[Critique Group 1] Leonard's comments for Sally's piece re: July

[tuchyner5 at aol.com]

Powrful piece.   



Written with your usual directness andsimplicity. See comments below.                                TWO VIGILS



 



                                               By Sally Rosenthal



 



 



Vendingmachine coffee,



I like this beginning. It brins the readerinto the scene and gradually paints it. 



Bitterand now lukewarm,



Sitsneglected in the stark light



Stark light is really good.



Ofthe intensive care unit’s



This line brings everything into focus, 



except that I was confused at this point asto how   there were 2 emergency rooms. Upto now you are talking about one. 



Of course, further down it becomes clear.



Timewarp and uncertainty.



I’m asuming that time warp means thesubjective experience of the passage of time is warped.



 



Familymembers, as one, crane necks



Asswinging doors open and



Strainto hear awaited news



Strong description. Right on.



Fromanyone passing in white.



 



Beyondtired, this small clutch of



Relativesperch on unyielding plastic,



Unyielding plastic brings in a strong tactilepart of the experience, 



and everyone without a lot of bottompadding has the experience to know what you are talking about.



Unitedin love and anxiety, 



Notunlike my family days before 



In Awaiting room far away.



These last few lines is the first mentionof the other waiting room.



 



Thisfamily, not mine, will end



Itsvigil in joy, grateful for



Thegift of life my husband’s liver



Hasbestowed upon someone they love.



In these last few lines, the picturestraightens and this reader gets the whole picture.  There is a strong contrast now betweenthe  two scenes that are very different,yet related.  



If I didn’t know the history beforereading this piece  the suddenenlightenment would have been like the splash of ice water.  



I know from other communication  with you that you have a very good feeling about the transaction. 



However, I am not sure that other readerswithout the foreknowlegge would know how you, the writer, feels about it. 



This is not a bad thing.  It would give material for great discussions.



  



 


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