[Critique Group 1] OOps I forgot to send in my comments. First is for Cleora

[tuchyner5 at aol.com]

Ilike  the story, once it gets to the partwhere Grasshopper and Sitting are talking about leaving and on to the end ofthe chapter. I thought there was too much detail in going through those longnamed kingdoms and the people in them. Too much trivia for my mind to hold onto.  The chapter ends in a very goodplace. Is the cricket out of the picture having been eaten? Does Sitting evencare, since now she has a way of seeing without him. If she leaves the magickingdoms, will she retain her new vision? Stay tuned.




 



 


about the races.



I thought about this some. at first I thoughtmaybe species instead, but I really didn't like that very much. Type might fit.



I mainly want to distinguish the differentprovinces as being made up of different types of creatures that work togetherin spite of their different way of life and background. Each province hasdifferent types of creatures that have things in common.



Avian would be made up of creatures that canfly and live in or near the water. Thus the fish, and the insects, except forthe ants.



For the undead - Regis is a vampire. Hisprovince might be made up of skeletons, zombies, and ghouls.



Halflings would have slightly deformed beingssuch as half-giants and dwarves some might be spearmen



faeries are fliers and magical. so theirprovince would be creatures that are magicians and  beastmastersregardless of their form.




 


one change 



dog breath is now dickerbauch rundenase(because he is a short stocky dwarf with a rounded nose 




 


The story so far.




 


Sitting Duck, a visually impaired fowl whofinds it difficult to do duck like things because of her poor sight, befriendeda cripple grasshopper on her way walking south for the winter.



Grasshopper rides on top of her head andhelps her by seeing for her.



During their journey, they come across aCrystal Pond. It turns out this body of water and crumbling castle are theruins of a province formerly ruled by a human warrior


   
    
   - I don’t remember anything about  human’s having been the rulers.   


    
   - When you say “Her presendce” I don’t know whether “Her” refers to the duck or the previous human ruler.   




 


. Her presence is quickly detected and sheand grasshopper find themselves caught up in the drama of a kingdom made up ofseveral provinces, each run by a different type of creature.



At a meeting, Sitting is elected Monarch ofthe realm, and now must solve the problem of the enemy kingdom, Silent Enigma,that is bent on taking over the kingdom or destroying it if they don'tsurrender.



In our last episode, Sitting gained therespect of the other rulers by defeating the dragon sent by the enemy kingdomas well as the army sent against her province.



But, what if she fails? Will the other rulersturn on her? Does she have what it takes to rule a province and save a kingdom?



A feast was held to celebrate the killing ofthe dragon, and she learned much from the rulers that attended the party.



She has just been awakened by the Queen Beewho brings urgent information about what has been happening.




 


1208 words



Part Five



Bad to Worse




 


"Yesterday, late, We received a shipmentof 4183 Runes from Dark Legion in the kingdom of Hades Legions(1:48).



"We also received a shipment of 1,000bushels from the Flatulent Legion in the kingdom of Hades Legions



"You already know about our victoryagainst the Forces from gotar in the kingdom of Silent Enigma. We havebeen able to utilize many of the spoils captured in that battle. We werewondering what you would like to do with the horses since we have no need forthem.



"during the night, we received a totalof 100,000 Gold Coins, 2,000 soldiers, 277 Runes, and 50,000 bushels of grainfrom various members of the kingdom.



"May 4th We detected five spell attemptsby Achlamar of Silent Enigma, causing trouble on our lands! To the best of ourknowledge, all attempts failed.



"Enemy thieves came during the night andstole half of our stores including all the left over dragon meat before wecaught them. One of them talked. They were from Mroaden of Silent Enigma. 



"It appears that Mroaden of SilentEnigma may also be responsible for the vermin eating away our remaining foodsupply. 



"We think Fens of Silent Enigma wasresponsible for two fireballs which burned several acres of land and killed 989peasants.



"The school of fish created a mightyhurricane to smother the flames. I regret to report that the lead fish andseveral hundred of her subjects died in the operation.



"We detected two spell attempts byFarius of Silent Enigma. We believe he is responsible for a storm that isdestroying our crops.



"We contacted Dark Merlin. He wasn'table to negate the storm spell, but he did manage to cast fertile lands on ourprovince. This should help to negate the effect of the storms.




 


Whatdo you mean by cast  fertile lands?




 


"That is the news since my liegeretired.



"Also, the CBM is beeping. You have anurgent message.”




 


“Thank you,” Sitting said, as she came outfrom under the bed. Grasshopper took up his position, and they made their wayto the control room.




