[Critique Group 1] my critiques for 11/30/16 session

[sitting.duck at springmail.com]

Noting the comment that some made that when they received the initial email the format was ok but when they resent it the format got messed up.
I wonder if the program it was copied into is adding carriage returns to the text. I use notepad with wrapping turned off most of the time and I have noticed that when wrap is turned on, it will add carriage returns to the text that show up when I copy it to Word to do a spell check. Alas, once these carriage returns are added, the only way to get them out is to edit line by line and delete them.

Marilyn - roger the early years
I looked up the form and the Best I can tell, it followed the form correctly. 
It came across ok in the email.
When I read it watching for the form, it was better than when I just read it.
I didn’t know that Roger is your husband so I read it thinking it was about you.
I think there are too many words in lines 3 thru 6 of the first stanza 
In line 3 - replace to hold with for
line 4 - omit somehow
replace line 5 with Our greatest joy (or pastime) was to sing. Or singing if you  can make it work in the other stanzas.
line 6 - Next on the list was to eat.
I still smile every time I read this line.

next stanza
replace my mother with We
line 3 Did you maybe mean we'd pluck the chickens? As in killing and dressing them to eat? 
Insert then between chickens & stand
instead of that was church in line 6 use that's for 
Little changes like that. You said you wanted to keep an unpolished language so could just be a difference in the area I grew up in.

I get a picture of a family pulling together in tough times and.
There is a progression from children in a family to grown children with their own families which I like.
It is a nice poem.
<>end marilyn


Kate
I think there needs to be more sensory information.
how does she know Paulette's curls are bouncing.
is she making the s’mores over a camp fire or a fireplace.
How did she know the marshmallow caught on fire or fell off the fork.
It would be nice to experience Grace's internal struggle as she tries to do this and maybe some fear that mom may be right, but then a resolve to figure this out and do it.
how can she figure out if she has the marshmallow in the right place and over the fire?
it was cold when she touched it
is her mother nearby watching?
I'm glad Grace is given the freedom to try to do this on her own, but still I'm wondering why there isn't some guidance from someone sighted.
I don't understand how the skillet helped.
Since this is one in a series of stories about Grace, it may not fit to have Grace show growth and strengthened self confidence in this flashback.
Perhaps this could be an example to the grandkids why they should be willing to face challenges in their lives and not let something like a physical challenge stop them from doing something they want to do.
Sad to know you are leaving us. I hope things work out well for the future.
<>end Kate

DeAnna 
we don't know how long the list has been there. 
A torn envelope. Why would we pick this particular time in 30 years to look at something Dolly has discarded? Is there something else that causes her to suspect something is amiss and therefore prompts her to look at the list?
You have done a great job of creating Quite a mystery. The mind spins with possibilities. Has it gone too far? Maybe she should think about taking an extended trip, sell the house, and disappear?
Tremendous possibilities here.
I think it needs some kind of intro to explain why she is looking at this list with such trepidation, and then an ending to resolve the mystery rather than leaving the reader hanging.
I believe a story needs an ending that ties up the loose ends and expresses whatever point the author is trying to make.
<>end DeAnna 



Mary jo
It's cute. It caused me to remember some days that I’ve had like the different ones mentioned.
I think the idea of making whatever kind of day it is mine is a little vague.
I understand the restriction of being limited by you were taking an example and working an exercise. Now that you can do what you want with it, you could make some changes that would make the meaning stronger and more clear.
<>end Mary jo