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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link=blue vlink=purple><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'>1,540 words<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'>Chapter 10.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'>Big Girls Do Cry And Other Lessons Tammy Taught Me<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'>When I was a year old, my father was shipped off to fight in the Korean War. He returned when I was three. I had spent the time in the midst of my mother’s people surrounded with love and attention. My great grandfather taught me to read. My numerous aunts, uncles and extended family helped me to be a confident curious toddler. While involved in the conflict, my father suffered a serious head injury. It caused him to suffer severe headaches and left him with a violent temper. The next five years were difficult. We never knew what might send him into a rage. I felt a great responsibility for my younger brothers. I sometimes took the blame and the punishment for things I hadn’t done to protect them. A spanking tended to escalate into child abuse. My father didn’t feel I was sufficiently chastised unless I cried and I was strong willed. If I didn’t believe I deserved punishment, I wouldn’t cry and the spanking turned into a beating until I lost consciousness.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'>My parents divorced when I was nine. I grew up fearing violent people and loud voiced confrontations. Although Tammy showed time and again that she wouldn’t allow anyone to hurt me, she was really quite gentle, even timid in her own defense. When a large loose shepherd dog launched an attack on her as we walked across campus, she rolled over on her back in submission. Two boys moving along the same path rushed forward and drove the dog back hitting it with their book bags. The owner of the dog raced up and got her under control. Tammy was shaken, but not hurt. One of our rescuers admitted that he acted before thinking and surprised himself. He laughed nervously explaining he would have been afraid of such a large snarling dog if he had stopped to consider the risks. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'>During her working career, Tammy was attacked twice more. In all three attacks, she immediately dropped to the ground and rolled over offering her throat and belly in the classic submission posture. During the second attack, I suffered a badly bruised face. I stepped between a Queensland Blue Heeler and my prone guide. The attacker was in the air launching herself at Tammy and her teeth ricocheted off my cheek. In all three attacks, the owner of the attacking dog was close at hand and able to catch and subdue his dog. It felt natural for me to try to defend my guide. I had never feared animals and somehow it seemed only fair to intervene in protection of my best friend. She certainly felt the same way when it came to my safety.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'>Over the years we worked together, I gained in confidence and learned to stand my ground when refused service at a restaurant or when people objected to her presence. Even in the face of hostility or rudeness, I overcame timidity and learned to speak up for my dog and myself. By the time I was working with my fourth dog, I was able to grab a pit bull by her collar and tail and haul her away from the small black lab I was currently working. I twisted the pit bull’s tail until she released my guide’s throat and held her until her owner arrived. I am only five foot three, but love gave me courage enough to deal with what I needed to do in defense of my dog.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'>As a small child, I vowed never to let the world make me cry. When other children hurt my feelings, snatched my lunch and held it out of my reach or excluded me from their games, I retreated into books or found something else to do. I knew if they succeeded in making me cry, then things just escalated into more teasing and cruelty. Until the night I cried into Tammy’s coat after fighting with Sandy, I hadn’t cried over anything that others said or did to me in years. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'>When I got lost at public elementary school, I pretended I was Hipolyta, queen of the Amazons in enemy territory. I stood still and gathered as much information as I could about my surroundings. I listened for traffic sounds, the clank of the lanyard on the flagpole or anything that gave me a clue as to my location. I started to search around my environment with my feet hands and entire body. Eventually I found something to help me regain a sense of orientation. Sun, wind, scent, shade were all useful clues. When people frightened me or hurt my feelings, I pictured myself as a turtle. I projected my shiny brightly colored shell and hid my emotions behind a smile, a joke or a laugh. There was no fooling my Tammy. She saw right through my armor to the true state of my hidden heart.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'>Tammy greeted each day with joyful enthusiasm. She taught me to do the same. Yesterday’s sorrows are past and we can only deal with what is going on at this moment. Of course that doesn’t mean you don’t think of how to make tomorrow better. But it is a waste of energy to trap oneself in a tangle of what ifs. Much of who I am today, I owe to the lessons I learned from my loving free spirited Tammy. Because she was always there for me, I could admit my sadness. I could allow others to see the vulnerability I had spent years hiding. I learned to let go and cry without having the sorrow tear me apart. Her lovely broad head with its silky ears in my lap gave me permission to grieve. Her presence at my left side gave me the courage to pick myself up and move on after the tears dried. You never feel quite so lost if you have a friend beside you to share the task of finding your way out of a problem. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'> I let Annie talk me into attending a party for some of the students in a three dimensional art course we were taking together. Wine was served and I smelled that distinctive sweet aroma of Marijuana. I knew this was just not my sort of party. I liked having friends in for spaghetti and homemade bread accompanied by soft music and good conversation. I didn’t mind if others indulged in a glass of wine, but didn’t like being surrounded by crowds of people I hardly knew. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'>One of my classmates cornered me and suggested I spend the night at his place. I just shook my head and gave a gentle tug on Tammy’s leash. I didn’t need to wait for Annie to get out of a situation I found uncomfortable. Henry tried to imply my refusal was because he was black. I am sure that line worked with some young women, but knowing I could walk out of there gave me the confidence to just laugh at the absurdity of his assumption. I replied that being totally blind, I couldn’t tell if he were purple with green stripes. I still wouldn’t go home with someone I barely knew. I didn’t feel pressured into participating in the sexual revolution brought about by the advent of the birth control pill and could choose to be myself without apologies. I was free to call a cab or walk out the door because Tammy was with me. It's hard to quantify the influence of such a source of strength and reassurance in the life of a blind person. Young women who grew up in the late sixties found it hard to figure out the rules. As little girls, we were taught to be ladylike. Tomboys like me were constantly being scolded to keep our skirts down and behave like little ladies. Suddenly with the availability of the birth control pill, we were expected to forget all that princess stuff. We were declared hung up if we didn’t join in to the free love movement. Virginity was almost a stigma. One friend told me she felt like the last living virgin at school. She went home with someone because she was tired of being teased by her housemates. Another friend spent an entire afternoon going through her address book to let several young men know she had been diagnosed with a venereal disease. Somehow, it seemed wrong to this particular princess to engage in sexual intercourse to prove she was well adjusted. Such an intimate act required some kind of commitment in my estimation. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%'> With Tammy in my corner, I had the courage to stand by my own values. In the shelter of her love and total acceptance, I could cry, laugh, and discover who I was and what I wanted out of life. I could set goals and achieve them. <span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'>A dog guide is a mobility aid yes, but she can also be a confessor, a guardian angel, a soul mate and a best friend. Tammy was all of these and more to this young girl growing into womanhood in the Vietnam war era. To put a price tag on all she gave me in our time together is impossible. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:11.0pt;font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"'><o:p> </o:p></span></p></div></body></html>