[Critique Group 1] Cleora's March submission

[sitting.duck at springmail.com]

it's a little rough but here it is

2774 words
Prize Winner
By Sly Duck

“Get your tickets ready, folks,” we are about to draw the number for the lucky winner of the top of the line...”
“Cynthia,” someone yelled in my ear, drowning out the last words of the speaker. I turned to see it was Janeen. “Shush,” I said urgently, “I'm entered in this.”
“Oh, Cynthia, no one ever wins those things. It's just a gimmick.”
“Just the same,” I said feeling like clapping my hand over her big mouth.
“Have you got your numbers ready?” the announcer was saying. Someone has placed a blind fold over his eyes. He reaches his hand into the box, and pulls out a strip of paper.
“You know what I got today?” Janeen squeals in my ear.
“No,” I say. “Shush”
The man is holding the ticket. “And the lucky number is...”
“It's the most wonderful thing ever,” continues Janeen.
OK, that's it. I step back a little to get behind Janeen and clap my hand firmly over her mouth and the other arm across her chest pinning her against me.
She begins to struggle, but I am able to hear, “...8429. Again, look at your numbers folks, the winner is the person with ticket 5478429. Is the person with ticket number 5478429 here? You must be present to win. Would the person with 5478429 please step forward now. If no one speaks up, I'll have to draw another number.” I can’t remember my number exactly, but I think that might be me. Janeen is struggling. I repeat the number over and over in my mind. As Janeen gets away she knocks my ticket out of my hand. I see it flutter to the floor. The man in front of me steps back placing his foot on top of it. 
“Is the winner here?” asks the announcer.
“Wait,” I cry out, “I think it's me.” I'm pounding my fist on the top of the guys foot. “Get off my ticket,” I scream.
“Young lady, get hold of yourself. What is it with this younger generation. No respect.” He slides his foot away but the ticket must be stuck to it.
“Get off my ticket,” I scream, continuing to pound his shoe.
A couple of burley men appear, grab me, and pull me away from the man. “He is standing on my ticket,” I keep screaming. “Make him give me my ticket.”
It took some time, but finally after 3 hours in the main office under guard, the whole thing got straightened out. “OK, miss, here you go.” He reached out his hand. It held a 3 x 5 inch rectangular box. 
“What's that?” I asked.
“It's your prize.”
I took the box, and opened it expecting to find a set of keys for my very own, state of the art, perfect in every way, Saturn. But, it wasn't keys, it was two pieces of plastic fastened together on the side by a hinge. “What's this,” I asked, looking at him.
“It's your Saturn Intergalactic Smart Communicator,” he said simply. “Enjoy.”
“I don't understand. My prize is a Saturn. Is this some kind of remote control?”
“No, it's a direct line to the Chamber of Commerce on Saturn. You contact them and you may choose any one of the 5 Saturn moons for your communication link. Congratulations.”
I stared at him open mouthed. “But, I won a car.”
He shook his head. “If you don't mind. I have a lot of work to do. The instructions are inside. Just call the number, and they will take care of the details.”
I stood up shakily laying the hand with the box on the edge of his desk to steady myself. Slowly I straightened completely. I left the box on the desk and turned to leave. I felt a weight in my pocket. Looking back, I saw the box was gone. I checked my pocket. It was in my pocket.
“It is one of the features,” he said cheerily. “You can't lose it. It is highly advanced technology. It will always move into a pocket or purse so you can never accidentally leave it behind. I sure wish I had one. What a great prize.”
I took it out of my pocket and handed it to him.
“No, it has been programmed to you. It is yours from now on.”
“Terrific,” I said, looking at it. I dropped it in my pocket and left the room.
Janeen was waiting outside the door. “Wow, can I see it? Can I use it? What are you going to do now? 
She kept talking, asking one question after another. I had to get rid of her so I could think.
She took it out of my pocket, opened it up, and began messing with it. 
“I am sorry,” said a female voice with an accent. “You are not my designated person. Please return me to my handler.”
“EEK,” Janeen squeaked, and dropped the box.
It glided over and settled in my pocket.
“Come on Janeen, I'll take you home, then I have to get to work.”
I didn't really have to go to work. I took the day off so I could be present for the drawing, but I did need to get rid of Janeen.
“Wow! This is just soooo awesome. I have a friend on the Saturn moon Rhea. I play Junk Yard with him. He is soooo awesome. He wants to come to earth someday. He just needs a sponsor.”
