[Critique Group 1] Sally's April comments in case I don't make tonight's call

[Sally Rosenthal]

Hi, everyone, I am sending my April comments below in case I am not on
tonight's call.  My mother-in-law, according to the hospice nurse, will
probably die within the next 24 to 48 hours.  So, depending on the time and
what we need to do and where we need to be, I might not be home tonight.  I
hope I will be, though. Thanks for your understanding. 

Sally's April comments:

Marcia:  This is one of the funniest descriptions of what living with
blindness is really like that I have read.  Having encountered all of the
same obstacles and problems, I, and all blind women, can relate.  There is
nothing I would change in this piece, but I might suggest carrying some
individually-wrapped hand sanitisers in a pocket.  My only suggestion would
be changing the title to match the gender since only a ladies' room is being
described.  Get this published!

DeAnna:  I read your submission twice yesterday and now find that it has
vanished from my computer.  Do we have poltergeists this month?  So, I am
working from memory here.  Like Marcia's submission, this has two very, very
funny parts of which I would change nothing: the opening conversation with
your dog and the skit at The Seeing Eye.  Both parts showed a deep
understanding of the human-animal bond and of dogs' daily lives.  Since I
have been home-trained with all three of my dogs, I don't have a frame of
reference for the training journal except to say that it doesn't sound easy
and that it might be harder this time than when you trained with previous
dogs.  I don't know if this is due to age or the specific dog.

Cleora:  This chapter moves more quickly than earlier chapters.  In the
sentence "The archer that shot her," "that" should be "who", "ever" is
unnecessary, "him and Grasshopper" should be "Grasshopper and him."  Change
the sentence structure so that the sentence doesn't end with "with."  Take
"sure" out of the next sentence since it isn't needed.  You write that
Sitting's claws get caught on the elf's coat, but do ducks have claws?
Would her webbed feet do the same or just slide down?  You mentioned at the
beginning of this chapter that there would finally be some answers.  I think
you do a good job of supplying information pertinent to the coming answers,
but the reader, like Sitting, leaves this chapter with more questions and no
real answers.

Leonard:  I love this poem.  The Persephone imagery and theme is so well
drawn.  I thought she had more to do with harvests and planting crops until
I did some research and found she dealt with all vegetation.  Some
suggestions: The title seems a little bland; is there a way to incorporate
the Persephone aspect into it?  "Mardi gras" is out of place here.  It means
"fat Tuesday" and refers to the day before Ash Wednesday when all the
household fat was traditionally used up before the beginning of Lent.  This
occurs in February or March, so you are mixing times of the year and trying
to mix Christianity with Greek mythology.  The Leaves mention their "dry
bones" This is a nice image, but leaves are vegetation and have no bones.

 

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