[Critique Group 1] Leonards Comments

Wed Nov 3 16:48:41 EDT 2021

MARIA

This is a bitter sweet goodbye. 

A little humor goes a long way. 

But, you have always been know to show humorunder dyre circumstances. 

The writing is flawless from my point of view. 

I learned a little bit of Catholic custim  where burials are concerned.

You’ve also succeeded in making this into aHalloween  event.   

So your father will always hold the upper handover your mother.. 

Is that the way it was in this life? 

I’m a little confused about how the catholic remains are handled. 

You describe your father the way you   imagined him in the casket. 

But you also speak of his remains in an  urn.

Martia sub for October 21

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 Harmless Ghost Story

Oct 17, 2021

Marcia J. Wick

Word Count:  614

With ease, my Dear Old Dad swallowed his finalbreath shortly before noon Monday, September 27, 2021, three weeks shy of his97th birthday October 17. At 91, Mom preceded Dad to the gravefour years earlier October 21, only four short days after making sure he gotpie and ice cream for his birthday that year.  Suddenly, the family had toshift from planning Dad’s party with pie to setting a funeral and burial datethat wouldn’t collide with the anniversary of Dad’s birth or Mom’s death andfuneral service.

For Mom, we avoided gathering on Hallows Eve atthe cemetery, even though it’s the vigil of a Holy Day. Instead, we buried MomNovember 1, All Saints Day, her ashes intact in an urn as per Catholicrequirement. Snow dusted the grass that morning, highlighting the precisionsquare corners of the grave. Confused by dementia, Dad kept insisting on warmweather for his burial.

Unfortunately, the forecast for Dad’s burialOctober 12 was for temperatures in the 40s with a “feels like” index of 32, lowclouds, high winds,  and snowy drizzle. The drizzle came early as the sixsiblings rode to the cemetery in the funeral home limo.

“Mom’s not about to let Dad have a warm burialday,” we mused.

It was eerie to see Mom’s grave reopened toreceive my Dad’s casket, although Mom’s ashes were sealed in a cement vault.Second to arrive, Dad’s vault was placed on top of Mom’s. I couldn’t help butponder the arrangement. To conserve land, married couples were buried one ontop of the other, I assumed, rather than side-by-side like my parents had lainin their master bedroom for nearly 70 years. I had also assumed, being older,that Dad would be first in and reside on the bottom level. Now, his remains wouldremain stacked on top of hers for forever.

As we arrived at the military cemetery, apicturesque setting at the base of the Colorado Rockies, the moisture tapered,the clouds lifted, and the high country sun warmed me sufficiently to shed theblack overcoat that I’d inherited from Mom.

“I guess Mom decided to acquiesce,” I whisperedto a sister.

I envisioned Dad laid out in his casket, dressedin his well-worn teacher’s blazer, a pressed hankie stuffed in its pocket, hisfingers secure on the brim of a ball cap embroidered with the United States AirForce logo.

“You up there, Ed?” Mom would say.

“Sorry to keep you waiting, dear,” Dad wouldreply.

“I thought you’d wait another three weeks toenjoy pie and ice cream on your birthday, but you couldn’t have expected me tohold off the snow for that long,” Mom might mutter.

“I tried to cross over once or twice sooner, butthe kids just kept bringing me wonderful meals and, after a while, I lost thekeys to the car and couldn’t find my way out of the house.”

“I was afraid that would happen. You weregetting forgetful when I left. I didn’t want to get stuck like you, lingeringfor years while the children cooked and cleaned up after me. No thanks. I gotout when I could. I know it was rather abrupt and all, falling and hitting myhead like that…”Mom would trail off.

“Now that we’re together again, dear, could youconjure up a triple berry pie with French vanilla for my birthday, please?”

“Oh, Ed. There’s no pie in store for you here.But just wait until Hallow’s Eve. You can go trick or treating with all theother old fools around here.”

DEANN:A

Deanna sub for October 21

Wow. Surprise ending. It was a woman.  

Yu did a good job of describing all the characters in this scenario. 

You also displayed a good command of male vocabulary  . 

Somehow, that all conspired to lead the reader into a surprise trap. 

The   reader’s sympathy isdefinitely on the female’s side.  

You made murder seem like a reasonable thing.

ByDeAnna Quietwater Noriega

               Arie Carter swerved her VW into the driveway at her grandmother's house. She set the parking brake and noticed Kiki Vanderholt sprawled on alounge-chair in the front yard next door.  Kiki's blonde opulent figurethreatened to escape from the thong bikini she wore.  It was a glorioussummer day--Arie had to admit--but didn't the girl know about the risks ofskin-cancer and the aging effects of sun tanning?  Not for Kiki apparently-- the privacy of a backyard sunbath, when she could soak up the rays andadmiration of any handy male-members of the population.  Her audienceseemed a bit thin today. 