I dropped Janeen off at her apartment and went home.
Well, I might as well see what it is all about.
I took the box out. I still couldn't bring myself to think of it as a phone, but I suppose that is what it is.
I opened it up. “Hello, Cynthia” the female voice said. “Are you ready to set me up?”
“I guess,” I said.
	“Select the intergalactic number for the moon you want.”
I stared at the list. “I don't want any of them.”
“You must select a moon.”
“How much does all this cost?”
“Your Saturn Intergalactic Smart Communicator comes with 30 days unlimited interstellar talk, text, and data. Would you like to activate your free trial now?”
I snapped the phone shut, and rummaged through the box for the directions. The only thing I found was a half inch square piece of red plastic.
I opened the phone again. 
“Hello, Cynthia, are you ready to set me up?”
“Where are the instructions?” I asked.
“Place the red chip in the slot on the bottom of the Saturn Intergalactic Smart Communicator.”
I turned it over, and placed the plastic square in the only slot I could find. Nothing happened. I turned the phone back over. “Now what?” There was no answer. I turned it over again, took out the chip and examined it. Turning it over, I saw an arrow pointing at one side. I slid that side in first.
“Welcome to the Saturn Intergalactic Smart Communicator. Let's get started,” said a male voice.
The phone was quite amazing, with it, I could talk to anyone on any of the 15 extraterrestrial colonies that had one like it.
The only person I know that knows anyone on one of the colonies is Janeen. 
Oh well, the ticket had been free. I dropped the phone back in its box, and stored it away in a drawer.
My phone started ringing at 9:06am. It was another one of those blank calls. You know, the ones where a random generated number calls your phone and stays on 2 seconds after your answering machine stops talking, and leaves no message. I hate those calls. I never answer them. I never answer any call that isn't someone I know or want to talk to any more. Reason number one why I have absolutely no use for some fancy spancy smartphone that can call Saturn.
Oh, well. I had planned to be cruising with my new Saturn, but as long as I had the day off, I might as well enjoy it. I was watching an episode of M*A*S*h* when the doorbell rang. 
Janeen was on the other side of the door.
“Are you alright? I called you at work but they said you weren't there. I was worried. Are you sick?”
I groaned inwardly. Thought about how it would have been better if I hadn't answered the door, but, she would have probably called the police.
“No, I'm fine. Just taking some time off.”
“Oh, wow! That is soooo mazing. How did you know? This is fantastic. You could sponsor Gerald. This is soooo perfect.”
“Hold on, there. Not so fast. What do you mean “sponsor” Gerald?”
“Well, long story short,” she began. 
I cringed. If anything, stories from Janeen were never short.
“Gerald wanted to come to visit. He had a ticket for the drawing for the Saturn. The phone, you know. But his dad didn't come, so he couldn't come, so he missed the drawing. Had to be present to win, you know. Well, anyway, he wanted to come visit anyway. And, since you are home, you could sponsor him.”
“What do you mean “sponsor”?”
“You know, he has his own ship. It is soooo amazing. It travels on a light beam. But, local ports won't let you land one, so he has to have a sponsor who has a yard big enough to park it while he's here. Your yard is perfect. It's not a very big ship. Just a two passenger. And, you have a privacy fence, so it would be secure. It wouldn't be any trouble. We could go do something amazing. He could help you with the new phone. He has one of the old ones. There are soooo many amazing things you can do with it.”
She was still talking, but I wasn't listening. I backed into the house. She followed me in and shut the door behind us.
“So, will you do it?”
“Do it?”
“Sponsor him?”
“I don't know, I don't have anywhere for him to stay. As for my yard, well, what about the trees. I just planted that Chinese Pistachio a year ago. I don't want anything to damage it.”
“It's absolutely, perfectly safe. I promise.”
I knew about Janeen's promises. They usually resulted in an “Oops” I didn't know that would happen. But, I know once she gets an idea into her head...
“And, he won't be staying long. He's just coming for a visit. We'll spend some time together. And, then he'll go back. It's only an hour trip each way. If he starts right now, he can be here by eleven, we can spend the day, then he can be back home by --hum--well, whatever midnight our time is on Saturn. Pleeese.”
I filled my lungs to capacity and pushed the air out through my mouth. I placed my face in my hands, and drug them down my face slowly. “Well, I suppose I could talk to him.”
She got him on her phone and handed it to me.
