[DECtalk] red dwarf season 7, episode 1!

[Tomi]

respected list,
I have completed the phoneimisation of the Red Dwarf play's season 7 episode
1. Will try to finish episode 2 tonight, but no promises... It's actually quite
tedious, as you can't really use a find and replace feature of a text editor
but rather, the scripts have to be consulted and changed line by line. Nevertheless, my goal is still to finish the whole of red dwarf in the near future. 
I am unable to paste the contents of the text file in this message, as the body cannot exceed 40 kb -- so I hope that it comes through as an attachment for everyone. I'm attaching it here because I know that several people have a copy of the archive, and I wish to ask that everyone update their mirrors with the upcoming files.
I will not be able to generate mp3s, as I'm on a 28.8 kbps connection -- at home -- something which uploading 4 mb mp3s would be a tragedy. Perhaps in the future. But if I'm going to start making mp3s, I'd also want to put in sound effects and background noises somehow, to make the episode more realistic.

With all do respect:
Tomi


---------
Tamas Geczy,
Official Hungarian translation coordinator for the free NVDA screen reader. If you wish to learn about the free screen reading product for blind/visually impaired pupels alike, visit www.nvda-project.org
member of the Orange Rust robotics team at Orange high School. 
beta testing projects are currently being performed for Microsoft, NVDA, X-sight-interactive,  and Code Factory. If you have any questions in regards to beta teams and how to participate in one, please don't hesitate to ask. Please note that I will not share with you valuable information which I'm not allowed to because of a non disclosure agreement or other such beta form. Discussions of piracy or other such illegal information will not be dealt with. 
---------
-------------- next part --------------

[:phone on]
Red dwarf, season 7, episode 1
Tikka to ride
[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245] Starbug. 


For the first time in RD history we have a full, pretitles teaser! [_<800>]

 From black, the screen fills with kaleidoscopic swirls which resolve into
 a picture of Lister, rotated 90 degrees]

(LISTER present, standing.) [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
 Hello?  Testing, 123.  Hello?

[:np] [:ra 245]
 
POV changes back to normal and we see LISTER examining a portable camera
 lying on its side on a bench.  He gives the camera two taps>
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]

  Yeess!  Well, here we go.
[:np] [:ra 245]
 LISTER picks up the camera and holds it out in front of him, pointing at
 his head.  He begins to walk through corridors>
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 101 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 10]
  Ships log... erm... one.  Ive decided to keep a journal of life on board
ship, and send it off in a probe. Since turning 28 I feel a new maturity
about myself  in fact I cant even remember the last time I tried to
urinate on Rimmer from the top of D deck no, wait a minute... Friday.  But
apart from that *one lapse*, maturitywise Im practically up there with Abe
Lincoln and Moses.
  Now, just recently we came across a craft, piloted by ourselves from 15
years into the future. We had a bit of an argument, and they attacked us.
See attached:
[_<400>]

[:NP]
LISTER taps buttons on the camera
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]

Cut to scenes from Out Of Time...

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Another lock!
[:np] [:ra 245]
The comms channel barks
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Incoming message...
[:np] [:ra 245]
The screen resolves to a picture of the Future Rimmer. Note that the tone before a person after this point represent that they are the future version of the character.

[:tone<1000,75>]
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
    Either you give us access to the data we require, or be prepared to
be blasted out of the sky...
[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Large script chunk edited out of TTR  the ultimatum, discussion and
 decision to fight; the Dwarfers succesful opening rounds and, as Lister
 fires the lasers, the first shot from the future crew which caused the
 feedback loop that detonated the panel in front of him, killing him
 instantly
[_<800>]

A second hit destroys Cats station, blasting him backwards to fall over
 Krytens panel
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Cat!!

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240] dead... but there may be a 
[:np] [:ra 245]
A third hit rocks the Bug, and the complex equipment behind Krytens head
 overloads and explodes.  Kryten slumps backwards, lifeless.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Kryten...  Kryten!
[:np] [:ra 245]
Rimmer, in soulconsuming shock, scrambles over to the motionless
 mechanoid, his hardlight hands grasping Krytens shoulders, unable or
 unwilling to accept the truth.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  There may be a *what*?  A way out of this?  Is *that* what you were gonna
say??  SSpeak, Kryten!  *How* can we change whats happening!
[:np] [:ra 245]
Through his despair, an idea hits Rimmer, but from his expression it is
 impossible to tell what he is thinking or feeling.  He turns and stumbles
 from the blasted cockpit into the Midsection, somehow remembering to pick
 up Listers bazookoid before kicking open the hatch and charging down to
 Starbugs lower levels.

