[Critique Group 1] cleora's september notes

[sitting.duck at springmail.com]

[comments for Sally
as for titles
The Final Flight
The Final Jump
The last Jump
combining with DeAnna's suggestion
The Warrior's Last Flight or 
Worrior's Final Jurney 


[comments for Marsha
This didn't read like a poem, 
but my copy had a blank line after every line.
What I get from this No end to trouble. We live in uncertain and troubled times of all kinds.
This could be a type-o
I would put "on" september 1
instead of in September
Perhaps reading with a screen reader makes it harder to make sense of it since the visual cues are not there for the blind reader.

[comments for Leonard
It reminds me of my own situation.
Unfortunately, My parents brother and Aunts that could have told me about my mother died before I thought of the questions and conversations I wish I had had with them.
There is no going back, and there is no way to answer the questions of why and how.

[comments for DeAnna
I think the epilog is a good ending.
I think you need to show rather than tell.
I like the comment that people mistook her for a flower child.
The ending seems wrong to me. 
It starts talking about her being a jingle dancer, 
then goes to feeling loved growing up. 
I would leave the last line out or put it earlier in the piece.
Epilogs I have read suggest where the person is going in the future. 
The jingle dancing shows she hasn't forgotten where she came from. 
The work to get an education and prepare for a better future shows her respect for her family in following their advice.