[Critique Group 1] cleora's notes for May

[sitting.duck at springmail.com]

[comments for DeAnna
My first reaction was to think back over all the other chapters.
First, I have learned what it is like, and What is involved in having a guide dog?
Second, I have learned that each guide dog is different, and what to expect from a guide dog.
third what is involved in training and getting a guide dog.
I learned how you interacted and learned from each one,
how you balanced being a firm handler, with being and loving dog owner.
Through the chapters, , 
We have watched a courageous but shaky DeAnna take her first uncertain steps into the world with a rambunctious Tammy.
We have watched her fall in love and get married; 
go to a foreign land and deal with people who have other ideas and customs; 
raise a family; 
hold down a job; and 
grow into a mature and amazing senior care giver for her husband.
We have seen how each guide dog has enriched her life and left her with joys and sorrows.
Looking back, I want the Story to be about this amazing woman,
and how the dogs guided her along this journey both physically and emotionally.
What an amazing work.
It is hard to see it end.
specifics about this chapter
Enzo
By this point in the book, We have seen you grow from an inexperienced to an experienced handler.
Enzo is out of luck if he thinks he's going to get away with anything.
The line, If my dogs could talk, they might explain their careers like this:
instead of like this:
use with the following poem:
in the line, And to also look up.
leave out the word "to"

[comments for Marsha
At the start, I have the idea that these are new born kittens.
Kittens and dogs are born premature. The eyes are sealed at birth.
They are totally blind.
eyes begin to open about day 4 or 5 and will be completely open by day 7.
If something happened to the mother, say about day 4 or 5, and now they are orphaned, that is a different story.
The barn lady doesn't seem to know much about caring for new born animals of this type.
The adjective "barn" implies she does. I would drop it.
Probably the kittens died of dehydration. His being a runt may have been waht saved him.
Since the care of the kittens doesn't seem to be a crusial part of the story, I didn't include the information on how I took care of a orphaned puppy.
If you want it, let me know, I will be happy to send it along.
Why not start with the kitten when he is the only surviver and starts exploring.
Perhaps he could be thinking something like
"I am the only one left. They call me a runt. I guess that means I'm the last one or only one left."
And go on from there to begin the contact with the sad lady that, I assume, eventually takes him away when she leaves to go to relatives.
We need something to help us estimate how old the kitten is and how long it is from event to event.
I think this new born kitten is incredibly wise and experienced about humans. Not very believable.
I would expect a learning period from such a creature, and some reasonable misunderstandings.
Oh, after washing she's all fluffy and furry. So she was dirty?
Fell on her head getting out of the litter box?
What a clumsy cat.
I thought cats always landed on their feet.
Was either of the ladies there to see this? What did they do?
Oh, the lady has been moping around for 3 months.
does that mean the kitten is 3 months old?
Neglecting the possibility that this story comes from real life experience, I must say it is not believable.
Well, of course, I now know this is drawn from a terrible experience you had.
I think it is ok to make up some of the events to fill in what you don't remember clearly. Memory, they tell us, is not perfect after all.
I look forward to the rest of the story.

[comments for Leonard
porch lights, which I can do from 
I would leave out "which I can do" 
second trip down the stairs went much faster than my first trip. 
trip used twice close together
Dont think reference to "than my first trip" is needed at all.
Do we have any reason to believe it is a male bear?
I don't understand why a bear would be interested in a bird feeder. 
I didn't know whaht a suet cage was.
You might want to include a description for other readers that don't know. 
I don't feel any emotion from it.
I do get a little concern about a black bear being around.
But that's it.