 Through corridors he runs, the tortured ship shuddering and tearing itself
 apart around him.  A corridor section collapses and a huge bulkhead crashes
 down onto his hardlight back, but Rimmer is oblivious to the pain, one
 thought blotting out all consciousness, he *must* reach the Time Drive.

 Suddenly, hes standing in front of it.  Rimmer raises the bazookoid.
 Loads.  Fires.

 Incandescent light blasts from the ruptured drive, but our perspective
 shifts into space, where a streak of red fire ploughs into the battered
 ship.

 This time, no resistance remains.  Starbug loses its fragile grip on
 coherency and detonates utterly, with an explosion that matches a thousand
 Death Stars.  When the debris clears, and the light fades, Starbug is
 gone; there is no indication that there was ever anything there...
[_<1800>]
Cut back to Lister making his recording
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  We were no match; they killed us, and destroyed everything on board ship 
including the Time Drive, which meant there was no Time Drive for them to
have in the future, to bring back into the past, [to] destroy the future of
their past selves in the present.
  Put simply: by killing us they killed themselves, because once we were
dead it was impossible for us to become them in the future, and return in
time to kill ourselves in the past, even though it was the present.
[:np] [:ra 245]
As LISTERs speech draws to a close the camera begin to emit a buzzing
 noise.  Suddenly it hisses, throws out sparks and blows up.

Enter KRYTEN
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Oh smeg!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  Have you been trying to explain about our future selves *again*, sir??
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  I just thought Id give it one more go 

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]  Doh!  Thats the third camera this week! The machines just cant take it,
sir.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  But Im only trying to explain why Starbugs damaged, despite the
timeline being erased; cos this realitys unstable, and anomalies have
merged from both dimensions to cope with the paradox.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  Oh!  Garbled, confusing, and quite frankly duller than an inflight
magazine produced by Air Belgium!  Now just state our position and
explain were down on supplies.

[:np] [:ra 245]
Kryton leaves.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  All right!  All right!
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]

Starbug flies by a planet and its orbiting moon
[_<800>]
  A Starbug console room.

Camera crackles to life, showing LISTER
 present, seated in front of console

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  This is Dave Lister of the JMC transport vehicle Starbug.  Were down on
supplies; we need help.  Out.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Camera crackles off.  [_<800>]  Camera crackles on
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  By the way, were in space.  Passed a sort of reddy moon a couple of days
ago, coordinates enclosed.
[:np] [:ra 245]
LISTER taps at a keyboard, then holds up his fingers in an O shape
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Its about *that* shape. You cant miss it.


[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
4  Model shot of Starbug flying through space
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 101 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 10]

  Ships log, update: Friday, am.  The battle with our future selves has had
the most terrible consequences...
[_<880]
[:np] [:ra 245]
 Starbug sleeping quarters.

KRYTEN, LISTER present. Close twoshot.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 60 sr 30]
  Wiped out?  Kryten, man, they *cant* be...
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  Im afraid so, sir.  The laser cannon breached the main watertank and
flooded supply deck B. They didnt stand a chance.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Yeah, but surely 
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  There was *nothing* we could do to save them, sir.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  So, now weve got no poppadoms at all?

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]  No poppadoms, no curries, all the Indian food supplies have been totaled.
[:np] [:ra 245]
LISTER sags down, clutching his guitar for security
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Ill have to survive without them then...  Ill have salads.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]  Sir!  Youre in shock, you don't know what youre saying.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  After all its only curry.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]  Only curry?  The enormity of it hasnt sunk in  you must mourn, sir.
Dont you see?  You must mourn.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Curries...

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]  Ohhhh sirr, get it out!  Cry like a baby!

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  What am I gonna do?  Curry night was the one little beacon I had... made
me feel like a normal ordinary guy, not some sad freak stuck in deep space;
no woman, no hope, no curry.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]  Worse still, a choice of only two alcoholic beverages: Cinzano Bianco, or
advocat. Its a human tragedy!

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  No lager?

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]  Sir, there is nothing unmanly in howling like a hungry prairie dog.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  No lager!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
KRYTEN
  *All* the supplies on Bdeck were destroyed, sir. There wasn't even any
wreckage, no debris, zip.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  God... a few beers and a curry, it was the highlight of my week!

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]  I used to look forward to curry night too, sir. seeing your little face
all happy and smiling, come rain or shine wed always make time for curry
night. Every Friday.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Saturday.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]  Sunday.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Tuesday.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]  Wednesday.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Thursday.  Always the same meal: three poppadoms with mango chutney 

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]  Those little onions 

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Dill pickle 
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  That dayglow green mint sauce that just doesnt wash out 
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  The red stuff that noone knows what it is 
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  Then a shami kebab starter 
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Followed by a chicken vindaloo, kamikaze hot, with a fire extinguisher on
standby.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  And two scoops of kofi ice cream.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  And two indigestion tablets. 
[:np] [:ra 245]
LISTER sighs heavily
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Life without curry?  Its like Laurel without Hardy; the Lone Ranger
without... that Indian bloke.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  Perhaps, you could learn to love... pasta?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Pasta.  You sick?