 


Indeed, the crystal ball was blinking andemitting a chiming noise. Walking over to it, she stroked the base with the tipof her wing.




 


“You have 5 messages, my liege. Three arenew."




 


“Read message one.”




 


"On April 24, at 15:00 we received thisnote.



To the Honorable Queen Sitting Duck



Please attend a meeting at my castle thisafternoon to discuss what to do about Silent Enigma.



Signed, Sir Dragon of Legacy of Dragons inthe kingdom of Hades Legions."




 


“That must be about yesterday's meeting. Readnumber two.”




 


"On May 1, YR2 at 4:00 we received thisnote...



To The Honorable Queen Sitting Duck



A Queen after 2 kings?



It looks like your kingdom doesn't know whatto do.... As you might have noticed, we're even getting bigger than you, andthe war meter hardly changes....




 


Whatis a war meter?




 


I'll give you some advice as a former king: Hitthat surrender button! It's better for your health, and that of your kingdom!



Signed, Sir Fly the Rogue of Farius in the kingdom of Silent Enigma "




 


“You have one more new message.”




 


“Read it.”




 


"On May 8th, YR2, we received thisnote...



To The Honorable Queen Sitting Duck,



At the moment we are 'building up' 2 of ourcore attackers. If you don't want to be razed to the ground, along with yourKD, surrender.




 


Whatis a KD?




 


Signed, The Humble Sir Taran of Spielburg ofAchlamar in the kingdom of Silent Enigma "




 


Sitting recognized the names of two of themessages as being from enemy provinces in the report from Queen Bee. 



She hopped down from the chair and waddledover to the window. When she pushed open the shutters, A thick smell of smokecame through the window on the light breeze, making her cough. 



“The once beautiful forest with its tallgreen trees is now mostly chard barren smoldering sticks,” said grasshopper.“The pond is littered with ash and bodies of dead fish.” 




 


“And, The stores from the aid, battle, anddragon are gone," Sitting said mournfully. “With the carrier Dark Merlinmade, we could just fly away. You could pull the visor down, and we would beinvisible. No one would see us leave. We could just go the same way we came.”




 


"We could do that," saidgrasshopper.




 


"Come to think of it, how did we gethere, anyway? Did you see anything different to show we were crossing into adifferent world?"




 


Grasshopper said nothing.




 


"Do you think we could get out the sameway? Could we fly south until we got out?” 




 


Grasshopper said nothing.




 


But, she thought, what about the people here?They were depending on her. They had sent her aid. They had helped herunderstand about the land. Unlike her family who had abandoned her when shecouldn't keep up, they had helped her. At home, the other ducks had oftensnatched up food before she could get to it. But, if she stayed, would shesurvive? Would she be able to live up to their faith in her? What if shedidn't? Would they turn on her then?



She turned toward the door to go down to thepond.




 


“Why don't we try flying down?" askedgrasshopper.




 


Sitting stopped, and turned back to thewindow. It was large enough for her to go through. She considered the idea.“Okay,” she said, hopping up on the sill. Spreading her wings, she launchedherself into the air as grasshopper raised the shield on the carrier.



Instantly, her vision sharpened. She was ableto see the pond and the destruction around her land. For the first time in herlife, she experienced what it was like to see clearly. She flew directly 




 



 


Wasthe shield supossed to do that for her vision? 




 


for the bank of the pond. Her bill droppedopen as she twisted her head first one way and the other looking at everything.“I can see.” Fascinated she started looking all around. The edges of thecharred trees were sharp and clear. She could even make out the forms of thedead fish floating on the surface of the pond. Then she looked up at theclouds. They were so fluffy and light.




 


Grasshopper shifted his position to lookaround the edge of the shield refocusing on the pond.



“Look out!” 




 


Sitting snapped her head forward which causedgrasshopper to be looking to the side instead of at the pond. Grasshoppershifted to face forward again in time to see the bank of the pond coming up toquickly for them to avoid a clumsy three point landing. Sitting’s webbed feetcollided with the ground. The point of her bill struck the ground and sankhalfway down into the soft dirt. A small divot of dirt flew into the air as herfeet skidded and she flipped over landing on her back in the muddy edge of thepond. 



“Oomph,” said Sitting, rolling over, shakingout her feathers, and staring stunned at nothing in particular.




 


On impact, grasshopper shot out of thecarrier and flipping over, landed tail first in the mouth of a fish that pokedits head up at that moment.




 


“Help!” yelled grasshopper. “I'm beingeaten.”



To be continued




 


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