[Critique Group 1] Leonard's belated comments on Cleora's sub

[tuchyner5 at aol.com]

Cleora sujb for Feb 21




 


Terrific story Well written.   



This is pretty tight. 



I have nothing obvious to correct. Cudos.




 


915 words




 


Infected



by Sly Duck




 


‘What luck,’ he thought. He didn’t usually findone so soon. Up ahead, a young girl was coming toward him swinging a white caneback and forth in front of herself. His brain tingling with anticipation, heslipped out of sight behind a tall bush beside the path to wait.




 


She stopped a few paces away. “Hello?” She spokecautiously. “Is anyone there?”




 


He grabbed her, yanked her behind the bush andplaced a knife at her throat. “Make a sound, and you’re dead,” he warned. Hewas surprised when he felt her relax.




 


“Infected,” she whispered in his ear.




 


“That won’t work on me,” he said scornfully.“But, don’t worry. That’s not what I have on my mind.” He pulled a folder outof her pant pocket and extracted a credit card with the picture of a dolphin onit. “Ah, here we are.” Pretty,” he commented, “You’re in luck, today. Tell meyour PIN and you’re free to go.”




 


“Two four eight six,” she said quietly.




 


“Very smart,” he said. Then, checking to see ifanyone was near, he gave her one last warning to say nothing and strolled awayat a normal pace. After a while he looked behind him, he didn’t see the girl.‘Oh well,’ he thought. ‘Not my problem.’




 


On his way to work, he stopped at threedifferent convenience stores, and two banks and used the ATM at each to make a$200 cash advance on the girls card. At his bank, he deposited the $1,000 inhis own account along with the $4,000 he had already charged to the cards ofhis four previous victims. At work, he pulled the five cards out and pitchedthem in the shredder. As the girls card went in, he thought he saw the pictureof a dolphin on the front swish its tail fin, turn its head to look at him, andwink.




 


The rest of the day was uneventful. On his wayhome, he stopped at the corner Quick Mart and gave a check for a bag ofskittles, some beer, and a jar of peanuts. As he left the store, he rubbed hiseyes. His vision was a little cloudy like there was a film on them. “Darnedallergies,” he muttered.




 


Over the next few weeks, he bought some tools, aseason pass to the water park, and some other incidentals. He was having sometrouble with his vision so he spent some of the money to have his eyes checked.




 


“I can’t make you see 20/20,” complained theoptometrist. “I can’t see anything wrong in there, but I’d like you to bechecked out by an ophthalmologist.”




 


He went to the recommended eye doctor, but thatdoctor didn’t see anything wrong either. When he opened his wallet to pay thereceptionist, he noticed a card with a dolphin on it. he pulled it out. Itlooked like the girl’s credit card. He was sure he had shredded it. No matter,he would do it for sure tomorrow. After a while, he noticed that each time hespent some of the money from the stolen cards, his vision became more blurred.He tried a test. He used his pay check to buy some things. Nothing changed withhis vision. He deposited the rest of his check in his bank account. He wrotechecks to pay his bills. This took most of the remaining funds he had. ‘Time toget another batch of cards,’ he thought as he dropped the payments in themailbox. As the envelopes hit the other mail at the bottom of the shoot, he noticedthe room seemed to get darker. ‘Probably a cloud came over the sun,’ hethought.




 


He went to the park and walked along thesidewalk where he normally found his victims. He walked slowly and carefully,something was definitely wrong with his eyes. He came to the tall bush andstopped. “Hi,” said a female voice behind him.




 


He whirled around. He could just make out theface of the girl he had taken the dolphin card from. She was holding out afolded up white cane. “Here,” she said. “You need this more than I do, now.” Hewas confused. Had this been a trick? Had she been able to see him all along?But, if she could see him, why hadn’t she turned him in?




 


“Thank you,” she said.




 


“You thank me?” he stammered. “Thank me forwhat.”




 


“Taking the card,” she said.




 


“About that,” he said, reaching into his walletfor the card. “Here, I’m so sorry, I’ve been feeling so guilty about what Idid.”




 


“No,” she said, “it’s yours now. You can’t giveit away and It can’t be destroyed. The only way to get rid of it is for someoneto steal it from you. When the time comes, you must tell the person you areinfected.” She thrust the folded white cane toward him again.




 


He brushed it aside, I don’t want it. “Please,you have to take the card back.”




 


She shook her head. “It is yours now.”




 


He looked at the card to get her name. For thefirst time he noticed that it had his name on it. “How did you get it?” heasked.




 


“That doesn’t matter,” she said. “The importantthing is that it’s yours now.” She smiled. “Thank you,: she said again.“Enjoy.” And, dropping the cane at his feet, she walked away.




 


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