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<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Hello!<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Group
Two
writers:<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Below
are
the critiques I shared about your pieces at our April 18, 2017
meeting/critique
session.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Thank you for
critiquing my
sonnet.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">1. Brad:<span style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span>"Capping Off Six Decades"<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>To
strengthen the first line of a poem or the first sentence of a
prose piece,
avoid beginning with "It."<span style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span>Perhaps, the poem could begin with "My life" or "My first
six decades."<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>(Nevertheless,
your
reference to Thomas Merten is admirable.)<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Another
suggestion for the first line is that this line, rather than
ending with a
period, should end with a dash.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>One
of the
outstanding lines of this poem:<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Time like a concertina, expanding and
compressing,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">needs a comma at the end.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span>The "concertina" simile is a superb one!<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Delete
the
semicolon after "immobilizing fears."<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Since
I
still have the John Denver album <b
style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal">Poems,
Prayers, and Promises</b> (I placed the album title in
boldface type.)<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>and
still remember the lyrics to the song
"Poems, Prayers, and Promises," I suggest that you either leave
out
the reference or place the phrase in double quotation marks and
later insert a
footnote to credit John Denver and/or whoever wrote the lyrics.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Place
a
comma after the phrase "Ten thousand songs later," since it is
an
introductory adverbial phrase and is transitional.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>The
phrase
"Wait a minute" needs to end with either an exclamation point or
(my
preference) a dash.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Change
"And though" to "Although."<span style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span>Beginning a line with a word other than "and" when the
line
begins a new sentence is a better choice.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>I
am smiling
because the introductory prepositional phrase "In the final
analysis," does have a comma!<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>This
critique contains no note about a comma being needed after an
introductory
prepositional phrase!<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>This
highly
interesting poem is John Denver-esque.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span>Although the lines contain uplifting moments, the poem is
a spilling of
the heart and has, at times, the sad tones of a John Denver
tune.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Thanks for sharing
your feelings, emotions in
these verses.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">2.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Abbie:<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"Peace on Casper Mountain"<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Unsurprisingly, Abbie's poem has perfect
punctuation.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>This
brief
poem offers a quick setting of the scene for the big question at
the end.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>While the poem
is effective, a little more
description of the tranquility broken by the cutting of trees
could make the
final question even more striking.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Does
the
title suit the poem's content?<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Could
the
poet consider "A Piece (Note spelling of prior word.) of Casper
Mountain"?<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>This
poem
reflects the diversity of topics chosen by the writer and also
reflects the
writer's residence in the West.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">3.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Leonard:<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"The Onion and the Cabbage"<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In the lines<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">which slid and dived out of the sky<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">landing close....<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">change "landing" to landed."<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Also, in the above passage,
"which"
does not have a clear antecedent.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>After
the
phrase "root and grow," the comma may be deleted.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Consider
deleting or replacing the "and" which is at the onset of the
line:<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And so his wishes came to be<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">A closing single quote is missing after<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">'me.'"<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I actually expected this clever poem to
progress in a
different direction.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Rather
than
emphasizing the loneliness of the main character and the seasons
of life, I
anticipated a lesson about the value of the differences in
vegetables/people.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Once
again,
the poet has demonstrated his versatility in writing style and
selection of
topics.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>His palette has
a wide array of
colorful topics.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">4.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Valerie:<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"Motherlove"<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>I
do like
the title of this poem and the way the poet chose to meld the
two words
together.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Change
the
following dangling participle to a dependent clause:<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Listening with every ounce of hope,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">One possible change is:<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As I listened with every ounce of hope,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">At the end of the prepositional phrase "in
that split
moment of knowing," insert a comma.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Change
comma to dash at the end of:<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">he was before me--<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>To
the
following, add a comma at the end of the first of two
independent clauses of
the compound sentence:<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The light between us grew,<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">and the first ....<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Ouch!<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I just spent some time
re-reading and
studying Valerie's poem after our session this evening, and I am
ashamed that I
came to the poem with such preconceived notions which prevented
me a "good
read" of the poem.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Oh,
yes, I
learned a lesson in reading this poem.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span>As I read the poem in this new Light, I checked for
capitalization of
certain words which would have been clues to support that the
narrator was
Mary, Mother of Jesus.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>If
the poem had
been in, for example, a religious publication; perhaps, the
source would have
helped in my reading appropriately the poem.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span>Well, what is important is that now the poem makes
perfect sense! <span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I like
the poem ever so much more now.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span>Just to make certain that your reader is on
track with you, at the very end when you write "My Son" (Note
that
Val had a capital on "Son" here in the final line.), could you
consider the following:<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">My Son--Jesus of Nazareth."<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">or another identifier as the last couple of
words of the
poem?<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Thanks
for
sharing this remarkable poem with us.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>For
May 23,
I promise that I will not send a sonnet your way!<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Happy writing!<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Hug those trees--it is almost Arbor Day!<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Alice<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><a class="moz-txt-link-abbreviated" href="mailto:ajm321kh@wi.rr.com">ajm321kh@wi.rr.com</a><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">April 18, 2017, Tuesday<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
</p>
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