[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Starbug flies between a planet and its orbiting moon>

[_<800>]
 Starbug cockpit. 

CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER present, at stations.  CAT and RIMMER each wear a black
 armband.

Enter LISTER

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  You know the news?  All the curry supplies have been destroyed.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  We heard.

  As a mark of respect, we thought on Sunday at 12 oclock we could have a
minutes flatulence.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Its nothing to you guys, is it? Its changing my life!

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]  Sirs  the altercation with our future selves caused dimensional anomalies
which have expanded the cargo deck by 212%!  We should ascertain that the
new structure is stable.


[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
ALL present.  They stand at the entrance to the nowenormous cargo deck B.
 Gently sloping, ridged walls bevel outwards then curl back in, rising to a
 ceiling that towers above them, effectively forming a huge, flatbottomed
 cylinder.  The back wall of the deck is an ethereal, corrugated blue
 construction, and the floor is lost in thick mist which rises to their
 knees.  They begin to walk slowly through the deck.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]  So let me get this straight: time has returned to the point before we
discovered the Time Drive, right?  So whats to stop us going back on board
the Gemini 12 and picking it up all over again?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  We have to avoid all forms of time travel; its the only way of breaking
our destiny line and ensuring we don't end up like our future selves.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Yeah, but surely we can use the Time Drive if were careful?  You know, if
we don't abuse it the way our future selves did?  You know, if were
sensible and mature.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  And do what?

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Go back in time to an Indian takeaway and order 500 curries.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  Sir, the scheme is irresponsible, moronic, and preposterous!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  All your hallmarks, bud!

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Look, one *really* big takeaway order once every two years and our
problems are over.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]  *Your* problems are over?  Our problems are just beginning.

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]  What about causality?  Interfering in the past no matter how minutely
always alters the present.  Cause, and effect!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 60 sr 30]
  Look, Im a curryaholic!  Ive only got two tastebuds that work, I *need*
*curry*.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  We cant afford to take any more chances. I say the Time Drive stays where
it is.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  You know Id rather wear sidewayspressed flares and a clipon polyester
tie than agree with goalpost head, but this time hes right.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Oh *okay*. Okay.

[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
  Somewhere within the newly expanded decks of Starbug. 

ALL enter, climbing down a ladder positioned in front of a huge, backlit
 convection fan, whose blades whirl lazily.  The Dwarfers begin to walk
 along another cylindrical corridor
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  Er, since that completes the Bdeck inspection, sirs, permission to
offline for the next twelve hours while I discard some old cache files?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  How come you need more memory?  Over the years, you've had more RAM than a
field of sheep!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  My head is littered with unnecessary information, sir.  The ability to
sing the Bay City Rollers greatest hits is no longer a priority.  For most
cultural purposes, crooning "Bye Bye Baby" is more than sufficient.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  This clean up thing  how does it work exactly?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  I simply attach my RAM to the ships computer and download the unwanted
files into its trashfile.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Your RAMs in your head, isnt it?  So you wont actually be using your
body, then?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  Why do you ask?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Just interested.  Robotics, its fascinating, isnt it.
[:np] [:ra 245]
ALL exit

[_<800>]
  Night. Starbug sleeping quarters. 

LISTER present.  His alarm suddenly warbles, and LISTER wakes and silences
 it.  Accompanied by tense Indiana Jonesstyle music, He quickly climbs
 out of bed and leaves

[_<800>]A Starbug console room. 
KRYTEN present, sitting comatose at a computer console; his head is
 connected to the console by a flexible spiraltwirled cord like that of a
 phone handset.  LISTER sneaks in, carrying a white plastic bag which he
 places on a desk. He then unscrews KRYTENs head, wire still attached, and
 sets it down, then unwraps the spare head he brought with him and and
 screws it on to KRYTENs body.  KRYTENs eyes pop open
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  My heavens  Im head head!
[:np] [:ra 245]
LISTER clamps a hand over KRYTENs mouth and pulls the chair away from the
 desk so that KRYTEN, his arms flailing as he is wheeled back, can see him

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Shh!  Its only temporary.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  I don't understand.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Look, I want to go back in time on a curry hunt.  Kryten said "no way";
what do *you* say?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  I cant go behind Krytens head; what would he say if he found out?  Its
deceitful, wrong, and dishonest.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Kryten pauses; glances around conspiratorially
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  Im in!  Those are emotions I have longed to experience, but first, you'll
have to override my guilt chip and disable my behaviour protocols.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Okay, show me how.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  Press the skull release catch behind my right ear.
[:np] [:ra 245]
LISTER flips up a panel of KRYTENs head and props it up like the bonnet of
 a car
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Okay, here we go...
[:np] [:ra 245]
SHOT: He eases out a black cylindrical unit and unclips a small piece from
 it, placing it in a kidney bowl.
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  My guilt chip.
  No behaviour protocols... just call me "bad ass"!!


