[Critique Group 1] Leonard's comments on Cleora's piece for Oct

[tuchyner5 at aol.com]

This is a first. A poem. Good job. 

I suggest you use more emotionalwords to describe the probable feelings of the other birds.  Also, more consistency of line length  is probably recommended. 

I say probably because it is astyalistic preference. 

Again: good job.

 

Cleora sub for  oct

 

 

Goodbye Dove

by C. S. Boyd

 

The dove doesn’t see the crystalclear pane.

Its neck and back broken,

 

Good use of hard k sounds insuccession.

 

It's lifeless body lands below thewindow sill.

 

Good alliteration of L sounds.

 

Wrapped in a cloth,

placed in a bag.

The unfortunate bird lies at rest,

Buried deep with rocks placed ontop.

 

Get rid of placed

 

Next morning, three doves aregathered at the site.

 

Good use of R sounds.

 

Had they been watching?

Do they know one of theirs lieshere?

 

Good rhyme  theirs and here.

 

One sits on the rocks.

Its head bowed.

Are they mourning?

Was the one its mate?

 

After a while , 

They fly away. 

Goodbye little dove.

 
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