[Critique Group 1] Leonard's comment's on DeAnna's sub

[tuchyner5 at aol.com]

Although the episode in this piece holds alot of dramma, it is primarily a teaching based piece. 



Many aspects of the narratife could haveand would have been   drawn out  if the purpose was to put the emphasis ondrama.  



For example, the counselors   dialogue with Lorrie  would have been much longer and detailed



. As it was, the counselor asked a number of questions in rapid fire  without Lorrie being able to respond  to any one of them individually. 



This is not a problem, given theinstructive  nature of the writing. 



The writer’s points are being described. 



The piece works well, and 



it certainly held my attention. 



The end was purely instructional andexplanatory. 



It was done in an effective, efficientmanner.




 


words.



Alone



ByDeAnna Quietwater Noriega



 



               (I can’t do this!) Thought Laurie as tears streamed down her face mingling withthe hot water cascading over her from the shower head. She had walked the flooruntil she had stumbled in to the walls and furniture. She had rocked Lindsay inthe rocking chair bought by her parents to celebrate the new grandchild untilher legs cramped with charley horses. Still the baby wailed and drew her legsup in agony. 



Good hook first parragraph.



Brad was working two jobs to support their littlefamily so Laurie could be at home with Lindsay. Each morning he left beforefive and didn’t return until ten at night. 



All day Laurie was alone with their tiny daughterfive hours away from her mom or older sisters.



Ten minutes ago, Laurie had finally snapped. Shescreamed at the baby and had to put her down in the crib because she was afraidshe would shake her or fling her against the wall. She had fled out of thenursery closing the door, dashing across the hall to the bedroom she sharedwith Brad; she closed that door and rushed in to the bathroom beyond. Closingthat door too, she had stripped off her clothes and jumped in to the crampedshower stall. With three closed doors and the pounding of the water, shecouldn’t hear the wailing baby. Slowly, Laurie calmed down. When the waterbegan to get cold, she turned it off and stepped back in to sanity. 



I would start a newparragraph here. 



Quickly, she toweled herself off and pulled on hersweat-shirt and jeans. She opened the bathroom door and listened to thesilence. She hurried to open the next two closed doors and anxiously looked into the crib. Lindsay lay curled where she had finally fallen in to an exhaustedsleep.




 


A horrible thought occurred to Laurie. Was thebaby too still?  Was Lindsay breathing? The overwrought young motherdarted back to her own room and snatched an antique silver backed hand mirrorher grandmother had given her. She crept back to stand over the crib. With atrembling hand, she lowered the mirror close to her daughter’s tear stainedface. She watched intently until a faint mist formed on the surface of theglass. 




 


I went through the panicof a baby being too still myself. There is nothing like it.



ThankGod! The baby was asleep.



 



Laurie moved quietly out of the room and padded onbare feet in to the kitchenette. She shuffled through the papers in the drawerunder the shelf that held the phone. Yes! Here it was. The simply printedbusiness card the nurse had given her when she left the hospital read: (ErinEllis, La Leche League Leader, mother to mother, Breastfeeding and childcareConsultant for new mothers. Shakily she dialed the number listed on the card.



“Hello, I need help! I think I am a terriblemother,” she sobbed.



Asoft voice replied, “Take a deep breath. Tell me what is going on. Where isyour baby? Tell me what is happening and why you think you are a bad mother.” 



Lauriehiccupped through her explanation of frustration and fear.



“Sweetheart,of course you aren’t a bad mother. You did exactly the right thing when you madesure Lindsay was safe and took yourself off until you were calmer. You haveexcellent instincts. You are tired and inexperienced. New babies are a lot ofwork. You are still recovering from childbirth. Take a minute to get a glass ofwater, blow your nose and tell me what you have tried so far to help Lindsaywith her colic.”



               Erin stretched, yawned and slipped her cellphone back into the holster clipped to her waistband. She might have a half anhour before her 18 month old twins woke from their afternoon naps. She couldprobably get a load of wash started and get a pan of lasagna out of the freezerand into the oven. She placed her notepad back on the nightstand. She hopedCaroline Franklin would be at the next meeting on Thursday. Laurie’s addresswas a few blocks from the Franklins’home. It would be good if the two could get acquainted. Laurie needed a friendmore than breastfeeding advice. New mothers were so isolated these days. They often lacked the support network of relatives and neighbors to fall backon that their own mothers had to help them weather those post pregnancydays.                     


-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <http://bluegrasspals.com/pipermail/group1/attachments/20191129/9183e92d/attachment.html>