[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Starbug does a fly by between two planets.


[_<800>]

RIMMER, CAT present, seated at the table; RIMMER engrossed with notes on a
 clipboard.  KRYTEN stands nearby, with an eggwhisk attachment plugged into
 his groinal socket.

Enter LISTER
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Hey, that smells good  whats for brekkie?
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  Waffles, sir!  Dripping in honey and jam, with three fried eggs on the
side, coated in cheese!  
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  That sounds about as healthy as jumping off a cliff!
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  Healthy?  Who cares??  Pork away!
[:np] [:ra 245]
KRYTEN punctuates this last with a pelvic thrust, then gyrates his hips
 from side to side until his dangling attachment has enough swing to reach
 his hand, whereupon he proceeds to whisk the three teas, liquid flying
 everywhere
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  So, um, Kryten  now that you've had time to think, what about that curry
hunt to the 22nd century?
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  Ooh, I meant to mention that, yes.  I overreacted yesterday; on
reflection, I think itd be quite safe.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Kryten takes out a small packet from his attachment belt
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  Safe?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  What about causality?
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  Causality?  Well, okay, you know, one event causes another, okay, but
sometimes, you just gotta say: "The laws of time and space? Who gives a
smeg!"
[:np] [:ra 245]
As LISTER begins to speak, KRYTEN takes what is obviously a ciggarette
 from the packet and lights up

  Okay, I think what Krytens trying to say is unkul
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  Youre smoking!
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  Oh, is my generator overheating again?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  A cigarette!
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  Do you want one?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Of course I don't want one!
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  Do you want me to go outside?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  I think what Krytens trying to say is that its okay to go back in time,
and order a small lakes worth of vindaloo to go. Isnt that right?
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  You bet your ass!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Okay, so lets navigate those unreality bubbles and do it!  Kryten, can I
have a word...
[:np] [:ra 245]
Exit LISTER, leading KRYTEN by the groinal attachment into...
[_<800>]

Starbug galley 

KRYTEN, LISTER enter

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  What is *wrong* with you?  You don't smoke, you never say "bet your ass",
and you never use your groinal attachment to stir anybodys tea!
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  I didnt get any error commands!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Because you've got no behaviour protocols, you {spanner?}  Now get a grip
or well be rumbled.
[:np] [:ra 245]
LISTER punctuates with KRYTENs egg whisk, of which KRYTEN gives a defiant
 spin
[_<400>]

Exit LISTER
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  So uptight!
[:np] [:ra 245]
KRYTEN picks up a Cinzano Bianco bottle and swigs down its contents

[_<800>]
 A corridor aboard the Gemini 12 
[_<400]
Enter KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, CAT, the latter two in space suits. They pick
 their way through a decaying and decrepit corridor.
[_<200]
KRYTEN leads the group, enthusiastically humming an inyourface type of
 song
[_<800>]
Exit KRYTEN
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  What is wrong with that demented Tonka toy now?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Hes got a bit of a bioglitch in his transponder calibrations.  Its only
temporary.

[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]
 Gemini Engine Room.
[_<800>]
They arrive in a small, boxshaped room. On the back wall is a big gash
 which offers a panoramic view of the planet around which the Gemini 12
 orbits.  A bank of machinery is fitted on another wall of the room

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Heyyy, Mr. Timedrive.
[:np] [:ra 245]
LISTER crosses to the machinery and pulls a piece out.
[_<400]
Somehow, probably the result of another interdimensional anomaly, the
 Time Drive has become a handheld unit, which LISTER now hands to KRYTEN.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Okay Kryten, we want the Taj Mahal Tandoori Restaurant behind the JMC
building in London.  Back table; quiet.
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  Ill need a moment to acquaint myself with the controls 
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  But you've used it before?
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  Have I?
[:np] [:ra 245]
KRYTEN receives a discreet thump from LISTER
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  Oh, yes, of course I have.  Sorry.  How stupid of me. <ahem>  Just
programming it now, matey boy.
[:np] [:ra 245]
KRYTEN taps buttons on the controller.
[_<800>]
 Day. Broadway in an American city 
[_<800>]
MONTAGE: Crowds pack the street and the surrouding buildings, cheering and
 waving, tickertape filling the air.  A large entourage is rolling down the
 street, police and security vehicles surrounding a black, opentop limo
 which has small flags fluttering from its fenders.  A welldressed man sits
 in the back seat with his attractive wife to his left, both waving at the
 crowds.
[_<800>]
 Scene cuts to a man, alone in a storeroom of some kind.  He has a gun; a
 highpower rifle, into which he loads a round.  He takes careful and steady
 aim at the man in the car, and looses two shots in quick succession.  Panic
 breaks out below; security men rush towards the limo, while the man quickly
 reloads.
[_<400]
 He aims his third shot, but just before he fires, four bolts of crackling
 red lightning coalesce into the forms of four people.  Two are dressed in
 silver space suits; one a strange chunky costume; the last in a
 comparitively normal uniform.

