[Critique Group 1] Mary-Jo's Comments for July 19

[Mary-Jo Lord]

July Small Group Comments for July 19

 

# The Saga Of Kofi

Kevin

Stomp, skipping, energetic feet

Stomping?

 

pretended  total oblivion to the things engendered  

There is an extra space between pretended and total.

 

He just loved to pound-tap-slap  those resonating skins,

There is an extra space between slap and those.

 

"Lawd have mercy, dat boy's gonna make his mamma and daddy sho  nuff proud!"

An extra space between sho and nuff.

 

I love the way that you use words and language. The rhythm of the poem fits
the music and story with the fast pace when Kofi is playing. The poem slows
down when the poem tells how people remember Kofi. There are many varied
line lengths, but I think this happened when it was sent by email. Many of
us have had that issue, especially with poetry.

 

# Well Wishing

Cleora

 

I like the way that you played with the words in the title and chose "Well
Wishing" rather than "Wishing Well."

 

Good use of dialogue without "he said" and "she said."

 

"Umm, that's nice." more shifting.  

More needs a capital M.

 

"I need something to light the way.  

You need a closing quotation mark.

 

"If I say no, you'll suddenly have a headache I suppose," he said coldly.  

The woman having a headache is almost a cliché, but with this guy, I think
it works.

 

she finished getting ready for bed and slid under the covers. 

You need a capital s for she.

 

"Good night," he said.  

Maybe something like he mumbled a disinterested "goodnight." Maybe she could
be stifling a yawn as she says "goodnight." It's up to you. You could leave
that as it is or add something to his or her "goodnight" but not both.

 

She rolled over with her back to Ray  and went to sleep.  

There is an extra space between Ray and and.

 

"Who are you and what have you done with my husband?" she thought.  

Thoughts aren't in quotation marks.

 

After all, she was getting what she wanted. Sort of.

Maybe a comma before sort of rather than a period.

 

"watch what you’re doing. What if you had broken the lantern my first time
to use it."

You need a capital w on watch. The second sentence needs a question mark.
The second sentence is worded funny, but Ray is who he is, so he probably
would talk that way.

 

"Why didn't you just let me use it and go on to work like a responsible
person," she thought but knew better than to say.

Again, thoughts don't have quotation marks.

 

At the bottom she could read the words. 

 

"Make a wish."

This should be:

At the bottom she could read the words,  "Make a wish."

 

I like the character development of this story. Mary is submissive yet she
has a spark of adventure and desire for something better. Ray is an easy,
unlikable villain. I like the way the story takes a turn into a supernatural
element at the wishing well when the water changes and Ray is replaced with
a little boy. It's an interesting point that the way to Make Ray loving was
to turn him into a little boy.

 

# Finding the Words

Marcia

 

You did a great job of describing writer's block and the way life and the
computer distracts us from writing or doing a planned task.

 

I like the way that you use language and keep the theme of blooms and
hummingbirds throughout the piece. The way that you use both of these words
as metaphors for events in your life works well. I love this piece.

 

# Misadventures in Morristown

Deanna

 

“I can’t see you more than six feet ahead in this stuff.”  Unfortunately for
him, his glasses didn't come equipped with windshield wipers.

There is an extra space between the sentences.

 

Hitting the air-conditioned air inside can cause them to catch cold.”  Back
in our room,  

There is an extra space at the end of the quoted sentence. I wonder if you
might want "Back in our room," to start a new paragraph.

 

She snorted with pleasure and rubbed her face into the terry cloth in
delight.   If it wasn’t raining any longer, when I took her out to relieve
her, she dashed back and forth splashing through the deepest puddles she
could find requiring me to dry her, when we went back inside the building!


There are some extra spaces between the two sentences.

The second sentence is awkward and needs to be reworded. maybe:

When I took her out to relieve her, if it wasn’t raining, she dashed back
and forth, splashing through the deepest puddles she could find, requiring
me to dry her when we went back inside!        

 

This paragraph has some tense and POV issues.

One of the nicest things about working with Mr. Boeke and all of the staff
at The Seeing Eye is that they always treat students, even young ones with
respect and courtesy.  They never talk patronizingly over your head or
assume you are mentally deficient just because you are blind. To people who
don’t know you as an individual, a blind person is either perceived as super
humanly remarkable or an object of pity.  It was so refreshing to be viewed
as just another young woman and neither saint nor sinner.  I felt that I was
being treated as an adult and full participant in forming the partnership
that a good dog guide and handler must be to be effective as a team.  

  

Maybe:

One of the nicest things about working with Mr. Boeke and all of the staff
at The Seeing Eye was that they always treated students, even young ones
with respect and courtesy.  They never talked patronizingly over our heads
or assumed we were mentally deficient just because we were blind. To people
who don’t know us as individuals, a blind person is either perceived as
super humanly remarkable or an object of pity.  It was so refreshing to be
viewed as just another young woman and neither saint nor sinner.  I felt
that I was being treated as an adult and full participant in forming the
partnership that a good dog guide and handler must be to be effective as a
team.  

 

“Is she blind?”  Mr. Boeke replied,

There is an extra space at the end of the quote.

 

Another paragraph with POV issues.

It might seem odd, but it isn’t performing daily living tasks that is the
hardest part of being blind.  There is usually a way to accomplish most
things independently.  It is often the rudeness of the general public that
is most wearing on the human spirit of a blind person.  By implication, a
waiter who asks your companion in a restaurant what you want instead of
asking you is indicating that he views you as incapable of choosing for
yourself. Sometimes, perfect strangers will feel free to ask very personal
questions that they would never ask a non-disabled person.  Other times they
will assume that your family has chosen your clothes, fixed your hair and
cares for all your needs.  The idea that you yourself might be a caregiver
never occurs to them. They are amazed that you can walk across a room alone
or brush your own teeth.  It can all be a bit hard to bear.     

     

Maybe:

 

It might seem odd, but it isn’t performing daily living tasks that is the
hardest part of being blind.  There is usually a way to accomplish most
things independently.  It is often the rudeness of the general public that
is most wearing on the human spirit of a blind person.  By implication, a
waiter who asks my companion in a restaurant what I want instead of asking
me is indicating that he views me as incapable of choosing for myself.
Sometimes, perfect strangers will feel free to ask very personal questions
that they would never ask a non-disabled person.  Other times they will
assume that my family has chosen my clothes, fixed my hair and cares for all
my needs.  The idea that I myself might be a caregiver never occurs to them.
They are amazed that I can walk across a room alone or brush my own teeth.
It can all be a bit hard to bear.     

 

You are right. This is all wearing.

 

Four times a day, we took our dogs outside and allowed them to circle around
us to find the right spot to relieve them

Themselves.

 

The instructor's prank is amusing. This definitely gives the reader a
feeling for what life was like training with a guide dog.

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