[Critique Group 1] comts for 10/25/17 session from cleora

[sitting.duck at springmail.com]

Sally,
I realized that I should have your email on the message you sent with your piece attached, and if I attach it to the comments, everyone will get it again.
So, rather than attach my piece to the comments, I'm going to try to send it just to you. Let me know if you don't get it and I will put it in a reply to your message.

[comments for Marsha
We missed you last night. I hope your mother is doing well.
If I could write half as well as you do when you are under stress, I would be a better writer.
I love the reference to signing away your right to come back and haunt anyone.
I didn't know you couldn't talk on the way down. I was thinking that, like deep sea divers, ski divers had gestures they used to communicate.
Maybe you could describe a little what is meant by "stabilizing".
I wondered about the instructions to tuck bump & pop on hitting the ground. 
Is this maybe after your partner had already landed and you are just putting your legs down?
Toward the end, I started to wonder how the people you are jumping with feel. Is this just a job for them, or do they feel the same thrill each time they jump?

[comments for Sally
This reads like a rough draft. You are getting down all the things you want to say, now it is time to economize on how you are going to say it.
I think I would put "complications of retinopathy of prematurity" with the previous sentence where you mention the two decades in which your vision slipped away
It's probably not necessary to mention being a lifelong dog lover. I think it is safe to assume that People who take in mutts and rescue dogs are dog lovers.
A dog kept you company during the 2 decades your vision slipped away due to complications of retinopathy of prematurity, 
Not one of the many ordinary mutts and rescued dogs that had been a part of my world all my life, but when I began losing my sight in my late twenties, the dog by my side was a guide dog I could almost touch.
 Actually, I'm not sure knowing that you had always had dogs as pets is very important to the story. Again, this is redundant. It is clear that you are a dog lover and probably always had dogs.
This spot seems a good place to give the dog's name.
There is a lot of information about the misfortunes you and your husband have suffered over a lifetime. 
How much of this information is relevant to Lawrence, and how much could be revealed in the body of the work?
Consider that if you tell everything in the introduction, why should the reader continue.
I like your plan of revealing your progressive health challenges along the way to show how we go from being able to being unable as we grow older.

[comments for Deanna
I didn't know what a French Knot was 
I'm still not clear on how this was attached to the garment so you could get the information but it wouldn't be visible to a sighted person.
I appreciate how your mother impressed on you that appearance is important.
I have seen so many blind people who look dowdy and unkempt. I can't imagine how their families don't make an effort to make sure they look good when they go out in public.
The opening about no outfit being complete without a few dog hairs is amusing and catches the reader’s attention.
I would skip to the description of lab coats and the shedding twice a year.
Then talk about daily brushing and grooming helping but not controlling it completely.
I think the mention of a large family, and the money problems detract from the main focus of the piece.
Since this is a part of a larger work, the reader probably already knows these facts. Even if not, I don't think it is needed here.
You will imply it when you talk about making your own clothes and shopping at Good Will.
The only thing your favorite color being red has to do with anything is that black lab hairs will be more visible to sighted people.
The other reasons: the practical aspect of walking in all types of weather and  being modest when bending or kneeling to address duties associated with your dog are, I think, of primary interest.
Maybe the vacuum cleaner hurt her ears.
Then again, I have been around animals quite a bit and loud noises do seem to disturb them in general.
With horses, I used to start the device and then bring the horse closer a little at a time and let it examine the noisy beast.
Eventually, they would relax and ignore it for the most part.

[Comments for Leonard
are you saying you leave Barney's contributions?
Here where I live, it is a city ordinance for people to pick up their pet’s deposits.
The area you are walking in wasn't clear to me. You mentioned you live on a street that deadens. I pictured you and the dog walking along a sidewalk and the dog picking a place on the grass or dirt to do his business.
the sentence
One reason why Diane, my wife, 
I would suggest leaving  out the words "one reason" and change it to more active voice 
example
My wife Diane walks our larger dog Chloe who can be counted on 
About the neighbor who doesn't get it.
Maybe an alternative to walking up to you could be for him to speak first. That way, you will hear and recognize him and speak back.
If everyone wants to be spoken to first then no one will ever speak.
The reader and your neighbor may not recognize that you probably heard the car. But, why do you wave to these unknown people who don't necessarily belong on the street and not him?
Maybe you could smile and wave at your neighbor’s house every time you come out. That way, if he is there he gets smiled and waved at.
at the end
back at home-safe-home,  
I read this several times and it wasn't until I read it word by word that I heard the hyphen in safe home
This is awkward to me. I would say arrive safe at home.
This seems to be about your walks with Barney
The title declares that Barmy is not a guide dog.
You talk about your interaction and the dog's interaction with other people. You even talk about your wife’s adventures with the other dog.
What is it you want the reader to take away at the end?