“I don't know how to use this,” I started.
“I put it on speaker,” she said.
“Hello, Ms. Sharp. How are you.”
I was shocked. He sounded so calm and polite. I had never really thought about it. I guess I just expected Gerald to be like Cynthia.
“Hello,” I said. “I'm fine, and you?”
“Fine. Janeen thought...well...I...Janeen was saying...”
“It’s ok,” I broke in. “Janeen was saying all there is to you're being able to come is for you to have a place to park your spaceship. I'm a little concerned, though. I don't want dents or scorch marks in my yard. Also, I have a few trees. How big is the ship? I'm not sure it will fit.”
Gerald was very polite and carefully explained how he would arrive and what I would need to do. 
“I'll file a flight plan, and be on my way in 30 minutes. I should arrive about noon your time.”
“That will be fine,” I said. “See you then.”
I handed the phone back to Janeen.
“Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you,” she squealed. She grabbed me in a bear hug, released me, and bounded out the door. “See you at noon.” Were her parting words.
I took a deep breath, buried my face in my hands again, and let them slide slowly down my face as I expelled air from my lungs. I went out in my yard, rolled up the water hose, and made sure everything was ready, and went back in. By this time M*A*S*H* was over and Roseanne was on. I surfed the channels, and finally settled on sitting back and listening to the news.
Gerald arrived promptly at 11:30am. The house creaked under the force of his vessel’s magnetic field, but the landing was smooth and professional. I looked out my patio door, and gasped. It was a state of the art vessel. Clearly top of the line in every way. I immediately knew I had misjudged this Gerald, whoever he was, he was no ordinary boyfriend.
The door to the craft slid open and a lighted platform with a young man Janeen's age descended on it as it drifted to the ground. The ship hung roughly six inches off the ground. There was no landing gear visible.
“Does it have to land?” I asked.
“No, it will hang there until I'm ready to leave. Where's Janeen?”
“I expect her at noon. You are a little early.”
“Yes, sorry about that. I wanted to have a few minutes to talk to you before she arrived.”
“I had no idea your craft was one of the newer models.”
“Yes, my dad gave it to me for Christmas. I make visits to some of the surrounding moons for him, and he wanted me to have a reliable ship.”
“Moons?” I asked.
“Yes, my dad is Spinraker. You know, of Spinraker Mining Enterprises?”
My mouth fell open. I closed it with a snap nicking the tip of my tongue. “Ouch,” I yelped.
A big, perfect, beautiful grin spread across his face. Then putting his lips together, still in a huge grin, he placed his index finger in front of his mouth in a shush. “There's no need for anyone but you to know that.”
“You mean Janeen doesn't know?” 
“Well, not exactly, she knows I work for the company. She doesn't know the owner is my dad. Don't misunderstand, I like Janeen. I like her a lot. She's a lot of fun. Excitable, but fun. However, there's another reason why I jumped at the chance to come after missing out on attending the drawing. I understand you had the winning ticket.”
I nodded.
“I understand you thought the drawing was for a Saturn car.”
I nodded.
“Do you want the Saturn Intergalactic Smart Communicator? I mean even a little. Now that you know what the prize was, do you want to keep it?”
I shook my head.
“I have a proposition for you.”
“Proposition?” My eyebrows shot up.
His grin widened. “I will give you a Saturn car, any color, any extras. Totally to your specification, in exchange for the SISC phone you received.”
I followed him into his ship, and we set down in front of his console. He helped me explore my choices, and we ordered the most perfect Saturn that I could possibly have dreamed of. He arranged for it to be delivered the following week.
“Now,” he said, “as soon as it arrives, check it out. Make sure that it is exactly what you want. If there is anything you want to change, let me know and I'll take care of it. I'll activate the SISC for you and show you how to call me. When everything is perfect to your specifications, let me know, and I'll arrange to transfer the SISC to me.”
It was five minutes to twelve when we finished. I heard the doorbell as we were coming in through the patio door.
Janeen squealed with delight as soon as I opened the door, and she saw Gerald.
“Well, I'll let you kids go have your fun,” I said.
“Thanks for everything,” said Gerald. He looked at me with that beautiful smile, and Winked. “See ya later.”
In addition to the Saturn, the best thing about Gerald's visit, is that when he left, he took Janeen with him. I wonder if I will miss her? Nah.
By the way, my new state of the art, high performance, perfect in every way Saturn is soooo amazing. Grin.