  affectionately. 
He answers with a lightening  quick slurp, 
deftly catching my formerly dry  nose. 
I won’t wipe that wet softness  of his kiss. 
--------- 
super great title 
I love line one., 2, 3,4 
I’m confused by line 5. I thought you were talking  about dogs smelling 
something. maybe use the word odor.That would clarify  things maybe.  
On line 6, it implies that you like the smell of  everybody’s farts. Are 
you talking about your own farts. I think you need to  specify it more.. 
On line 8 I think you can come up with a better word  than toasty aroma to 
describe the aroma of a dog.. But I like what is going on  there in the 
story. 
I like the description of your interaction with  Chloe  and her 
personality. 
In line 14 Mine short, white and dry. ) Use pale  instead of white. 
I like line 17. (Ill winded odors) 
line 18 (Nothing amiss, I’m dismissed.) 
I love that. 
19I find a chair still warm from Barney, 
I like this. it is obvious that Barny is the  favorite 
line 20 _who’s making a final sentry snoop 
‘snoop took me out for some reason. Maybe scan is a  better word. 
line 25 his brown eyes hidden like a shy  child’s 
I really like this We make our pets into our children  and this really 
works. 
line 28 He looks up with puppy soft liquid  orbs. 
You can do better with this. It sounds too  ordnary. 
line 29 I buss his muzzle affectionately. 
Kiss is better than buss. 
A lot of people wouldn’t know what buss  means. 
line 30 He answers with a lightening quick  slurp, 
This is perfect 
32I won’t wipe that wet softness of his  kiss. 
My overall comments are that I like the  interrelationship between the two 
species connecting, while they share  disconnection of their senses. It doesn
’t matter to them.  Basically, that is what I’m reading  from this.  
Slightly disconnected  in their understanding, but it doesn’t matter.  The deeper 
understanding is there.  

_ 
(http://www.amazon.com/Journey-Elsewhere-Poetry-Through-Seasons/dp/0989146545/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1441270210&sr=8-1&keywords=A+Journey+to+Elsewhere
&pebp=1441270215075&perid=1GXN1BSTQ4FERV5NHCXD) 
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