               Across the street, that creepy Mathews guy with the tattoos was absorbed inworking on his car.  In the yard on the other side of Granddee's was MikeTanner, crouched over his mother's flower bed pulling weeds.  He is tooshy to pay much attention to girls guessed Arie.  As she slid from thecar, she glanced down at her lanky six-foot jean-clad self.  Arie’scupid-bow lips quirked in to a wry smile. There was no competition here for thegolden sun-worshiper. Shaking back her mop of dark hair, Arie glanced at herwatch.  One-thirty already? If she hurried, she could get the shoppingdone and make it back to help Granddee fix dinner.  Then they would havetime to relax and talk until Mable returned from her day off.  Ariestretched and headed up the walk to fetch granddee's shopping list. 

               Biff Mathews gave a sidelong glance to the candy-apple red bug as it pulledinto the driveway across the road.  "Here comes the piece with thelegs!  Man oh man, would he like to have those wrapped around him in thebackseat of his wheels!  Not much on top, for true, but she was realclass.  Not like the fat-assed bitch living next door to the oldlady.  She was a cock-tease by the look of her, parading around, lettingit all hang-out.  Bet the Tanner geek was getting an eyeful.  Whyelse would he be out pretending to help his mommy in the yard?  Now thehot tamale working at Safeway on Saturdays had primo tits, but she thought shewas too good for a guy with grease under his nails.  She oughta be glad awhite guy was even interested in her.  But no!  She hadda go runningoff crying like a little kid.  If those headlights hadn't turned into thelot, he would have shown her what a real man was like!"

               Kiki turned her head lazily to watch old Mrs. Carter's goody-goodygranddaughter pull her beetle into the driveway next door.  Guess shedidn't have anything better to do on a Sunday afternoon than to run errands forthe old bat, (considering she had a figure like a boy and legs like Olive Oylfrom the Popeye cartoons.)  Her hair looked like she'd stuck her finger ina light socket or something.  How she ever scrunched herself in to thatdinky car anyway was a mystery.  Good, she pulled far enough into thedrive not to block Mikey's view.  He's a nerd, but maybe if Biff noticedhim 

Double ifs. Did you meanone of them to mean  (she?) Is Kiki stilldoing the talking here?

looking he'd get alittle jealous.  Now there's a real hunk!  Kiki considered getting upand casually strolling over to ask if he wanted a cold drink -- it being so hotand all.  She wondered if ma would notice if she snagged a  couple of beers?  Biff didn't look likethe type to go for a diet coke. 

               Michael Tanner grunted as he hauled another strand of Bermuda-grass out of hisexperimental (bloom all growing season) bed of bulbs.  Ah here sheis.  He sat back on his heels to watch Ariana flow out of her cute redcar.  She stretched like a panther and moved gracefully up the walk,tossing her cloud of raven curls back.  Her hair gleamed like ruffledmidnight satin against the red top she wore with her tapered jeans.  Shemoved like a dancer making walking a symphony of motion.  Maybe he should cutsome of the red tulips that matched her shirt and take them over to Mrs. Carterwhen Ariana came back with the groceries.  They might invite him in foriced-tea and some of those chocolate chip cookies with cashews Mrs. Carterbaked.  Michael shoved his glasses back up on his freckled nose and wishedhe were taller.  Ariana would never pay attention to a guy who had to lookup to meet those beautiful brown eyes with the amber flecks in them.  Ifthey did invite him in, he could at least watch her laughing and talking withher grandmother for awhile.  As he bent to resume his weeding, he notedthat Kiki was out trying to catch the attention of Bertram Mathews, theincredible hulk across the street.  He hoped she didn't end up with apainful sun-burn for her trouble.  Poor little butter-cup was wasting hertime on that moron.  The jerk wasn't worth half the effort she put intothe project. 

               Delia Carter leaned out of her wheelchair to pull back the curtains.  Sheheard the distinctive burr, like an overgrown lawn mower, of hergranddaughter's ridiculous little slug-bug as it turned into the drive. Ariana Marie Carter, you're late as usual my girl!  A fond smile touchedDelia's lips, as she watched Arie unfold from the car and arch her spine. Lord! The girl was wearing one of those elastic tube tops that barely coveredenough to be decent!  The red shade was nice though.  It made herskin glow like mother-of-pearl.  It brought out the highlights in theblack mane flowing in a glossy cascade over the girl's bare-shoulders. She had David's height and Amanda's high cheekbones and delicatefeatures.  She was definitely going to be a heart-breaker when she finallyout-grew the coltish stage -- not like that chubby little Vanderholt girl nextdoor.  By the time Kiki (what a silly name) reached thirty, her bust wouldbe drooping down to her navel.  By then, Arie would have become an eleganthead-turner.  Delia reached for her shopping list as she watched the childlope up the walk.

               Danny Martinez slowed his Mustang as he turned on to the street.  Yeh,there was the shit-head messing with the engine of his crappy old junker. Witnesses?  A babe across the street--looked like maybe she was asleep, askinny kid going into the house next to that and an old guy digging in the dirt-- no problemo!  Danny checked to see if Angel was ready.

