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<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">I like the revised version more.<SPAN
style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>It’s more powerful.<SPAN
style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Though I think starting with the first
approach probably facilitated the second version. The first one is primarily
interested in the logical flow of ideas and telling the story to completion. It
uses the connective devices of good grammar. So when you got down to focusing on
the essentials and eliminating what was unnecessary, the poem had more punch. A
poem is often made more powerful by what it doesn’t put down in words. The last
few sentences in the first version make sure you know that the bed was empty.
That reassurance has some value, but the reader has plenty of information to
know that without the writer having to say so. The sudden ending of the unheard
scream ends with an unfinished startle effect. It leaves the reader hanging in
mid air, emotionally speaking.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>When
the reader is told, that the bed is empty, it is like landing on a soft pillow
which buffers the effect. </FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">I couldn’t find anything in the revised piece that I
would change except for the third line. It doesn’t seem to have the same flow as
the rest of the poem.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I think
taking out one of the syllables where you use the word,’ usually,” might help.
For example, “routinely or commonly.”<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes">
</SPAN>I also think you can come up with a better word than,”much,” as an ending
word. “Even, “a lot,” sounds better to me. Don’t know why. </FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
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class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3 face="Times New Roman">I love this poem.
</FONT></P></DIV>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><o:p> </o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><o:p> </o:p></SPAN></P><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><BR><BR>IN MY DREAM<BR><BR><BR>He
held me in bed, but reality hit<BR>when I smelled booze on his
breath,<BR>knowing he usually didn't drink much,<BR>and I woke with a
start<BR>in a stranger’s embrace,<BR>screamed, though no one could hear
me,<BR>and the bed was empty,<BR>the feel of his arms having
vanished,<BR><BR>***<BR><BR>Revised<BR><BR>IN MY DREAM<BR><BR><BR>He held me in
bed,<BR>but I smelled booze on his breath.<BR>He usually didn't drink
much.<BR>Reality hit--in a stranger’s embrace,<BR>I screamed, though no one
could hear me.<BR><BR>-- <BR style="mso-special-character: line-break"><BR
style="mso-special-character: line-break"></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">Oooh! I like this.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes">
</SPAN>No, I love this. Tremendously effective in telling a story, making n
ethical statement, giving a history lesson, presenting a memoir. This has it
all. </FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">Now for the knit picking:</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">Lines:</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">2. I’m assuming Margie is a family member. It’s not
really important, since we know she is the original story teller.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">There is a nice sprinkling of rhyme throughout the
poem.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">9. This line with the multi-syllabic date breaks up the
rhythm, but it’s important to the story and I don’t have any
solutions.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">13. I question using “only”. I think it would sound
better to leave it out. Also, it sounds a little apologetic.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">16. I like this strong ending to the second stanza.
</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">18. Using “massive” twice, so close together maybe is not
such a good idea. I would use a synonym.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">20. Ditto with the word “know” Maybe something like, “Are
you aware…”</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">22. At first I wondered about the relevance of this line.
But then it hit me like a gold bar. The poem is about the company’s lust for
gold that supersedes compassion.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">24. Is this the writer’s attempt to ignore that the same
issues are very much alive today? </FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">31. Much of this stanza is about the writer, or dreamer,
trying to let dead horses lie.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Why
does she have to be haunted by what should have been long dead and buried? This
conflict is portrayed with craft. Excellent.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">28. How does turning milky white facilitate the horse’s
ability to take flight?<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Is it
because it makes him ghostly and able to haunt a dreamer?<SPAN
style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Also, is there something here that
relates to a message of not to whitewash what’s going on today? In other words,
not to ignore the white horse in the living room?</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">30. Now comes the blasting away of all pretense.
Suddenly, this message is right in the reader’s face. No guess work. </FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">Powerful ending. I think this poem needs to be published.
