[Critique Group 1] Sept. 2020 critique notes

[Deanna Noriega]

Sally

I could not find any changes that should be made to this piece. Poignant memory piece. 

My title suggestion is Farewell Warrior.

 

Leonard

Extended Business

In the first line, there is a typo. The word for has an unnecessary E at the end.

The second line contains the word daily which seems to clash with the word nightly in the first line. Perhaps quiet would fit without changing the rhythm.

Different thingsconsider diverse.

There is a space between the word relationship and the period that ends the line.

The line My attitudes toward them keep—Perhaps should be “my attitude toward them keeps)

I like the last line. Myself should be myself.

 

Cleora

White Is Not A Color

I am unsure how the title relates to the point of the article.

I am also a bit confused as to what the point is supposed to be.

This sounds like a letter to the editor commenting on current events, but if so, it is much too long. It came to 14 pages in braille.

You seem to jump back and forth about procedures not being followed or procedures that shouldn’t be allowed being used. You also seem to indicate that in all of these recent events, the victim was causing the problem. I think I would need source material to back each conclusion I am left confused as to what your conclusions are.

There is an extra space between video games and the period that ends that line.

 

Marcia

(enjambment? 

Excellent visuals. It reminded me of the diatribe rant type of performance rap type poetry. I can’t write this type of poetry, but you did an excellent job.

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