 One of the spacesuited figures steps back to catch his balance, knocking
 the gunman head first out of the window and sending his third shot wild.

 LISTER and CAT remove their helmets, ALL oblivious to the recently departed
 gunman.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Nice landing, Kryten  that was about as smooth as an Egyptian whiskey.
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  Apologies, sir, Im  ah, Im not sure what I did then.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  This isnt right, where are we?

[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]  Well, according to the Time Drive, the date is November the 22nd, 1963,
and were in the city of Dallas.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  How come?  Gimme that thing!
[:np] [:ra 245]
The gunman, who managed to grab the sill of the window while falling, is
 trying to climb back up.  SHOT of his fingertips inching over the sill
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  Ive always been a bit of a technical whiz when it comes to these kinds
of gizmos...
[:np] [:ra 245]
Cat bangs the drive off the open window which drops down and traps the
 gunmans fingers
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  Hmm, Dallas, 63  no doubt about it.
[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
Scene cuts to outside the building.

Sirens are wailing in the street below.  After freeing his
 fingers, the gunman climbs up onto the ledge and tries to raise the window
[_<800>]
Cut back inside.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Dallas?  Wasnt that that place where that American king got assassinated?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  JFK.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  No, it was John something  not Jeff Kay...
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  J  F  K, not Jeff Kay, you gimboid; like the airport.  I did a paper
on him at school.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  I wonder why anyone would want to name their kid after an airport?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  The airport was named *after* the president.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  All right!
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]
Scene again cuts to outside the building.
[_<800>]
 The gunman inches along the wall to the right of the
 jammed window, bending to try two more but failing to open them.  As he
 straightens up he almost loses his footing, and after calming himself he
 pulls some cable running along the wall under the windows and ties it
 around himself.
[_<800>]
Cut back to interior
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  Where did this gunman dude shoot from anyway?
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  Well, if my histochip serves me correctly, the gunmans location was in
the Texas Book Depository.
[:np] [:ra 245]
As CAT wanders away, KRYTEN suddenly does a double take as he notices the
 floor to ceiling piles of boxes stamped: Texas Book Depository.

[_<800>]
The gunman inches back past the jammed window towards a second open window
 further along, which is in the same room as the one the Dwarfers stand in

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  It was probably from this very window!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  What, do you reckon?
[:np] [:ra 245]
Lister opens the window that Lee Harvey Oswald shot from and peers out,
 just as Oswald climbs through the other window.  Lister notices the cable
 and tugs on it experimentally.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Hey, whats this?
  Hey, theres something on the end of this, giz a hand!  
[:np] [:ra 245]
Oblivious to the man just across the room from them, the Dwarfers tug on
 the cable, pulling Oswald back out of the window and Lister with him.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Pull, everyone, or Im in trouble!
[:np] [:ra 245]
The Dwarfers each take hold of the cable as in tugofwar, but they are
 still yanked forward.  Lister piles into the raised window panes, the
 others colliding with each other, and loses his grip on the cable.
 Unbeknown to the Dwarfers, Oswald falls five stories down to street level.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Hey, whats going on down there?  Whatre all those people doing gathered
around that giant pizza?
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  That is *not* a giant pizza, sir.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Its 8 foot across, man  don't you think thats giant?  What kind of
pizza house have you been going to?  The FatBastoria?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  Hey, look at this!
[:np] [:ra 245]
Cat has found the rifle dropped by Oswald.  The others seperate and Cat
 brings the rifle with him as he looks down at the street.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  I think we just pulled the gunman out of the window!
[:np] [:ra 245]
As the implications begin to sink in to the Dwarfers, the door to their
 room suddenly bursts open and two armed men, one a policeman, the other in
 a suit, charge in.
[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]
  FBI!  Drop the gun!