</FONT></P>
<P><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">------------------<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal
align=center><B style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal"><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></B></P>
<P style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal
align=center><B style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal"><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"></FONT></B> </P>
<P style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal
align=center><B style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal"><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">In a Dream Came the White, Mine Horse</FONT></B></P>
<P style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal
align=center><FONT size=3 face="Times New Roman"></FONT> </P>
<P style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal
align=center><FONT size=3 face="Times New Roman">by Alice Jane-Marie
Massa</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"></FONT> </P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"></FONT> </P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">1. In a dream came the white horse</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">2. whose story Margie told.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">3. The massive, milky white horse,</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">4. who had worked at the coal mine</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">5. that <SPAN
style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>bordered our property line,</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">6. galloped gracefully into my dream</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">7. to tell me the stories </FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">8. of the turn-of-the century mines,</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">9. the <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:State
w:st="on">Indiana</st1:State></st1:place> mines of the early 1900s, </FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">10. and much more.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"></FONT> </P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">11. Born in <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place
w:st="on">Italy</st1:place></st1:country-region>, in 1879, my
grandfather--</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">12. who, despite his 6’1”-height, worked the mines for
too many years--</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">13. insisted with only a light Italian accent and a
couple of tears,</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">14. “None of my four sons will ever set foot</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">15. in a coal mine.”</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">16. None did.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"></FONT> </P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">17. Yet, the massive, milky white horse,</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">18. from the old mine near my house,</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">19. trots boldly into my dream.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">10. “I know your story.<SPAN
style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Go away!<SPAN
style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Go away!</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">11. I do not have an apple nor hay for you,” I
say.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">17. He whinnies with laughter and does not
obey.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">18. The massive, milky white horse speaks in my
dream,</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">19. “Don’t you know I eat coal dust?</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">20. Do you know why my eyes are yellow?</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">21. Because from all those miners,</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">22. I caught the lust for gold.”</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">23. He whinnies with laughter, and my body turns
cold.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">24. “Forget this pretense of the present tense,”<SPAN
style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I snap.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">25. “Margie told me you drowned in that old
pond—</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">26. the pond, near the shale hill, our
mountain.”</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">27. “Oh, so, you do know why I am</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">28. so massive and milky white.”</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">29. “If you had really worked in the mine,</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">30. you wouldn’t be so tall and white.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">31. Just go!<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes">
</SPAN>Go, and let me sleep.”</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">31. “Listen, I was not always a horse of twenty
hands;</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">32. as a colt, I was a white or cream.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">23. Of course, when I worked, I grew gray and black
</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">24. from the ever-present coal dust.<SPAN
style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>How that life weighed down my
back!</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">25. But, after all those years </FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">26. of washing in that old pond,</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">27. I turned a milky white</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">28. so that I could take flight</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">29. into your dream to tell you:</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">30. lobby against Connally Coal Company—</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">31. they will blast and scrape and sour</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">32. your pretty, little town.”</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">33. I lie back down, but cannot sleep.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">34. Wiping coal dust from my eyes, I begin to
weep.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"></FONT> </P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">------------</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"></FONT> </P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">A most ambitious project this I find. An archaic way of
speaking, are the way you write your lines. Awkward to my <st1:State
w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">New Jersey</st1:place></st1:State> ears, it
sometimes seems un-sublime. So many ands and syllables to wrap around a rhyme.
These ancient folk their brains must have been caught up in a bind. </FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">This narrative poem violates so many rules of modern
writing custom that it’s difficult to critique, especially since you make it
work. So my suggestions are minimal because I don’t know when a suggestion would
change the authenticity of the style you are using. </FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">The story is a classic theme. We love to find a flaw in
what seems to be a perfect hero. When we do, we hurt them and they go from a god
to a demon.<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>We love to find
scapegoats. When we do tear down a person or minority it is often because we
believe they think they are better then us. Well, we’ll show them. </FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">Anyway, the story is told well. I’ve made a few
suggestions for consideration.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">There is a plethora of “ands.” Is that part of the style?
You certainly don’t need them by modern standards.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">Line 11: “Unlooked for,” was confusing. “Surprisingly,”
would be clearer.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">Line 21: “countenance has too many syllables for the
rhythm. “Face doesn’t hold exactly the same meaning. But it flows
better.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">All the rhyming is superb. The pattern of the rhymes is
consistent. You must have worked hard and long to achieve that.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">Lines 31 to 33: A wonderfully efficient and profound way
of encapsulating a complex concept.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">Line 39: Leave out “new.” It will help the rhythm. The
rest of that verse is great in rhythm and rhyme.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">Line 46: Leave out “most.”<SPAN
style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>It breaks the rhythm and says
nothing.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">Line 52: Change “people” to a single syllable word, such
as mob.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">Line 56: change “brightly to bright,” </FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">Line 57: Leave out “certain.”</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">Line 64: Cut down the number of syllables in either
location or beloved or both. For example: “locus” for “location.”</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">Line 72: Substitute “leaving” for “with.” I think you
need an extra syllable here. </FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">Line 77: I think this should start a new
stanza.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">---------------------</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="TEXT-INDENT: 0.5in; MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">The midwife’s cat</FONT></P>
<P style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal
align=center><FONT size=3 face="Times New Roman">© by Brad Corallo</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">Word count 540</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">1.A strange young woman lived alone a mile or so from
town.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">2. She was honored for her skill and wisdom</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">3. by folks for miles around.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">4. Her spotless old stone cottage was well maintained and
