[Critique Group 1] March 2019 Critiques

[Deanna Noriega]

3-28-2019

 

Leonard,

Whimsical, Makes me think of the discussions we have on our group critique
sessions when Marcia keeps trying to teach us to be sparing with our words
and consider how to make the stronger, more concise, their meaning.

In the phrase, (than say "go" and take control. I think you mean (then, say
"go" 

 

Sally,

I didn't like the word polish as it is confusing. You didn't bring her a
figurine of a dog to dust,. I would use something like (to brighten.)

In the next line (the dullness of a nursing home routine, I would change
routine to (room.)

I would end the next line after remind,

I would break the line after garden

Before the mention of each new dog, I would begin a new line with a - as you
did the first.

So that means you should end the line after garden,

 --  

I would end the line after the period following before she died. And begin
the new line with

As I held her waif-like hand.

I especially like the last line about having brought you both a dog.

 

Marcia

Opposing Realities

Well written as usual. You made a clear explanation of the choices you made
and why. There was no defensiveness. In the line, My active child was
staffed into a Head start preschool, staffed doesn't seem to fit. Did you
mean stuffed, or placed?

In the line, That seem evidence to the teacher and me, I think you have a
typo and left out an ed since it scans bettor as seemed.

In the line, As my girl reach puberty, another instance of a left out ed.

Finally, in the last line, I don't think you forced her to climb that pill
mountain. I feel it would be more accurate to say 

:

A safe way to descend from the pill mountain medical experts had forced us
to climb.

Thoughtful, piece describing the dilemma parents are trapped in when they
are struggling with a desire to help and given popular answers that may lack
sufficient data yet to determine what protocols to follow. If it were today,
it would be cannabis oil.

 

Cleora

Cristal Pond, is this the way you have spelled it throught? Should it be
spelled Crystal Pond?

Now she and trasshopper come to a terrible end? Or perhaps come to the end
of their joint adventure.

The broken visor laying on the left between her head and a ccrystal ball.
Perhaps, lying between her and a crystal ball.

This for the most part, went forward with greater speed and kept moving. If
you can increasing the tempo by removing unnecessary lines of description of
locales, it might work even better to make the reader feel her desperate
efforts to escape.

 

 

Good work everyone!

DeAnna

 

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