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  Dont shoot!
[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]
  Hands on heads!
[:np] [:ra 245]
LISTER, RIMMER and KRYTEN follow instructions, CAT however covers the much
more important groinal area
[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]
  You are hereby charged with the murder of Lee Harvey Oswald, who valiantly
tried to foil your attempt to assassinate the president.  Thanks to
Mr. Oswald, the president is alive but wounded.
[:np] [:ra 245]
They notice the time drive.
[:nh]  [:dv br 0 as 100 hs 90]
  What is that?  Some kind of weapon?  Kick it over here!
[:np] [:ra 245]
KRYTEN moves to comply, but instead deftly taps commands into the unit with
 his boot.  Red lightning carries their forms from where they, and after a
 moment of confusion, the two armed men level their guns and fire, bullets
 breezing through the recently vacated air with only milliseconds to spare.
 To the side of the astounded officers, a spacesuit helmet carelessly left
 on a box also crackles with lightning and disappears.  the officers
 succeeding only in slamming bullets into box which supported the helmet.
[_<800>]
 The perspective shifts.  Its the same room, but the FBI agent and the cop
 are gone.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Ohhhh!  Nice one, Kryts.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Where are we?
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  It says 1966, I must have prodded us forward three years.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  At least itll give us time to analyse the original error.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  Hey, theres nobody here, the entire citys deserted...

[:np] [:ra 245][_<800>]
Day. A deserted, abandoned street.
[_<800>]
ALL present.  They are walking slowly along a wide, pleasant street which
 is completely devoid of any signs of life.  Abandoned vehicles line the
 side of the road, and a breeze blows old litter around.  In the back of one
 of the cars is an discarded newspaper.  its headline reads: "Millions flee
 from American cities". Its like a scene from The Stand
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  I don't understand it, all we did is save Kennedys life.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  Is that bad?  What kind of a dude was he?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  He was a fine man.

[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]
 Day. A deserted, abandoned street ]
[_<400]
Scene cuts to a street further on in the city. All is the same as in the
 previous street, with one exception: the dead body of a man lies
 undisturbed on the pavement
[_<300]
ALL enter, CAT leading

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]  Look!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Can you get anything for us from his scent?
[:np] [:ra 245]
Cat sniffs along the mans body
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  Male.
[:np] [:ra 245]
He sniffs again
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  Midthirties.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  It looks like he was trampled to death in some kind of stampede.
[:np] [:ra 245]
As they speak, KRYTEN notices a crumpled newspaper poking out from the
 mans suit.  He picks it up and begins to scan it
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  Just processing.
[:np] [:ra 245]
KRYTENs eyes flick quickly over the text
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  Ill reroute the results through my chest monitor:

[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  "President Kennedy was impeached in 1964 for sharing a mistress with Mafia
   boss, Sam Giancana. It was the biggest scandal in American history,
   Kennedy was sentenced to three years in an open prison in July, 65.
   J. Edgar Hoover became president; he was forced to run by the mob,
   who had pictures of him at a transvestite orgy."
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  So America had a president controlled by the Mafia?
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  "Soon after the election, the USSR were allowed to install a nuclear base
   in Cuba in return for Mafia cocaine trafficking between Cuba and the
   States. With a Soviet nuclear base 30 miles from the US mainland, people
   fled from all the major cities."
[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
The Dwarfers leave the body and continue along the street
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  So am I right in thinking I could get a major nuclear explosion all over
this suit?  Cos Im telling you guys, that stuff does *not* dry clean!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Back to Starbug.
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  Starbug isnt there. It doesnt exist.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  What?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  How come?
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  Er, best guess: Kennedys impeachment in 64 traumatised the American
nation, allowing the USSR to win the space race. In this reality, it was
probably the Russians who were the first to land on the moon.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  So were marooned.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  *How* was I supposed to know that chicken vindaloo was going to cause all
this.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]  But you guys said Kennedy was a great pres!
[:nh] [:dv br 0 qu 100 ap 60 sr 0 hr 0 la 0 hr 30] [:ra 240]
  He was!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  He was also an inveterate womaniser; his affairs were legendary.  They
never came out when he was alive.
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  Every man has his weak spot  his Achilles heel.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Kennedys was just, higher up.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  If Id known this was gonna happen, Id have had an egg sarnie, and
finished the Cinzano.
  Kryten, whatve I done, man?
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  Well, you've brought the 20th century to the very brink of extinction,
sir.  Gum?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  What is wrong with you? Where is your compassion? you've got about as much
warmth as a service station chip!  Thats right, you've no behaviour
protocols, have you.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Any you thought causality didnt matter?  Every action we take, has
trillions of implications, how come you forgot that?
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  Well, I didnt forget, sir, I just didnt *care*.  Ive got no guilt.
[:np] [:ra 245]
At this, LISTER realises the game is up

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]  Ah.  I nicked Krytens body.  Thats spare head 2; I removed his guilt
chip.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  You, have altered the entire course of civilisation from the 20th century
onwards, you've brought the world to the brink of nuclear war, and worst of
all 
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  I know, I know; I *still* havent had a curry.
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  No, worst of all, the Time Drive has frozen.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Let me see.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Rimmer takes the Drive and gives it a cursory examination

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Do you think its because the subspace conduits have locked with the
transponder calibrations and caused a major tachyon surge that has
overloaded the time matrix?
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  Ah, no, sir; Ive just been jabbing it too hard.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  So what now?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
    We need to have time to figure out how to unfreeze it.  I suggest
we, set up camp here for the night and perhaps *Kryten* can go and look for
some food?
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  Im on my way, sir!