               "Angel-of-death, that's me, steady the barrel of the gun on the frame ofthe open car window.  Time to say bye-bye ass-hole, gently squeeze thetrigger." 

               At the crack of the gunshot, Arie spun to see the old Ford with chrome rimsspeed up to lay down rubber as it rounded the corner.  She watched inhorror as the Mathews guy slowly slid off the engine of his car and crumpled tothe ground.   A red stain blossomed on his dirty tee-shirt.

              "Granddee call for an ambulance and phone the police! Someone’s beenshot!" Arie sprinted across the street.

               Michael Tanner jumped at the loud bang.  He glanced at the car that hadjust passed.  It sped up and squealed into the turn onto Oak at the end ofthe block.  He noted that the license-plate read (494 DAY).  AtAriana's shout, his eyes followed her dash across the street to kneel besideBert Mathews.  He scrambled to his feet to follow her to offer what helphe could. 

               Kiki looked through her lashes as the forest green car approached. She wonderedif she should shop for a coat in that shade for school next fall.  It wasa good color to bring out the green of her eyes and the gold of her hair. She saw that the Mexican guy driving was checking her out as the carslowed.  The second guy was turned away, but he looked to be a greasertoo.  She frowned at the loud back-fire and wrinkled her nose in disgustas the old heap sped up and turned the corner.  She yawned and then jerkedto a sitting position as Carrie? Mary? Terrie? whatever her name was  ranacross the street.  She began to scream when she saw Biff lying on theground in a widening pool of blood. 

 Who did thescreaming?

               Delia Carter had turned her chair away from the window to greet Ariana when hergranddaughter spun back out of the doorway shouting about police and anambulance.  Delia reached for the cell phone holstered at her waist. Shewheeled to the open door to see what had gotten Ariana all worked up.  Asshe dialed, she saw Mike Tanner run across to join Arie, where she kneltchecking for a pulse in the wrist of the man on the ground. "Oh lord! itwas that hoodlum, the Mathews boy!"  Mike's ash-blonde head bentclose to Arie's ebony one.  He pulled a bandana from his pocket andappeared to be pressing it against the wound.  "Good! Arie hadsomeone sensible to help her until the authorities arrived."  

               Officer Jeff Phelps frowned as he finished keying in his notes from theeye-witness accounts.  God he hated these drive-by shootings.  Atleast this one seemed to have gone off without involving any innocent littlekids or anything.  The license number was a bust.  It came off a maroon SUV that belonged to the manager of a super market six blocks from theshooting.  The owner had no idea when it had been lifted, since he alwaysparked his car at the back of the lot where he worked.  The victimappeared to be the type to get himself into trouble, but had no known gangaffiliation.  Too bad he was DOA and couldn't explain why anyone wanted toput out his lights.  This one was probably not going to go anywhere,unless they could tie him to a particular run-in with one of the Hispanicstreet gangs.  Even then, looking for an older dark green muscle carwasn't going to be that easy." 

               Angel sat on the edge of Anita's bed, gently stroking the silky dark hairspread across the pillow.  "It's going to be okay Mija.  Thatbastard won't ever try to lay a hand on you or hurt any other girl again! I have to get back to base now, cuz my unit is shipping out to the middleeast.  You do good in school and try to forget that pendejo ever existed. Danny will look out for you.  Say your rosary for me and the guys everynight chica."  Sergeant Angela Martinez kissed her sister's cheek,squared her shoulders, rising to stride out of the room.  

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Cleora

I’m Terrible at this kind of thng.  

What you have sounds fine to me. 

It has taken some of the main themes of thestory  and expressed them in a minimalamount of words. 

The themes sound interesting.

Cleora sub for October 21, 2021

63 words

elevator pitch for Legend of Sly duck

I'm currently working on a story about avisually impaired duck who starts out walking south for the winter because sheruns into things when she tries to fly.

On her journey, she befriends a grasshopper,receives an adaptive device to help her fly, and proves her worth by saving akingdom from an evil monarch. 

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SALLY

Ireally  enjoyed this poem. 

It definesthe English victory garden

. It has anice rhythm and good sounds. 

There is agood amount of  alliteration and rsounds.  

Beautiful.No wasted words. 
                                               “NEEDS MUST.

Salley subfor Oct

Massivepaws lumbering along

familiarEnglish garden paths,

my aunt’sgentle mastiffs are perplexed

to findroses replaced by rhubarb.

Wherelarkspur and lavender flourished,

courgettesand carrots await harvesting.

What arecourcettes 

Near dark,gnarled yew trees from which

the ancienthouse takes its name,

What arecorcettes? What is the house’s name.

rows ofpotatoes and peas are nourished

By soil andsun in a ravaged

andrationed nation’s victory garden.

 I am  particularly fond of these last three lines.

nature’sabundance will feed

thehomefront until, Hitler defeated,

Englishroses bloom again.

Love theending.

By SallyRosenthal

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