sound.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">5. And her steadfast loyal companion</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">6; was a lost cat she had found.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">7. In the woods she found her wounded </FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">8. hurt nye unto her death.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">9. And even with her skill she feared</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">10. the cat had taken its last breath.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">11. But unlooked for the cat recovered</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">12. and grew fat and hale and strong.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">13. And <SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>the
woman’s joy and gratitude</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">14. would overflow from her in song.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">15. For many years they lived that way.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">16. In quiet happiness they dwelt.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">17. For her counsel and her aid</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">18. to all were freely dealt.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">19. She healed the sick and tended berths</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">20. for ladies poor and fine.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">21. There were those who swore Her countenance</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">22. was touch by hand divine.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">23. While others said it wasn’t so;</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">24. she just was wise and very kind .</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">25. And where she would go</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">26. so would her cat.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">27. They seldom were apart</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">28. as the cat’s love for her mistress</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">29. went deeper than the heart.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">30. But dear friends, as we all know</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">31. good situations seldom last.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">32. And wonders of the present soon</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">33. become horrors of the past.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">34. For on a stormy night was summoned</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">35. our good midwife to preside</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">36. at the berthing of the Mayer’s child.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">37. Her cat was by her side.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">38. But things went wrong. </FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">39. no song was sung to celebrate new life.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">40. for all beheld a stillborn monster</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">41. in the flickering candle light.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">42. In their fear outrage and sorrow</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">43. the people’s mood grew cold.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">44. And out of no where untrue stories</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">45. of our heroine were told.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">46. She was said to be unnatural and most certainly
demonic.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">47. Those she’d <SPAN
style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>helped the most maligned her
loudest</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">48. how bitterly ironic!</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">49. Exhorted by the evil parson</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">50. the Mayer and his grieving wife.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">51. The mob proclaimed she was to blame</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">52. and screamed “we‘ll have her life!”</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">53. The evil parson told the people</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">54. “by fire not the knife!</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">55. For she’s a witch and her devil cat</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">56. must burn brightly at the steak tonight .</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">57. It’s the only certain way to insure</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">58. the breaking of Her curse’s might!”</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">59. So eagerly a fire, in the town square did they
lay.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">60. For they all swore she would never see</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">61. the dawning of the coming day.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">62. From her home they roughly dragged her </FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">63. and brought her to the square.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">64. But the location of her beloved cat </FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">65. the people knew not where.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">66. By the town’s good citizens she was bound</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">67. to the steak and the flames ignited.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">68. And though none there would admit it, </FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">69. in their hearts they were excited!</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">70. They watched her burn to ashes</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">71. while her cat watched from a tree.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">72. After the people scattered, with her world
shattered</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">73. from the horror she did flee .</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">74. The cat lived on as felines will</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">75. but spent her life in sorrow.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">74. Though only a cat she understood</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">75. for her mistress no tomorrow.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">77. A mystery is the human heart</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">78. to the cat and to this poet.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">79. For our steps have left the path of love </FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">80. and our species doesn’t know it!</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"><FONT size=2
face=Arial>-------------</FONT></FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p></o:p> </P><o:p>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">This piece is a tribute to a lifelong friendship.<SPAN
style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>It speaks of a main foundation for that
relationship, that of art and writing. That relationship was founded as children
and the same cornerstones are valid today as they were at the beginning. The
story made me feel good and thankful that the writer has this in her life.
</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">Not all the details of the dreams came true, but the
important thing was having the dreams and sharing them.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">I wonder why the artist used a male’s name...</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">I love your description of how the two of you spurred
each other on to create in your respective mediums.<SPAN
style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>Encouragement and appreciation seems to
have been the major tools. </FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">I love the verse regarding senior high school.<SPAN
style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>The mentioning of the three songs you
heard playing in the background is especially good. I only remember the Knights
in White Satin but it took me right to the time and place. </FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">I can’t think of anything I would want to change.<SPAN
style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I can’t think of anything that needs to
be added.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><o:p><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"> </FONT></o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman">This poem would make a lovely Valentine’s Day gift to
your friend.</FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt">-------------<o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><o:p> </o:p></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; COLOR: black; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><BR>Sisters<BR>Valerie
Moreno<BR><BR>We weren't from the same family,<BR>but it didn't matter.<BR>Drawn
together by creativity,<BR>we spoke of dreams with colors <BR>and words all our
own.<BR><BR>You were the artist,<BR>sketches adorning notebooks like
flowers.<BR>Horses and filigree and <BR>your artiste name "Thomas
Edgar".<BR><BR>I was "The Author",<BR>a name you gave me I cherished,<BR>because
you meant it, pouring over<BR>my poetry and stories with excitement.<BR><BR>In
the noisy world of senior high,<BR>we talked of colaborating as the
jukebox<BR>played "Nights In White Satin",<BR>"Wild World" and
"Revolution".<BR><BR>Our success turned out to be<BR>marriage, children, finding
faith.<BR>Yet, you and I still speak of<BR>contrast and color as artist, author
share life as<BR>sisters in heart and spirit as we did<BR>all those years
ago.<BR>-----------<BR style="mso-special-character: line-break"><BR
style="mso-special-character: line-break"></SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal> </o:p></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3
face="Times New Roman"></FONT> </P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3><BR
style="mso-special-character: line-break"><BR
style="mso-special-character: line-break"><FONT
face="Times New Roman"></FONT></FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><FONT size=3><BR
style="mso-special-character: line-break"><BR
style="mso-special-character: line-break"><FONT
face="Times New Roman"></FONT></FONT></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal><SPAN
style="FONT-FAMILY: Arial; FONT-SIZE: 10pt"><BR><BR>_______________________________________________<BR>Group2
mailing
list<BR>Group2@bluegrasspals.com<BR>http://bluegrasspals.com/mailman/listinfo/group2</SPAN></P>
<P style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class=MsoNormal> </P>
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