[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
 Night. Around a campfire.

LISTER, KRYTEN, RIMMER and CAT present, sitting around a large open fire.
 RIMMER is fiddling with the Time Drive while LISTER and CAT, having ditched
 their spacesuits, tuck into hefty chunks of meat
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Its hopeless, I cant fix it.  Were trapped...
[:np] [:ra 245]
Rimmer drops the time drive down by the edge of the fire
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  Chickens good.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Yeah, really good.
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  Thats not chicken, sir.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  Oh, what is it?
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  Its that man we found.
[:np] [:ra 245]
LISTER and CAT suddenly stop chewing, their mouthfuls of meat turning to
 poison...
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  Well, it seemed such a waste to leave him lying there when hed barbecue
so beautifully.


  Did I do wrong?  I didnt get any error commands...  
[:np] [:ra 245]
LISTER and CAT let their halfchewed mouthfuls dribble out in disgust
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  Obviously I thought about it, because without my guilt chip or moral
imperatives, I have nothing to guide me.  But it seemed to me that if
humanoids eat chicken then obviously theyd eat their own species; otherwise
theyd just be picking on the chicken.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  One minute youre down, the next youre right back up again.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  I said I was enjoying that!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  I knew it didnt smell right! Oh my god... 
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Im a cannibal!
[:np] [:ra 245]
Unexpectedly, blips suddenly issue forth from the Time Drive down by the
 fire. 
[:tone<5000,55>]
[:tone<5000,55>]
[:tone<5000,55>]
[:tone<5000,55>]
[:tone<5000,55>]
[:tone<5000,55>]
[:tone<5000,55>]
[:tone<5000,55>]

 Its obviously thawed out
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Look!
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
 Right, lets get out of here!  I badly need to floss a piece of roasted
dead person out of my teeth!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Where to?
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  Hawaii.  Lets catch some surf!
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  No, no, weve got to go back; stop ourselves from interfering with the
assassination.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  I don't care where we go, just as long as its before we had dinner!

[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245]
 20  Fifthfloor storeroom inside the Texas Book Depository.

ALL present, sat together around a box of books playing poker.  Tense music
 plays, and a clock on the wall shows the time as 1:27pm.
[_<800>]
Enter OSWALD.

KRYTEN, with his back to the wouldbe gunman, shields the angles of his
 head with one hand.  Oswald, upon spotting the Dwarfers, uses the long case
 he carries on his shoulder to awkwardly cover his face
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  Decorators.  Try up on the sixth floor.
[:np] [:ra 245]
Exit OSWALD
[_<800>]
With the gunman gone, the Dwarfers move to the window to view the street
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  Stand back, sir, our original selves are about to beam in.  When they
realise their mistake theyll beam out again.  I propose *we* go down to the
fourth.
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]
 21  Fourthfloor storeroom inside the Texas Book Depository 
[:np] [:ra 245]
ALL enter.  A room very similar to that up on the fifth.
[_<800>]
>From outside we hear a gunshot, and the Dwarfers rush to the window
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  First shot!
[:np] [:ra 245]
a second and third shot rings out.  Again, there is noise and commotion
 from the street below.

[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  It doesnt smell right, I think hes missed!
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  How come?
[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  Hes right, sir.  By sending Oswald up to the sixth, weve made the
trajectory of his shot so steep hes only wounded him.
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  Lets start again, and bring him back down to the fifth.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  We cant use the fifth: our original selves are destined to beam in there
as he fires his third shot, and this version of us are now on the fourth.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  Weve been copied more times than that poster of the tennis girl
scratching her butt.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  If we could arrange, somehow, for a second gunman to fire from just behind
that little hill over there covered in lawn.

[:nh] [:dv br 2 qu 10 ap 65 sr 40 hr 0 la 0 hr 60 gv 65 gh 90 gn 70 bf 970] [:ra 220]
  You mean the, er, the grassy knoll, sir?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Thatd solve it, wouldnt it?
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  Shoot the pres??  Who?
[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]
  You can count me out.
[:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90  br 0 ri 0 la 0] [:ra 250]
  And me.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Hang on... maybe, just maybe theres someone who can get us out of this
mess.

[:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]  Where are we going?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Idlewild airport, July, 65...

[_<800>]
[:np] [:ra 245] Day  A runway at Idlewild airport ]
[_<400>]
We see a handcuffed JFK being led down the stairs from a plane and loaded
 into the back of a prison truck.  As police lock up the truck, the
 Dwarfers beam in, nearby the stationary aircraft.

[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  This is right.  Hes being escorted to Hoover open prison in New York.
Give me *five minutes*.
[:np] [:ra 245]
LISTER manipulates the drive, and the red lightning beams him out.


[_<800>]
 JFKs prison truck ]

Enter LISTER, beamed in by the Time Drive to the bench seat opposite JFK
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Dont be alarmed, sir, but I have a very strange tale to tell.

[:np] [:dv br 0 sm 6 bf 6 hr 6 sr 90]  [:ra 230]
  I, ah, have had plenty of time to reflect on my deeds in the Whitehouse.
In all important respects I believe I did a good job.  It was right to plan
a pull out of Vietnam, to fight for civil rights, and, ah, to fight
congress, ah, to put a man on the moon.  It was, ah, wrong however, to, ah,
act like an irresponsible jackass with all those women, and allow my enemies
to wreak havoc on our nation.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  But I can help, man.  I mean, Mr. President, man.  I mean, sir.
[:np] [:dv br 0 sm 6 bf 6 hr 6 sr 90]  [:ra 230]
  How, ah, can you help?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Well, come with us back to Dallas, November 1963, be a second gunman.  The
gunman behind the grassy knoll.

[:np] [:dv br 0 sm 6 bf 6 hr 6 sr 90]  [:ra 230]
  You mean, assassinate myself?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Yeah!  Itll drive the conspiracy nuts crazy, but theyll never figure it
out.
[:np] [:dv br 0 sm 6 bf 6 hr 6 sr 90]  [:ra 230]

  But I, ah, still have a future here.  Jackie left me, but, ah, when I get
out I can, ah, still make a contribution to the world.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  See this airport, Idlewild airport?  In our reality they renamed it JFK,
after you. Where I come from youre a liberal icon, and thats the person
you should be. If youre gonna be that person, youre gonna have to
sacrifice your life.
[:np] [:dv br 0 sm 6 bf 6 hr 6 sr 90]  [:ra 230]

  And only then will my reputation be restored in history?
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Mm.  And I can get a smeggin curry.
[:np] [:dv br 0 sm 6 bf 6 hr 6 sr 90]  [:ra 230]

  Ask not what your country can do for you... ask what you can do for your
country.
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Hey, thatd make a pretty neat speech, that.
[:np] [:dv br 0 sm 6 bf 6 hr 6 sr 90]  [:ra 230]

  It did.  Heh heh.
[:np] [:ra 245]
[_<800>]
 Day. Behind the grassy knoll in Dallas, 1963. ]
All present.  JFK present, he and KRYTEN dressed in policemans uniforms.
[_<800>]
JFK swallows the last of his bottle of Coke, and sets it down.  LISTER
 hands him what looks like an M16 rifle, and nods towards the street
 meaningfully
[_<800>]
MONTAGE.  We see the parade roll through the main street once again; Oswald
 lining up his shot from the sixth floor of the Texas Book Depository and
 JFK tracking his own vehicle as it moves slowly down the road.  Oswald
 fires his first two shots, wounding the president as before.  This time,
 however, Kennedy himself takes aim from the grassy knoll  firing his shot
 moments after Oswalds third, and leaving what would turn out to be a nasty
 mess on Jackie Os suit..

 Kennedy lowers the gun and turns away, clearly disturbed, but unreadable
 beyond that]
[:np] [:dv br 0 sm 0 bf 0 hr 0 sr 1]  [:ra 220
  I, ah, thank you all for giving me the opportunity to, ah, be reborn.
[:np] [:ra 245]
JFK walks slowly away from them towards a line of parked cars.  After a
 short time, he fades from reality.  The Dwarfers turn away, leaning against
 a high fence that looks out onto the street
[:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30]
  Smeg!  I forgot to ask if there are any curry houses in Dallas!
[:np] [:ra 245]
CAT, RIMMER and KRYTEN exchange glances.  CAT makes a subtle gesture with
 his head and KRYTEN nods; after all, theres only so much you can take of
 one person.  CAT turns and walks behind LISTER, whistling innocently.
 As RIMMER turns to follow him, he suddenly grabs LISTER and pulls him to
 the ground.  the three of them quickly laying into the currydeprived one
 with everything they've got.  The nightstick that Kryten carries come in
 particularly useful...

[_<800>]
 END OF "TIKKA TO RIDE" ]