<p>sorry about this. I hope it works. the provider has made major changes in my email and I can't find the write msg so I'm having to try a reply all to an existing msg for our group.</p>
<p> [comments for DeAnna</p>
<p>This is a retelling of an ancient tale of the Coyote with modifications to make it specific to grandmother spider.</p>
<p>Maybe you could show more than tell Spotted Pony Boy's frustration over not being able to hit the target.</p>
<p>To me, Spotted Pony Boy sounds like an American boy rather than an Indian boy. Is there some mannerism or speech he could use that would reveal Indian customs?</p>
<p>Maybe at the end spotted pony Boy could consider a possible meaning and then Grandmother spider could reveal he has the right idea when she tells the moral of the story.</p>
<p>The beginning and ending of the story are flat and lifeless. It needs more action. Show rather than tell. </p>
<p></p>
<p>[comments for Leonard</p>
<p>I think this is about a mother, or dear friend or family member.</p>
<p></p>
<p>[comments for Marsha</p>
<p>agoraphobia, an extreme or irrational fear of crowded places or enclosed public places.</p>
<p>Makes me think of arachnid</p>
<p>Seems like a fitting description of what the virus has done spreading a web over the planet infecting people.</p>
<p>maybe we would be better off if the world had developed agoraphobia for the past year</p>
<p>I like the reference to future plans like popcorn blown about by air, never settling long enough to be tasted. I have trouble with the last part. Long enough to be tasted doesn’t seem quite right, but I can’t suggest anything I like better.</p>
<p>It suggests they are unsubstantial and unrealizable.</p>
<p>life is out of control.</p>
<p>At least you haven't given up.</p>
<p>You are still writing, thinking and reaching out.</p>
<p></p>
<p>[comments for Sally</p>
<p>I smiled at the mention of the cat and remember how it took time for her to trust you.</p>
<p>well, I wrote down several comments for Welch, singing, and making bread, then deleted them all.</p>
<p>I can't decide what to say.</p>
<p>His death is still a dividing line, the other side is just not what was expected. Perhaps it is even better.</p>
<p>How about your friends you expected to do these things with, what have they done.</p>
<p></p>
<p></p>
<p></p>
<p>-----Original Message-----</p>
<p>From: Marcia Wick marciajwick@gmail.com</p>
<p>Sent: May 31, 2021 10:07 PM</p>
<p>To: C. S. Boyd sitting.duck@springmail.com</p>
<p>Cc: Critique Group 1 group1@bluegrasspals.com</p>
<p>Subject: [Critique Group 1] Marcia's May notes</p>
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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>Deanna May<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Coyote Learns To Sing<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'>Unclear: </span>Spotted Pony Boy searched through the brush moving further<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Spotted Pony Boy searched through the brush for his lost arrow, moving further<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'>Wrong word?: </span>as he is wont to do. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: as he is want to do. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Extra spaces before new paragraph, should be blank line.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'>Transition: She began. “One day, <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'>Insert commas: </span>Quickly he ran down a hill and in a sheltered dip in the land he found a small bird building his nest. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'>Try: </span>Quickly, he ran down a hill and, in a sheltered dip in the land, he found a small bird building his nest. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'>Punctuation inside quote: </span>what is that lovely sound," he asked?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: what is that lovely sound?” he asked.<span style='color:#1F497D'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'>NICE dialogue: </span>"Ouch! Mind the feathers," cried the frightened bird. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'>INCOMPLETE SENTENCE: </span>But little rock said nothing. For it is not in his nature to talk much.<span style='color:#1F497D'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'>TRY: </span>But little rock said nothing for it was not in his nature to talk much.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Concluding quotes marks: Coyote has been singing like that ever since.”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'>Insert comma: </span>Grandmother Spider said "Any new thing that<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Grandmother Spider said, "Any new thing that<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'>Closing quote mark: </span>someday you will be a great hunter.” <span style='color:#1F497D'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cleora May<span style='color:#1F497D'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Worthy of Their Hire<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><span style='color:#1F497D'>Use question mark: </span>What is equal pay for the same work.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><span style='color:#1F497D'>Try: </span>What is equal pay for the same work?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><span style='color:#1F497D'>Use dash: </span>20-plus years<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><span style='color:#1F497D'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'>Reword: </span>and I find that they mostly receive the same pay for showing up, they do not all provide the same work for that pay.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'>Try: </span>and I find that<span style='color:#1F497D'>,</span> although they receive the same pay for showing up, they <span style='color:#1F497D'>don’t </span>all provide the same work for that pay.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'>Reword: </span>a number of tasks to be completed as well and as quickly as possible.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'>Try: </span>a list of tasks to be completed as well and as quickly as possible.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: has left them with the mental idea that one or two tasks completed in a day is good enough, and men had a job to get done and put their mind and body to work to complete it as soon as possible.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: has left them with the idea that one or two tasks completed in a day is good enough, while men see a job to <span style='color:#1F497D'>be done </span>and put their mind and body to work to complete it as soon as possible.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: Salaries pay people for the job, but leaves the worker open to employers that add more and more work without fair compensation.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: Salaries may pay people the same for <span style='color:#1F497D'>a particular </span>job, but <span style='color:#1F497D'>that </span>leave<span style='color:#1F497D'>s</span> workers open to employers that demand more and more work <span style='color:#1F497D'>from salaried workers </span>without fair compensation.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'>I take some exception to this statement as a single working parent</span>: one or two tasks completed in a day is good enough<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Leonard May 21, 2021<span style='color:#1F497D'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Growing Gap</span><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:105%;font-family:"Times New Roman",serif;color:black'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'> </span><span style='color:#1F497D'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Incomplete sentence: <span style='color:black'>night after <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>I heard her voice the night after <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>a faint echo of her presence <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>floated far from the world. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Delete commas: <span style='color:black'>Time went by, and her face began to fade, <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>until I couldn’t see her anymore --</span><span style='color:#1F497D'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>try: <span style='color:black'>Time went by and her face began to fade <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>until I couldn’t see her anymore --<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>reword “periods”: <span style='color:black'>except in unexpected periods --</span><span style='color:#1F497D'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>try: <span style='color:black'>except in unexpected moments--<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>delete comma: <span style='color:black'>or sighting someone in a swarm,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>sporting something she used to wear. </span><span style='color:#1F497D'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>or sighting someone in a swarm<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>sporting something she used to wear. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'>Sally May<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal> Liminal Time<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'>Liminal – you’ve taught me another new word!<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'>Again I learn new “old” expressions: </span>Widow’s weeds<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'>and</span><o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>“turn the conversation”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:#1F497D'>Love these powerful strong words: </span>As the raw shock of loss lessened and I was left with occasional waves of sorrow,<span style='color:#1F497D'><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p></div></body></html><br/>
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