[Critique Group 1] Leonard's coments on Cleora

[tuchyner5 at aol.com]

I like how the story is progressing. 




 


However, the complexity of all the kingdoms and rulersof them  is just too many to follow. 




 


It’s worse than The Game of Thrones. 




 


I think their numbers have to be thinned forsimplicities sake.  




 


If you decide you want to keep the complexity,having a glossary, as many novels do, would be advisable. 




 


That way, the readers would always be able toquickly reorient  themselves when theyfeel lost. 



1147 words



Part Eleven



Castleof King Almero, kingdom of Silent Enigma




 


King Almero, thedwarf ruler of Anathema in the kingdom of Silent Enigma (8:49),critically reviewed the scrolls of information before him.



The tandemattacks by insane shadow of the kingdomof Creeping Darkness(14:48) and VoidShadow of the kingdom of Creeping Darkness(14:48) on Sworn to EnycE, the large undead province in Hades Legions. hadweakened it sufficiently for one of his smaller attackers to capture some landfrom it, but the province remained a dangerous threat.



shadow mhail's(province of the kingdom of Creeping Darkness (14:48)) attacks on Sworn todestruction (medium dwarf) and Critic (small Halfling) of Hades Legions hadn'taccomplished much as far as making the kingdom of Hades Legions surrender. Hecouldn't understand. shadow mhail had almost destroyed Hollow Dogs, Then,instead of finishing them off, his troops returned home followed by makingthose two useless attacks, and hadn't done anything since. He would have totalk to the king of Creeping Darkness and find out what was going on. 



All of the above is hard to follow  




 


Isn’t there a way you could simplify the wholeaffair. 




 


Instead of using all those legalisticdescriptors,  you could use more genericdescriptors, o at least leave out some of the words. 




 


I think the message is that despite a lot of fuss,not much has changed, and   the polittitiansdon’t know why. That sounds familiar. 




 


Several otheroutside provinces had attacked the original monarch of Hades Legions helpingthem reduce it to rubble, but he had not surrendered. When Hades Legionsswitched monarchs, he felt sure it was to surrender. But, the new monarch hadsent a peace offering, and messaged asking him to accept. He had immediatelyfired back with a message suggesting that the new monarch surrender along with anot so veiled suggestion that he and his whole kingdom would be destroyed if hedidn't. When he didn't surrender, they had switched their attacks to the newmonarch. It hadn't taken long to render that province helpless as well. Theywould surely surrender now, he thought. But, a duck had walked onto the province of The Crystal Pond, and set uphousekeeping. It's not even a warrior duck. It's a blind female duck. Whatpossessed them to elect an inexperienced bird monarch? Now, what is it withthis duck. He and Fly had promptly sent a message to The Crystal Pond pointingout death was in her future if she didn't surrender. This was insane. Insteadof surrendering, she killed the dragon he sent. Then, she had the audacity togive a party for the kingdom with the meat, and give away choice parts. Atleast his thieves had gone and stolen what was left. The remaining dragon meatwas in his stores. Then, the duck ran away. Now, he had to convince hispartners that it was just a matter of time. All they had to do is keep thepressure on. Hades Legions had to be running out of rulers willing to bemonarch. Hadn't they seen what happened to the first two? What was in processof happening to this last one? I mean, the duck ran. It was just a matter oftime. Sure, they had held out longer than he expected. But, they had to beclose to the point of collapse. There was the matter of the dragon. How hadthat fowl killed it so quickly. Dragons weren't cheap, after all was done, hewas going to roast that feathered Queen. Now, he had to pump up the troops. Herose and headed out the door to his council room pausing a moment in front ofthe polished steal sheet on the wall to make sure his majestic, royal attirewas suitably impressive.




 


In The CouncilChamber




 


All eyes turned tothe doorway as it opened to admit King Almero. Stepping in, he looked aroundthe room at each face, making eye contact. Their clear trepidation at hispresence was immensely satisfying. “It is always better to have people fear yourather than love you if you can't have both,” he heard his father's words echoin his memory.




 


“I have beenreviewing the data for the enemy. They are weak and scared. They elected athird monarch. A new comer to the kingdom. It is an inexperienced avianaccording to reports. Killing our dragon was clearly an accident. Rumer has itthat she has run away. That will delay the surrender. They will need to elect anew monarch as soon as they admit this one is gone for good. We must keep thepressure on. Contact your friends outside the kingdom and make sure they waitfor your attack so we get the larger chunk of land. I noticed some attacks ontheir non warrior provinces. That is a wasted attack. We must weaken theirattackers to destroy their ability to fight. 




 


“That wretchedwizard is scaring my troops and his thieves are stealing me blind. I had to dosomething,” complained the undead ruler of gotar .




 


King Almeroslammed his fist down on the council table. “Don't do it again. You wereattacked immediately after and lost land. Your little revenge cost us momentum.There will be plenty of time after the peace to take your revenge.




 


“I agree with theruler of Gotar,” said the dwarf ruler of The Land of Darkness. “After thesurrender, we will be blocked from further attacks.”




 


“We will get morethan we lose from the surrender,” insisted King Almero. He looked around theroom. He was losing them. The war had gone on longer than expected. “The kingdom of Creeping Darkness is backing us. “And,”he added, his face turning dark and threatening, “they will be more thanwilling to take care of any province that fails to follow orders.”




 


Eyes looked away.He could see some swallow hard. All but Fly. The big Halfling who had beenexploring, his face expressionless, continued to look him in the eye. KingAlmero turned his gaze on the big avian. “Sir Taran of Spielburg of Achlamarsitting to the right of Sir Fly. “how long before you are ready to join thebattle?”




 


“It's hard tosay,” said Sir Taran. “There thieves and wizards are killing my troops, androbbing my resources faster than I can use them. It would be of help to me ifsome of our attackers could massacre their underground element. It would giveme a chance to build up. As it is, I'm just barely maintaining the troops Ihave. I'm not able to get ahead.”




 


King Almero knewhe was going to have to get rid of Sir Taran, But for now, he needed him. Hewas his biggest attacker. But, Taran had been a monarch in another kingdombefore coming to Silent Enigma. Fly had been the former monarch of SilentEnigma, but had stepped down when King Almero. expressed a desire to bemonarch. Fly had supported him, and encouraged the other rulers to vote forhim. As soon as this business was over, he resolved to speak to CreepingDarkness about helping him remove both of them.



to be continued




 

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