[Critique Group 1] December comments from Cleora

[sitting.duck at springmail.com]

[comments for sally
I feel the frustration of feeling there should be something that could be done but modern medicine seems to turn a disinterested attitude toward those past the age where a person is considered useful.
Also the frustration of wanting to reach out to him and help in some way but can find no way to do this.
So, is your focus his bitterness developed over the years?
Is it the hopelessness of his current situation?
Is it your own frustration and feeling of helplessness?
I hear your need to say something.
You are bringing out all three things. I think it would help the poem to zero in on one of the 3 at the end.
The poem leaves me feeling lost and empty as if there is something that needs to be said, but I don't know what it is.

[comments for Deanna 
You showed wisdom in deciding not to marry Bob as a solution to your problems.
When you are all getting ready for bed in the dark, you could mention this was easy for you since you always get dressed in the dark.
The part about Tammy being interested in two of the packages could be tightened up.
the crackle of paper gave her away and I would demand she return the plunder. One was a rawhide chew toy and the other a closet sachet filled with some kind of scented mixture of flowers and herbs for me.  I wonder if there is some kind of catnip equivalent for dogs.
I think her interest in the rawhide chew toy would clearly be her ability to smell it. The other is, indeed, a mystery. Your comparison to a catnip for dogs is an amusing speculation.
In the reference to the friends trying hard to make you feel at home, I think sharing some of the things they did, even if comical or not that helpful, would give the reader some ideas about what helps and what doesn't.
I loved the reference to the assembly line and dipping chocolate.
Even if their attempts to help were comical or not very helpful. This could help the reader to see what kinds of things are helpful while others are not.
The first read through, I noted that from the part where you talk about juggling classes to where you return to talking about Kirk should be deleted or moved to another place.
This part doesn't seem to fit in this chapter.
However, the second read through I didn't get that feeling.
Now, reading through again before sending these notes, I get the feeling it should be moved again.
I remember this professor that thought your writing was to cheerful from previous chapters. Does he need to be mentioned again here?
I have met some Native Americans that are bitter and resentful and perhaps this is where he gets the idea. It might be interesting to explore his attitude in a separate writing.
After this chapter is cold, you might want to read through and pay particular attention to this section.
The more we read the more we see how remarkable Tammy was.
I feel this is your best writing so far.

[comments for Marcia 
Q, x, y & z hum.
I listened for deterioration  of bones or discs in the back 
or deterioration  of joints.
Which is what happened to me from taking an anti-histamine. there are at least 3 that have this known side effect.
This piece spurs me to launch into one of my sermons about the evils of wester (modern) medicine.
but I will resist
I think the idea you want to convey is clear and the list is chilling.
I agree with Sally that maybe some suggestions for alternatives would be good. Maybe that would be a way to work in the unused letters.
The homeopathic formulas are a possibility offered by members of the integrative medicine community.
My personal experience is that the doctor often either doesn't know about the possible side effects or doesn't care.
I like the piece because I believe we need to take responsibility for educating ourselves as to potential harm from the drugs we take and ask the doctor about possible side effects, whether or not the risk is justifiable, and if there are alternative treatments.
I read an article earlier this year that mentioned that drugs where the doctor was taken out to lunch by the sales person get prescribed more often than drugs where the doctor is not given some kind of gift or incentive.
i.e. don't just take something because the doctor recommends it. Be sure you know what you are taking and what the risks are.

[comments for MaryJo 
LOL I did one with the letter z missing, but Abbie intercepted it and kept it from being posted to the list.
at first there are a lot of "m" words but as it progresses, there are more that don't have an "M"
when the insects and frogs are so loud,
could use some mosquitoes and marsh frogs
The conclusion "there wouldn't be me" is a nice touch. That sends it home.